I had hoped it would never come to this.
I had hoped Homer's kidnapper, Bad Guyz, would return my beloved magnetic Simpsons toy. But it was not to be. I gave them an extra week to bring him back, but they did not budge.
So now, I will reveal the captor. Homer was kidnapped by ...
Well gang, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the bad news. As you can see, Bad Guyz have brutally mutilated Homer. They are using scare tactics, and these scare tactics will not work.
As you may well know, we have begun an extensive covert operation to find and rescue our beloved Homer.
And that operation has born fruit. We now hold the smoking gun.
We, Midnight Sun, know who kidnapped and tortured Homer.
Allow me to explain ...
Continue reading "Exciting developments in the Homer Saga" »
Enough talk. It's time to act.
All this time, I've been worried about raising the money to get Homer back and when to drop off the money.
Well, we're not paying the ransom money for Homer, my magnetic desk figurine. I'm not willing to pass that burden onto the tax-paying commenters on Midnight Sun.
Instead, I decided it was time to strike back. So this morning, we dispatched a counter-terrorist strike team (pictured) to root out the evil-doers.
We captured key members of the terrorist organization that kidnapped Homer and are currently holding them for questioning. Want proof we mean business? Here's a photo ...
Someone named Homer's Ghost left this comment under my 'I'm coming for you Homer' post:
"Too late."
Is it really too late? I need to know, before I leave $10 all willy-nilly at some random coffee shop. It is entirely possible that Homer has perished. The last time we heard from his kidnappers, he was being boiled alive.
Until now, we at Midnight Sun have held onto a no-tolerance policy for terrorism.
We would not negotiate with the kidnappers of our beloved Homer. But time has passed and our rescue efforts have been to no avail. Today at noon, I will deposit $10 in small, unmarked bills, at the coffee shop across the street from The Sun.
I will wait precisely 24 hours before returning to collect Homer. Bad Guyz, if you're reading this (and you'd better be), make good on your offer.
Homer! Can you hear me?
I haven't forgotten about you, buddy.
I'm going to be back on the trail as soon as possible.
Where were we?
Oh, right, I'm supposed to drop off $10 in small unmarked bills at the coffee joint across the street.
Well, Bad Guyz, if you're reading, the money will be there tomorrow.
Signed,
Trembling Sam Sessa
At last, an email update on Homer (which I realized was somehow caught in my junk mail folder):
OK, wize dudes. So's u wanna call the cops, eh?
Youse wanna put a bounty on are hed? We wuz good to Homer.
And I daresay our ransom request was quite reasonable. Your callous failure to act makes us question your commitment to Homer. Word.
So we are upping the ante. Now we want a lot more Doh! to get him back.
If you want to see him in one piece again, if you want to make sure we don't make stew out of him, pay up.
Ten bucks, in small unmarked bills, smart guy. Leave it with the babe at the koffee joint across the street from youse.
Here's a little picture of what we're doin to Homer now.
You mite say we're turnin' up the heet.
Yours turly,
badguyz
I'm thinking of leaving Monopoly money.
Sound like a good idea?
Those thieving thieves sent me this photo of Homer in danger!
Here's the letter:
Now homer is seeing the saw ... Stop being so pickey and argamentive with us...just do what we say ... remember unmarked billz ... where we said. Any more of you're sarcazam and we turn on the sawblade and yule begetting homer back in two peezes yours turly, badguyz
Hey Badguys, I still don't know where you want me to put the money!
(If you're new to the whole Homer saga, read this, this and this.)
This email showed up this morning at 8:51 (the photo was attached):
Like i says before, we got your homer, and we be treeting him fine.
Here's some pitchers attashed to this emails what show he's ok -- cep for maybe drinking too mcuh beers.
If you want him to stay OK, do what we tol you to do. No POLICE! Jess keep your mouth shut and put the money where we said.
If we don'ts get the money soon homer won't be so ok.
Know what I'm sayin?
Yours Turly,
badguyz
Thing is, I don't remember them telling me where to put the money!
I don't think they ever mentioned a drop-off point.
(Photo by badguyz)
Terrible news: My magnetic Homer has been kidnapped!
Some evil sneak swiped him Thursday morning.
A note was left at the scene.
It read: "Sam, If u ever want Homer back, please get $5 in small bills ready for his ransom. We will let u know where to meet us. Don't contact the police ... Or else!"
It was signed "Bad guys."
Here is a short video of my reaction.
After a careful scent analysis of the note, I determined the person who wrote it does not use fragrant hand lotion.
That leads me to believe the culprit has chapped, flaky skin.
The caper may also have something to do with the Whoopee cushion I placed under Dan Thanh Dang's seat cover a couple days ago.
What should I do? Where should I turn?
AAAAAAAAAAH!
(Photo by me)
I've been The Baltimore Sun's nightlife and local entertainment reporter for a couple years, and it's surprising how much the scene has grown in that time. Most of Baltimore's bars and clubs are unpretentious places with fairly cheap drinks and plenty of character. I like dancing and think this city needs more clubs, but nothing beats having a cold, locally brewed beer with friends in a comfortably full corner bar.
