ESPN Zone's corporate closure letter
When I walked past the shuttered ESPN Zone last week, I spotted a sign affixed to the outside door. Curious, I went up to check it out.
Turns out, it was a note talking about how ESPN Zone is closed and stuff -- except in corporate jargon.
Whereas most local businesses would put out a hand-written note saying "We're closed, suckers!" or maybe even nothing at all (the long-closed Ullswater still had an "open" sign outside the last time I drove by), ESPN Zone went all-out.
Maybe a little too far, in fact. Here's the opening graph of the letter, which was dated June 16 ...
ESPN Zone operations in Baltimore, Chicago, New York, Las Vegas and Washington, D.C. were discontinued today. The Los Angeles and Anaheim locations will remain open and operated by AEG and Zone Enterprises of Anaheim respectively.
It goes on with a couple graphs from some bigwigs about how regretful it is, and how ESPN Zone remained "a long term business challenge." Then they thanked their employees, vendors, customers and everybody else who made it "a first class entertainment and dining destination."
While I was standing there absorbing all this, a group of kids walked up and tugged on the door. It didn't budge. One of the kids skimmed the letter but didn't understand it. After a few seconds, another kid realized what was going on.
"It's closed!," he said.
Sorry, kids. 
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "
Comments
So much for those improved test scores. Little Johnny may be able to read words, but can't understand what they mean.
Posted by: Baltimocker | August 3, 2010 2:48 PM
They'll catch on as soon as there's an app for that.
Posted by: Dave F. | August 3, 2010 2:51 PM
What the hell is this blog post about? Sam, have you ever seen corporate jargon? Which words confused you? "locations"? "operated"? "respectively"? When has a restaurant ever put out a sign that says, "We're closed, suckers!"? Is that supposed to be funny? How long did it take you to drool out this blog post, which is -- and correct me if I'm missing the deeper meaning -- about a piece of paper having been taped to the door of the former ESPNZone? What sort of salary do you make for this type of thing? Just how slow is news in Baltimore that they employ you to write this nonsense?
No wonder the Tribune Co. is bankrupt.
Posted by: Harvey Duncan | August 3, 2010 3:50 PM
Any establishment that features wall-height televisions and drunk meatheads screaming about a touchdown will never be a "first class entertainment and dining destination." Period.
Posted by: Safonda Cox | August 3, 2010 5:59 PM
Are you sure they are closed? Might just be a BG&E issue.
Posted by: LGood | August 3, 2010 7:47 PM
Oh snap, Harvey Duncan! Sam, you been served a heapin' scoop of righteous rage. You been Duncan-ated!
Seriously, Mr. Duncan, have you considered adding more fiber to your diet?
P.S. Note to Hollywood, idea for new movie, "The ESPNder". Arnold Schwarzenegger ... [close up], "You've been discontinued."
Posted by: Owl Meat GrapeNuts | August 4, 2010 7:38 AM
Apparently someone is po'd at the world for being named Harvey.
Posted by: Sparky | August 4, 2010 8:29 AM
First they came for Canton Arts and Entertainment, and I did not speak out. Then they came for ESPN Zone, and I did not speak out ...
Posted by: Sam Sessa | August 4, 2010 8:59 AM
Actually, Sparky, if you google "Harvey Duncan" and look at the third mention, you will see why. Time for a nickname. May I suggest Cilantro Duncan?
Posted by: o meat g | August 4, 2010 9:16 AM
Great, what this blog needs...an Uncle Ernie
Posted by: Sparky | August 4, 2010 9:46 AM
ESPN ZONE is open and will always be open. On Wed. June 16th and Thur. June 17th there was an electrical fire on Pratt street that had power out for everyone on Pratt, Lombard and Market Place. The power came back on around 10 pm Thursday; however, do to the beverage products being warm we did not open We were open for business as usual on Friday the 18th. For the future any one that ever has questions about The ESPN ZONE please feel Free to call me Robert Iger (owner) on my cell (407) 828-1000 or at the bar .(410) 685-3776 I can ensure everyone that the ESPN ZONE is doing very well and will continue to serve great food and drinks to our wonderful patrons
Posted by: Robert Iger | August 4, 2010 12:07 PM
Oh and by the way I forgot with my above post---- Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, and the Easter Bunny will be there signing autographs on Friday night 7 to 9.
And it's "due to"--not "do to".
Posted by: Robert Iger | August 4, 2010 3:18 PM