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June 1, 2010

Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: Lacrossed


I wonder what groups smelled better after their respective events: The black T-shirted Death Metal Festers or the lacrosse champions? Here's Owl Meat with this week's column:

This weekend Baltimore hosted two national events: Maryland Death Fest and the NCAA Men's Lacrosse Championships.

I surmise that the intersection of the two groups was tiny. How many people were struggling with the choice of lacrosse versus head-banging with Eyehategod, Jucifer, and Autopsy?

On my way to our Falls Rd/Hamden dive bar crawl on Friday night, I spied some hot weather Goths, the sweetest goths ever. On Saturday afternoon, I saw groups of black-clad death metal fans roaming the Inner Harbor. Despite some spiked dog collars, they were neither growling nor biting. They were just hanging out and enjoying the sights.

On Saturday night I headed out for some beer and conversation. As they say in minute 29 of every VH1 Behind the Music, "And that's when trouble started." Cue ominous music and break for commercial ...

Early in the evening, I said to my friend Scott the bartender, "Something is very wrong about tonight. Very wrong."

Scott was handling the bar, service bar for the restaurant, and tables in the bar area. His bar-back was off and the restaurant had many large tables booked.

Little did I realize that on this weekend of polar opposites it would be the red-faced, AARP stick-yahoos with American Express Black cards ($7,500 fee for the first year) and pocketfuls of Lipitor who would be The Tormentors. This is a group so lacking in self-awareness and a sense of irony that they allow themselves to be called ex-laxers.

These packs of old white guys reliving their obnoxious youth through the glaucous lens of vodka and time turned into the perfect storm of boorishness. It may have been a fluke of where I happened to be, but I have never seen more obnoxious bar customers. The general modus operandi was yell-talking and yell-laughing, because if the whole room can't hear your every word, why did you buy that Ferrari?

Here are some highlights:

•    The couple who loudly announced upon arrival that the bartender was missing and maybe they should leave. When Scott returned a minute later they loudly repeated the statement to him. They didn't want to see a menu, they just wanted some bread and cheese to snack on. Not a menu item. They said, "Well, it's an Italian restaurant. You have cheese. Why don't you go fetch some from the kitchen and make us a little plate?"

•    Same couple wanted octopus. No octopus. Well, where could they get octopus, etc. Meanwhile twenty people are waiting for drinks.

•    Another group wanted to know the specific origin of the clams and musels.

•    One woman wanted the sangria ingredients and process explained in detail. She argued that those were not the proper ingredients.

•    Another woman wanted to know exactly what was in the Bloody Mary mix. After much discussion she ordered a rail vodka and tonic.

•    A loud guy with a man-perm yelled, "Hey, Steve," repeatedly at Scott, demanding immediate service for his group of five. When Scott arrived, he hemmed and hawed and turned to his group and asked, "So, what do you guys want?"

•    A loud guy yelled the history of Little Italy to his crew and the whole bar in the most inaccurate and racist terms I have ever heard.

•    One person wanted Blue Moon on tap. They only had it in bottles. He then demanded to know which draft beer was most similar to Blue Moon. He got a Coors Light ... in a bottle.
Hands down the worst crowd ever, including Yankee and Red Sox fans and the Preakness crowd.

Give me death metal fans anytime.

(Photo by Getty Images)

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Posted by Sam Sessa at 2:51 PM | | Comments (24)
Categories: Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays


Here come the hateful, mean spiritied comments about how all private schoolers are DBs, and the class warfare rhetoric about how all white people that wear collard shirts are prenentious and racist. "You belong to a country Club?, You're a racisit!".

It's old OMG, we get it, your too dang cool to wear a shirt with a polo guy on it, your far to cultured to be caught dead watching a lacrosse game or talking about sports.

Face it your just as pretentios as the guy next to you, just in a different way.

You are just too cool for school OMG.

Nothing says self entitlement and obnoxiousness like 50 yr old white guys.

Disagree. These are the people that handle your food and drink. Be polite if not nice. acting like a 9 year old is an insult to children everywhere.
I know tons of "those" people, having went to a private catholic area highschool. There is no upper or lower cut off on salary for graciousness.
Tips don't buy someone's soul, they are a compliment for good service. And if you're a tool it takes more energy to wait on you while remaining pleasant. Thusly, if you are a tool, minimum tip is 30%.

FannieMac, Just writing what I observed. I'm a Hopkins alum, so by association I'm one of them in a way. And you know the Bluejay motto: Blood in, blood out. (It sounds better in Latin.)

I didn't touch on any of those issues you mentioned. It sounds like you need to hug it out. Come on, hug it out, Skitch.

all white people that wear collard shirts are prenentious

Actually, a collard shirt might be tasty.

Pretentious? Moi? I hope I'm not, but it happens sometimes. My favorite comment on Dining@Large ever was this (it reminds me to be humble):

I was driving to work today and there was a beat up rusty old Dumpster on the back of truck and it said "Owl Metals" At first glance I thought it said Owl Meat. Your in my head, you pretentious bastard.
Posted by: Hellp | December 17, 2008

I think people that yell racist stuff in public are racist. My knowledge of country clubs is limited to a documentary called "Caddyshack".

Frankly, I was expecting metal fans to be angry that described them as polite. My real desire was to see the two groups mingle in the same space. Now that would have been cool enough for school.

Thanks for the feedback.


Behaving badly is not acceptable regardless how money you can spend, given the above description Scott, by rights, should thrown them out and requested they not return but I realize doing such things make for problematic PR, even if you're justified.

I wasn't going to go here. But since FM is all girded for it, I might as well oblige, courtesy of John Seabrook :

"Thanks in part to lacrosse, the Baltimore preppies I know have managed to survive with their sense of entitlement more or less intact; for better or worse, they're not beaten down like New York preppies, who have had to compete in the remorseless meritocracy of Manhattan."

When The New Yorker thinks your subculture is pretentious—I repeat, The New Yorker—you might want to just sit quietly and let OMG poke at you a little, cause you've earned it.

"You know what sucks about being a Baldwin, Daniel?"

"What's that, Alec?"

"Nothing!!!! Hahahahaha"

A bit of a non sequitur but I couldn't resist.

Patchen: When The New Yorker thinks your subculture is pretentious—I repeat, The New Yorker—you might want to just sit quietly and let OMG poke at you a little, cause you've earned it.

I remember that article...

Oh wait... did I just give myself away?

Owl Meat, no doubt Death Fest and Lacrosse fans make a fantastic combo.

But for my money, the weekend of Otakon is even better, when in the past there have also been Yankee or Red Sox fans sharing the Inner Harbor area.

Very sadly, this year's Otakon has the Orioles on the road. It will still be fantastic people-watching anyways...

OMG were you at Amicci's- sounds like a Lil Italy environment. & if OMG is pretentious for that judgement- jeez my ghetto bastard ass is like whoa-snob

I was chatting with a couple of Baltimore's finest mid-weekend and they declared they'd take the rowdy boozing of a Raven's game over a lacrosse tournament any day.

Again, where is Tyler Derden when you need him? I hope someone went guerrilla warfare on their food. Want some cheese, toolbox? Here's some frumunda on your bread.

The thing I like about Lax is running around and playing with the ball and really getting into the rough stuff with the other guys. I'm not sure how one wins or much about the game scoring but I can can bet on that..I play defense because of my long stick, but I'm equally good whereever...go LAX!!

@Mike D: Hoisting a snifter of fine brandy your way.

@Anonymous: Dude, I remember that weekend! My friend who worked at the Inner Harbor Chipotle said it was the craziest weekend the store every experienced. Shattered all previous records.

Speaking of which, I remember seeing a mixed group of two Orioles and two Yankees fans yelling at Otakon attendees in cosplay.

I asked why and they said because the kids were freaks.

And—this is perhaps the only time in my life I've ever had a comeback to a jock in real life (as opposed to days my head, as I sobbed into my pillow)—I said:

"They have wigs. You have painted faces.

"They have costumes. You're wearing the uniforms of people who aren't you playing a game you're not good enough to play.

"And two of you are going home losers. They're going to end the night with a rave and **** like it's band camp."

The Orioles fans swore at me, but one of the Yankees fans laughed. Good for him.

Patchen, I liked that.

Lacrosse is just hockey for people to stupid to ice skate.

(that was a joke, don't get your umbros in a bunch)

Good stuff, Patchen.

My favorite oil and water crowds in Baltimore happened five or more years ago. It was the national square dance convention and the Yankees. While the Yankees fans do their dress up thing, the square dancers all go out in their matching home-made outfits. It's surreal. It's like a calico acid trip.

But even better than that was the national gay square dance convention which immediately followed. Dudes in matching outfits that were slightly more flamboyant than the straight couples.

All thi stuff makes Baltimore a more interesting place. Otakon, furries, it's all good.

Possibly weirder was walking into the bar where DeGroen's used to be and seeing drunk men doing some weird folk dancing with hankies and sticks. Very odd. I found out later that this was the national Morris dance convention.

that reminds me: i need to go back on otakon safari this year again.

@Evan - Want to turn it into a photo Scavenger Hunt? Otakon weekend is my fave.

Extra points of you can get someone form Otakon & someone in an O's or Ravens shirt together

your too dang cool to wear a shirt with a polo guy on it, your far to cultured

Points off for "dang".

Regarding Morris dance music

MORRIS ON: cuckoo`s nest
As risqué as any rock or blues song

Albion Country Band: 'Morris Medley' (Mouresque, London Pride, So Selfish Runs the Hare, Maid of the Mill, Sheriff's Ride)!v=55Ep2M8b37w&feature=related


I actually got a picture at the last Otakon with some people donned in outfits from Neon Genesis Evangelion (my favorite anime) while wearing my O's shirt.

We just drank and people watched by the convention center, it was a blast.

The Otakon and DeathFest attendees I encountered were all terribly polite. They also bought a ton of stuff locally.

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.

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