Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: Barguments
Years ago, we fooled around with various barguments, and even gave away a couple free copies of the book "Barguments." In this week's column, Owl Meat resurrects the tasty topic. Take it away, Owly:
Satan created dinosaurs. I heard that in a bar, so it's a fact. I learned it from our designated driver. Welcome to my world.
Today's topic: barguments. Arguments in a bar can be elucidating, maddening, and hilarious. I did an informal survey of the imbibulous and selected my favorite topics.
So, the dinosaur thing. I was working in the U.S. Virgin Islands setting up a multi-island network and doing a little BPR, you know, business process re-engineering. I had a small contingent of stateside people, useless islanders, and revolving consultants ...
We shared a car to commute to work. After work we often stopped for cocktails and dinner and cocktails and cocktails. Our non-drinking driver explained dinosaurs to us. You see, everything God makes is perfect and therefore, because dinosaurs became extinct, God didn't create them.
Satan created a race of humanoids called the Antediluvians who then created the dinosaurs. When a sober person proposes such an idea, there really is no point is arguing with him.
And now for the rest:
The cursed – Phil Collins is Australian.
The classic – Who would win in a fight? Jesus vs. Moses, Superman vs. Batman, Sarcasm vs. Irony, etc.
The seasonal – St. Patrick was Italian.
The obscure – Gilligan's Island characters represent the Seven Deadly Sins. This is a good one.
The Jersey – Where to bury the body.
The awkward to refute – "Schindler's List" is anti-Semitic. This generally blows people's minds.
The geek taunter –" Lord of the Rings" is the film equivalent of an Enya song, i.e., a huge, cluttered waste of time. Plus, it's anti-Semitic.
The ridiculous – Madonna is a musician. No, she is a singer. But her instrument is her voice. Then everyone but mutes are musicians. Yadda yadda.
The awesome – Imagine you are standing in the middle of a gym with a door in each of four corners. Four homicidal three year olds enter every five minutes bent on your destruction. Nobody is armed. How long can you endure? What is your strategy?
So Midnight Sunners, what are your favorite or most annoying barguments? I won't give away my strategy for toddler apocalypse; I'll let you weigh in first. Let the games begin!
(Photo courtesy of Getty Images)