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April 20, 2010

Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: Barguments

satan created dinosaurs, you know. it's true!Years ago, we fooled around with various barguments, and even gave away a couple free copies of the book "Barguments." In this week's column, Owl Meat resurrects the tasty topic. Take it away, Owly:

Satan created dinosaurs. I heard that in a bar, so it's a fact. I learned it from our designated driver. Welcome to my world.

Today's topic: barguments. Arguments in a bar can be elucidating, maddening, and hilarious. I did an informal survey of the imbibulous and selected my favorite topics.

So, the dinosaur thing. I was working in the U.S. Virgin Islands setting up a multi-island network and doing a little BPR, you know, business process re-engineering. I had a small contingent of stateside people, useless islanders, and revolving consultants ...

My core crew was a good ole Texas Oracle boy and a born-again cultish Unix systems guy.

We shared a car to commute to work. After work we often stopped for cocktails and dinner and cocktails and cocktails. Our non-drinking driver explained dinosaurs to us. You see, everything God makes is perfect and therefore, because dinosaurs became extinct, God didn't create them.

Satan created a race of humanoids called the Antediluvians who then created the dinosaurs. When a sober person proposes such an idea, there really is no point is arguing with him.

And now for the rest:

The cursed – Phil Collins is Australian.

The classic – Who would win in a fight? Jesus vs. Moses, Superman vs. Batman, Sarcasm vs. Irony, etc.

The seasonal – St. Patrick was Italian.

The obscure – Gilligan's Island characters represent the Seven Deadly Sins. This is a good one.

The Jersey – Where to bury the body.

The awkward to refute – "Schindler's List" is anti-Semitic. This generally blows people's minds.

The geek taunter –" Lord of the Rings" is the film equivalent of an Enya song, i.e., a huge, cluttered waste of time. Plus, it's anti-Semitic.

The ridiculous – Madonna is a musician. No, she is a singer. But her instrument is her voice. Then everyone but mutes are musicians. Yadda yadda.

The awesome – Imagine you are standing in the middle of a gym with a door in each of four corners. Four homicidal three year olds enter every five minutes bent on your destruction. Nobody is armed. How long can you endure? What is your strategy?

So Midnight Sunners, what are your favorite or most annoying barguments? I won't give away my strategy for toddler apocalypse; I'll let you weigh in first. Let the games begin!

(Photo courtesy of Getty Images)


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Posted by Sam Sessa at 7:41 AM | | Comments (42)
Categories: Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays
        

Comments

wrath, - Skipper
greed, - Mr. Howell
sloth, Gilligan
pride, Professor
lust, Ginger
envy, MaryAnn
gluttony.Mrs. Howell

Great piece, OMG!

My personal least favorite bar argument is:

It's a night club. No, It's a restaurant. No, it's a clubstaurant. No, it's a restaurclub.

Huh, I thought I was slightly clever coining the word "bargument". What a misgregious pho paw.

Similarly, I googled to see if "imbibulous" was a real word (hoping for no). It turns out Mencken had coined "ombibulous" already, meaning one who drinks everything, so I felt like I was in good company. Very cromulent indeed.

for the toddlers, you'd think that a swift series of high punts would be enough to break their necks, while still keeping a decent range. what? it's hypothetical.

oh and you can also add

Golf/NASCAR isn't a sport....

D'oh! How did I miss the clubstaurant fracas?

Oh, drunk richard. So close, but you need to switch two of your castaways.

When this bargument first came up years ago before everyone could google in a bar, the first hour of the argument was what were the seven deadly sins.

Then followed the idiotic tipsy semantic rumble over the difference between avarice and greed. Someone actually called St. Leo's Church in LIttle Italy: "Hey, Father Mike, we're havin' a argument at the bar..."

Toddler Apocalypse? Aren't they playing at Coachella?

I assume these are toddlers with no ninja or superhero powers?

Neutralize one and use it to mow down the others via the toddler windmill.

Believe it or not, I have seen attempts to argue the greatness of a particular mass-production North American industrial lager over another. Go figure.

Less common: arguments for the greatness of Miller Lite/Bud Light/Guinness/etc. over micros or craft beer.

Even less common: debating the superiority of, say, Dogfish Head 90-Minute IPA over Heavy Seas Loose Cannon. Most beer geeks go for diversity over loyalty.

Nice photo. I guess the Devil invented Photoshop too.

Beerguments are legion.
1) Canned beer tastes better than bottled
2) Draft beer makes me sick, but not bottled
3) Why does it look like the bubbles in Guinness are going down instead of up?
4) Killian's Irish Red is an imported beer
5) How to say Märzen. Hint, it's not marr-zen
6) How to pronounce Beaujolais.
7) Why I refuse to say "red Zinfandel"

I suppose mrs howell could be sloth as she sits on her as- the whole time.

Actually, I went over to the church and asked Father Mike.

The Madonna argument was classic. Her head nearly popped when we laughed at her when she said Madonna was a musician, and it wasn't one of those har-har laughs, I believe guffaws is the proper term.

There's no salt in Saltimbooca, that's tenderizer! WTF do you think is in tenderizer!??!

Yes, drunk richard. This one is tricky. Giligan is the glutton. He eats more coconut cream pie than all the castaways combined. The Skipper just has a thyroid condition. He eats normal amounts. Gilligan is like a raccoon in a dumpster.

Thanks, Sparky. The first time you've ever been in a Catholic Church and it's to settle a bar bet. Classico.

Sparky, that place really was the black hole of stupid arguments.

All barguments end in, "And another thing,".

Colonel, I like to end all arguments with, "I find your arguments epistemologically whack, yo."

Or, "Truth is beauty, my bro."

Nah, truth is what ruin and otherwise good story.

One argument that always seems to break out among a few of my friends after they've hammered back a few is how influential / overrated Nirvana was. This can go on for over an hour.

I've learned to stay out of it.

@ Alexander D Mitchell IV

Once in a bar in Louisiana one of the locals insisted to me that Bud Light was the best beer in America. It had to be, because it sold the most bottles.

Flawless logic.

Also, this post is anti-Semitic.

Tvs are the death of conversation in bars. Are there any bars that don't have TVs?

@ art:

Pubs without TVs:
J. Patrick's, Locust Point
The Wharf Rat, Fells Point (as I recall)
I don't remember one in Bertha's.....

And I do chuckle at the one bar that keeps two TV sets tuned to news: MSNBC on the left, Fox News on the right......

Last time I heard, Annabel Lee does not have a TV and Laughing Pint only rolls theirs out for big events like Ravens playoffs.

TVs are a known catalyst for barguments.

The best "bargument" I ever engaged in was in a now defunct Little Italy restaurant. It was with some random guy about Prosecco of all things. It degenerated into insults and name calling and resulted into an enduring friendship. I really should make more time to see my old friend.

Also, this post is anti-Semitic.

Zink! Damn, you know how to start an argument. Not gonna take the bait. Not gonna. I think you meant anti-semantic.

Hey, Kimmer. Yes, that was the most ridiculous and idiotic argument I have ever seen (being one of the idiots). Quite an unlikely way to begin a friendship. Come see me, I'm around.

You forgot the zombie apocalypse argument.

Or, even better, the whole "Could a Chuck Norris Zombie ever be taken down or are we all just boned" argument. Which I believe we have had and a resolution was never found.

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I've never cried.

Is the WNBA watchable? (Really requires a woman to be in the argument)

Also, Madonna recently said in a Rolling Stone article that she's not a musician. She said it in reference to Sting who she considers a "real musician".

I believe Chuck Klosterman has a book about these topics coming out this summer. Maybe you should hipster copyright the term "bargument" just in case.

Yeah, that's right. I know what books Chuck Klosterman is publishing...in the future!

Pac vs. Biggie

Madonna recently said in a Rolling Stone article that she's not a musician.

Woo hoo! Take that Lisa H.!

Politics. Anything political. SHUT IT!

Politics. Anything political. SHUT IT!

Agree in mostly.

Trotsky was the true visionary of the Russian Revolution. Discuss. Da!

Ronald Reagan was a Communist in the 1930s. Dicusss.

Hitler was democratically elected. Discuss flaws of democracy.

Obama sucks. Don't discuss.
Bush sucks. Don't discuss.
Romney is an android. Discuss quietly.

I remember your parties where you would invite all our ex-girfriends and people that you didn't get along with and play the weirdest music that was still upbeat. Genius.

Partymaster Owl! Do you still have the stones to pull that off? Come on, bro, the world needs your crazy.

Hitler was democratically elected. Discuss flaws of democracy.

No Hitler! NO HITLER!

I want a t-shirt that says Romney is an Android. haha, I don't know why, but it really just makes me giggle.

I'm not really fond of barguments, but I do enjoy a good round of "Would you rather?" when conversations start to wane. The drunker you are, the more ridiculous the options become. Love it.

I like talking to other 20-somethings about how our generation is so ADD. It's typically a short conversation.

No Hitler!

Oh, you're right. Ne genocidal dictators.

Bargument: neologisms & portmanteau words should be left to professionals. Who should then leave them mostly alone.

Is it acceptable to consider music you listened to when you were younger to be classified as "classic rock?"


Did NOT mean to open that can of worms last night, but I still maintain my stance:

If a car can qualify for "historic" plates at 20 years, then music from that time is considered classic rock.

You are on notice in about 5 years, Guns 'N Roses.

@Staggering Lee

Appetite for Destruction came out in '87...just sayin'

Yes, but half of "Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide" was released in '86.

Key word in OP, about.

Either way, it leaves a bad feeling in my stomach.

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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