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March 4, 2010

The Captain's Corner: Drinking tequila in the buff

capt. larry outside his bar, circa 2000

Who's been waiting all week for the next edition of the Captain's Corner? I know I have. 

If you're still new to the Captain's Corner (shame on you), here's what you need to know: It's a series of columns by Capt. Larry Gross, the former owner of Captain Larry's in South Baltimore. Read his past columns here.

OK, we're locked, loaded and ready for some action. Captain! Come on, buddy!

After the third wife, I had this girlfriend, Donna. We went to Mexico -- we took a week and went to Cancun or someplace.

I come back with three or four bottles of Mexican tequila -- two bottles of the expensive (bleep) and two bottles of the nasty (bleep) and two of these bandaleros like Pancho Villa would wear.

One night, I'm tending bar, and I've got about 20 people in the bar, and it's getting like I've got to do something to liven the place up ...

I go back in the kitchen, take all my (bleeping) clothes off, put those two bandaleros on and one of those Mexican hats. I come out and Christ, they almost fell on the floor.

They said, 'What are you doing?'

I said, 'We're going to drink tequila. We're going to drink the good (bleep) and the bad (bleep).'

They said, 'Let's start with the bad (bleep).'

Those customers got four free bottles of tequila. (The neighborhood cop), Wally, comes in, and every (bleeping) customer sitting at that bar is naked. I'm behind the bar naked, and I'm all juiced up.

He said, 'What the (bleep) are you people doing?'

I said, 'We're drinking (bleeping) tequila, and we're naked, Wally.'

He said, 'Well, I want to, too!'

Wally takes his clothes off, puts his gun belt back on -- and his hat -- and said, 'I'm going to be the doorman.'

I said, 'Wally, put your (bleeping) clothes on. Again, they will only shut me down for three days, but you will be fired.'

It's a wonder I lasted that long without getting shut down. I didn't do anything criminal or bad. Just the wackiest (bleep), and everybody got into it.

(Photo of Capt. Larry circa 2001 from Sun archives)


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Posted by Sam Sessa at 12:06 PM | | Comments (8)
Categories: Bar stories
        

Comments

I love Captain Larry stories. I love them like fire loves a library.

I almost wish I'd been there.

Now that sounds like LOCUST POINT! One can only wonder what McHenry's Landing is going to be like.

I hope to God those bar stools were burned.

Rube, actually, I heard the stools were ground down into sawdust, which is still used to batter the french fries.

Hee hee.

Another classic!

Sam, I don't know how to tell you this, but those aren't french fries.

Captain Larry's sighting last night at Captain Larry's.

He really does exist!!!

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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