I've seen some crazy bad shipwrecks on the Sea of Love. While you may think you are the captain of your love boat, the bartender has complete control of the situation, and you have an audience hungry for comedy.

Here comes the evil Professor. He's going to rebuild you. I saw a guy dictate a complete makeover to my friend. "You would be beautiful if you cut your hair, dyed it darker, and thinned out those eyebrows. And get rid of those earrings. "

Another suggested breast implants – colossal fail.

Has "You should smile more," ever landed well?

The flaw of evil Professor is that he's trying to turn Mary Ann into Ginger. Did he learn nothing from the seven stranded castaways? (Season 3, episode 24).

His other half is geeky Professor. You should come over to his apartment and play Wii. Or he could go to your place to defrag your hard drive. Actually, if you want to, you can just bring your laptop to the bar and I'll, I mean, he'll install some really cool software that he hacked. After he finishes his peach mojito he mumbles something about optimization and he's gone like a muon after you turn off your cyclotron.

Then there is Thirsty Howl III – The Millionaire. His path to glory is littered with blingtabulous morsels. My boat, my condo, my house, my car. Yawn. He wants to purchase your affections. Not very flattering. He sometimes suggests that a cash tip should get him something, uh, not on the menu.

How about the Skipper? He's the Regional Director of Marketing for Bippi Tools – Tools for Living. He always gives you his business card. If you sleep with him maybe some of his splendor will rub off.

Special guest stars: One guy at a bar spent hours drinking himself into a comical spectacle. By the time his friend dragged him off, his pickup jargon was a garbled collage of languages. All we could make out was, "Would you like to ride in my motorboat?"

Whatever character you think you are, after beaucoup Grey Goose martinis or Natty Bohs, we are all Gilligans.

As you slurp your saliva colada and masticate on lubricious urges, remember this: You're at somebody's job. This is how they make their living. Pump the breaks, playa, and don't forget you might be tomorrow's YouTube hit.

As always, the best part of this column is your comments and stories. Bring it, castaways!