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February 2, 2010

Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: Hitting on the bartender

this photo is super freaky.In today's column, Owl Meat draws a clever comparison between a classic TV show and the classic, tragic art of hitting on the server.

Dining@Large also discussed a similar topic a little while ago. But Owl Meat's take is as fresh as ever. Are you ready, Owl Meat? I think he's ready. Here goes:

Flirting with the bartender is usually a harmless play. Petty sensual tourism. But when it goes too far, it becomes a squall of tawdry tragicomedy.

Mixing business, pleasure and alcohol in an asymmetric social clime is fraught with danger. The more the customer spends, the drunker he gets and the more his game suffers. To compensate, he ramps up the action.

Then the weather starts getting rough and your tiny ship is tossed. If not for the courage of your favorite brew, your Minnow would be lost. Your Minnow would be lost. ...

Whether you favor Mary Ann or Ginger or (gasp) über-cougar Mrs. Howell, eventually you become a loser stranded on a desert island with nothing but your coconuts after your three hour tour. Your three hour tour.

I've seen some crazy bad shipwrecks on the Sea of Love. While you may think you are the captain of your love boat, the bartender has complete control of the situation, and you have an audience hungry for comedy.

Here comes the evil Professor. He's going to rebuild you. I saw a guy dictate a complete makeover to my friend. "You would be beautiful if you cut your hair, dyed it darker, and thinned out those eyebrows. And get rid of those earrings. "

Another suggested breast implants – colossal fail.

Has "You should smile more," ever landed well?

The flaw of evil Professor is that he's trying to turn Mary Ann into Ginger. Did he learn nothing from the seven stranded castaways? (Season 3, episode 24).

His other half is geeky Professor. You should come over to his apartment and play Wii. Or he could go to your place to defrag your hard drive. Actually, if you want to, you can just bring your laptop to the bar and I'll, I mean, he'll install some really cool software that he hacked. After he finishes his peach mojito he mumbles something about optimization and he's gone like a muon after you turn off your cyclotron.

Then there is Thirsty Howl III – The Millionaire. His path to glory is littered with blingtabulous morsels. My boat, my condo, my house, my car. Yawn. He wants to purchase your affections. Not very flattering. He sometimes suggests that a cash tip should get him something, uh, not on the menu.

How about the Skipper? He's the Regional Director of Marketing for Bippi Tools – Tools for Living. He always gives you his business card. If you sleep with him maybe some of his splendor will rub off.

Special guest stars: One guy at a bar spent hours drinking himself into a comical spectacle. By the time his friend dragged him off, his pickup jargon was a garbled collage of languages. All we could make out was, "Would you like to ride in my motorboat?"

Whatever character you think you are, after beaucoup Grey Goose martinis or Natty Bohs, we are all Gilligans.

As you slurp your saliva colada and masticate on lubricious urges, remember this: You're at somebody's job. This is how they make their living. Pump the breaks, playa, and don't forget you might be tomorrow's YouTube hit.

As always, the best part of this column is your comments and stories. Bring it, castaways!

(Photo by Getty Images)

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Posted by Sam Sessa at 11:00 AM | | Comments (4)
Categories: Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays
        

Comments

Great stuff OMG!
Instant classic

I've got a lot of sympathy for bartenders in that situation. Here they are, running around fixing drinks and working hard, knowing some clod is sitting there eyeing their every move. Must be unnerving.

thanks for the scuttlebutt, little buddy
Also worth keeping in mind is that the bartender's BF or GF may also be seated at the bar,maybe waiting for end of shift, and tiring of your raft of same.Step out of line and you'll need to have eaten some of the Professor's radioactive spinach...

The Skipper clearly has some rage issues. Expect to get smacked around a little.

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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