Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: Dos and don'ts of being a regular
If I had to guess, I'd say I'm a regular at a couple South Baltimore bars, just because I live in the neighborhood. I'm not a fixture -- I'm a firefly, as Owl Meat would put it.
Here, Owl Meat reveals the ways to be the best bar regular:
I am guilty of extreme bar monogamy.
I tend to stay in relationships long after it's time to pay the tab and move on.
There is a slippery slope where the bar regular slides from rock star to family, lickety-split. "Family" sounds great. Wrong. It means short tempers, grudges, and drunken shouting matches, well, at least in my experience.
As one who has committed the bar sin of being too regular, I offer some humble advice on being an awesome bar regular ...
It's good to have a home base, just don't be a fixture. Get out of the neighborhood, change it up.
If you want to maximize your bar awesomeness, move around. Flit about the scene like a firefly. Now here, now there. Be an enigma; don't be too well known. You're not that interesting.
If you pop into a place every two or three weeks and don't stay too long, they will be happy to see you every time. Less is more. Come up with a signature cocktail. Bartenders remember people by what they drink. Don't be Bud Light Guy. You're him at your home base. Be Bushmill's neat with an olive on the side guy.
For some reason, I get different things when I go to different places. I might not visit a bar for months, but the bartender will remember that I had a Jack and Coke the last time and then I'm Jack and Coke Guy. Better than at my home base, where I'm annoying guy with laptop who tells the same stories over and over. Nope, I'm Jack and Coke Guy tonight.
Whatever you do, don't be these guys (or girls):
1) The hit-on-the-bartender regular – flirting is okay, but don't be the guy who doesn't get the message day after day. You are amusing in a pathetic way, but it is the bartender's workplace, not a brothel.
2) The entitled regular – Gimme gimme, me me me. You're still a guest. If you want to play your music, watch your TV shows, and monopolize the atmosphere, buy your own bar.
3) The special needs regular – The bartender doesn't mind getting some jalapeño juice from the kitchen for your Mexitini when it's slow, but don't be a pest when he's slammed.
If you want to be a well-loved casual regular, avoid these topics in addition to religion and politics:
1) Your job. No one cares. Replaying all your stress as Whine Theater just makes everyone else stressed. Your boss is a jerk. Let it go.
2) Your house, your mortgage, blah blah. Shut up.
3) Fantasy football. We get it; you don't have a girlfriend.
4) Medical stuff. No one wants to hear the details of your splenectomy or root canal. Zip it.
If you do become bar-family, don't be the man-child who lives in the basement. Be the well-traveled cousin who plays "Santa Lucia" on the concertina, cage fights monkeys, and drops in just now and then. Be the Dos Equis guy, not Norm from "Cheers."
Yo DJ, drop a beat for my exit. How about "Here Comes a Regular" by the Replacements? I like this version by John Doe.
(Photo by Getty Images)
I've been The Baltimore Sun's nightlife and local entertainment reporter for a couple years, and it's surprising how much the scene has grown in that time. Most of Baltimore's bars and clubs are unpretentious places with fairly cheap drinks and plenty of character. I like dancing and think this city needs more clubs, but nothing beats having a cold, locally brewed beer with friends in a comfortably full corner bar.
Comments
Yes, Fantasy Football, you don't have a girlfriend, but you probably have a wife.
By the way, I'm 7-2 this year...oh who cares.
Bushmill's neat with an olive on the side guy
An olive? With Whiskey? What are you, a barbarian?
Posted by: Robert of Cross Keys | November 10, 2009 11:21 AM
An olive? With Whiskey? What are you, a barbarian?
People will remember you. Of course, I wouldn't do it.
Posted by: Owl Meat GoMeat! | November 10, 2009 11:40 AM
Here's the original photo before I turned it into a David Lynch day dream: The Owl Meat Apocrypha
Posted by: Owl Meat GhostInTheMirror | November 10, 2009 12:09 PM
An olive? With Whiskey? What are you, a barbarian?
RoCK, you have to have dinner with your drink, right?
Nice job, OMG. Especially fine ending with the link to John Doe.
Posted by: *◄:o)╥╥~YumPorchetta | November 10, 2009 12:39 PM
She looks like the shade of Dorothy Parker.
Posted by: Gabriel Oak | November 10, 2009 12:46 PM
Another thing to add to your list of things to not do:
Don't get pissed when someone is sitting in "your" seat. Yes, we know you sit there every time you come in and it gives you the perfect angle of everything you want to see, but is it really "your" seat??
Posted by: Jade Fox | November 10, 2009 1:33 PM
Bartender: "So, how's your day going?"
Customer: "Great! I wasn't selected for the jury pool. Now I've got all this free time on my hands."
Posted by: Camille Quelquejeu | November 10, 2009 3:34 PM
i would even boldly suggest that you make room for other people when you are in your special seat.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | November 10, 2009 3:55 PM
Yes, when listing "Furniture & Fixtures" in the Asset column of their Balance Sheets, the bar owners/tenders did not have you, the patron in mind..
Posted by: SushiGirl aka Lisa | November 10, 2009 7:19 PM
LQTM (Laughing quietly to myself), SushiGirl. I am a Lazy Boy. I used to go to Minato's old location so much that they called me Sashimi Bob.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | November 11, 2009 8:00 AM
The way bars treat their regulars go a long way toward keeping them that way.
I used to have a bar (in another life) that I used to come in after work, a couple times a week. It would just tickle me pink when, at the first sight of me, the waitress would just bring me the drink she knew I wanted and put in an order of hot wings. Used to make me feel like a million bucks.
The worst part about moving from that city was leaving that particular bar. Took me about 15 years to find another one that was even close.
Posted by: bluzdude | November 11, 2009 9:32 AM
LCAM (Laughing curiously at myself), BTW i did get the LQTM, but thanks for the translation.. =)
Perhaps i would recognize you.. there's a lot worse things to be called than Sashimi anything.. i went to the old one a half dozen times, but have been to the new locale more frequently, great place to dine pre-movie (Charles) or pre show (various).. i started eating sushi over 20 years ago when i over-stayed my welcome many a night at Kawasaki , still miss that place..
Posted by: SushiGirl aka Lisa | November 11, 2009 9:53 AM
Perhaps we do know each other Sushiko. it's Baltimore, after all.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gaijin | November 11, 2009 10:05 AM
Ah.. Sushiko on Wisconsin Ave., been there many a time..
My fav place for the past few years, hands down is Sushi Sono at the Lake in Columbia.. i think they are rated a 30/30 on Zagat for food, and i concur.
Ever been to Tako (Octopus) Grill in Bethesda?
Guess this has veered off topic, sorry Sam!
Posted by: SushiGirl aka Lisa | November 11, 2009 11:27 AM
Don't know Sushiko. I was just flirting. "ko" is a feminine diminuitive in Japanese added at the end of many female names, like "ita" in Spanish. So, I was making SushiGirl into Sushiko. I don't get out of Baltimore much for sushi, so no to all of those. They sound great.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravytron | November 11, 2009 11:53 AM
Owl Meat Gravy - San,
"What fresh Hell is this?" - Dorothy Parker
Interesting image manipulation that evokes way past closing time, a little lurid.
Posted by: GDA | November 11, 2009 12:59 PM
Kind of an accident. Had a spooky David Lynch feel. Lurid indeed. Not as spooky as a werewolf bar mitzvah though.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | November 11, 2009 1:39 PM
I have another don't for ya.
Don't come in with a political ax to grind every time. Yes I know you think politician X is better then Y. You have never talked about anything else. Shut up, no one cares, this isn't a rally.
Posted by: John Reusing | November 11, 2009 4:38 PM
Has anyone ever converted someone in a bar to their political cause? I think not. might as well try to get them to switch sports team allegiance. If you do have a debate about anything at all your opinion should be as malleable as silly putty. Conversation in a bar should have no real purpose except to entertain and divert yourself from the tedium of iife outside the bar. And to the guy who always wants Fox "News" on the TV – really?!?
Just don't try to tell me the truth about anything in a bar. Truth has no business being there or my name isn't Baron Von Flugelpuss, the legitimate heir to the Hapsburg Dynasty ... ladies.
Posted by: Owl Meat GoTeam | November 11, 2009 4:56 PM
OMG,
Do you think God is a Democrat or a Republican?
Not original
Posted by: GDA | November 11, 2009 5:08 PM
I don't know, GDA, but She has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. It's like I can see the Universe in them. That's right, I'm hittin' on God.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gigolo | November 11, 2009 7:18 PM
OMG- Oh, well in that case, pretty ironic a Sushiko actually exists. Never been to Sushi Sono?? You ARE missing a lot! Meet me there, i'll show ya the ropes ( i mean rice)...
Posted by: SushiGirl aka Lisa | November 11, 2009 7:29 PM
Color me there, Sushiko. Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are? They are like golden sunflowers.
Posted by: Owl Meat GoodGrief | November 12, 2009 12:09 AM
OMG-oodGrief CharlieBrown!!
Ha! Ha! Golden eyes .. with Brown Pupils! cool. I'll Color you there ..
Sushiko ..
Posted by: SushiGirl aka Lisa | November 12, 2009 2:08 PM