Your beer horoscope
I've often started longingly into the dregs of a can of Natty Ice, wondering if I could see my future in them.
The only thing I accurately predicted was a ripe hangover, rot gut and a plump little potbelly.
Guest poster (and whiskey psychic) Paul "Scoop" Vivari to the rescue! Here's Scoop with a look at your future, based on what kind of beer you drink:
Predicting how the events of your day will unfold based on when your birthday falls has always been a laughable enterprise.
The ability to see into the future lies not in the secrets of the lunar calendar; rather, and quite obviously, it lies in our beer preference.
"You are what you drink," Plato may or may not have said, and if you have ever been curious to know what your day will be like before it even begins, simply find your beer of choice below, clear your mind, and be washed away by the suds of prophecy ...
Adventure, intrigue and scores of exotic, willing women are all in play today for you, the Most Interesting Man in the World. Your dominance in this afternoon’s international Jai Alai tournament final will only be surpassed by your virtuosity at adapting Brahms’ Paganini Variations onto the slide whistle at this evening's Carnegie Hall performance. Diving for pearls in the pirated waters off the Sulu Archipelago isn’t entirely out of the question as well. Just kidding! You’ll be drinking crappy Mexican beer alone in your windowless basement apartment tonight.
As a fan of a beer that advertises itself as "tasting cold," another successful day of confusing temperature for flavor is in store for you. You’ll score big points with your fiancee's gourmand parents at tonight’s rehearsal dinner when you remark that your seared Kobe steak with julienned haricot vertes and truffle-quail egg emulsion tastes "pretty warm," and even the restaurant’s notoriously condescending sommelier will be impressed by your ability to detect some of the wine’s more subtle room-temperature qualities. Well done.
Reading the stars, Capricorn seductively dancing with Neptune in the Western Mirth Quadrangle suggests another tough, tedious day manning the interstate tollbooth. Your lunch of beef jerky and diet Slice should lift your spirits, but if not, pay attention to tonight’s Pick 6 drawing; the Osiris dwarf-quasar foretells your odds of winning as being closer to 4 percent than they are to 3. If none of this makes you feel better about your life, take solace in the fact that there’s a case of beer at home that’s just as bitter and unsatisfying.
Pabst’s Blue Ribbon
Romance is in the cards today, as you'll find yourself confronted with a sexy facsimile of your female equivalent. Don’t blow it; she may like bad 80s films, obscure no-wave music, and be wearing glasses that only Depression-era secretaries wore, but you won’t know for sure until you see her with the only hip accessory that matters these days: a can of PBR. If she's drinking cheap, bland beer and painfully forces herself to forget that it tastes like fermented septic runoff, you'll know it's time to make your move.
Difficult choices lie ahead for you today, but you must not waver in your convictions. Should you slowly sip a pint of your favorite stout, brewed as Ireland's pride for 250 years and a symbol of its national heritage? Or should you drop a shot in it and chug down a drink named after a heinous act of Irish domestic terrorism? Others around you may try to influence your decision, but be strong in your resolve; unless the bartender is Irish, in which case keep in mind that he’ll probably kick your face in if you order a car bomb.
Things may be looking grim, but remember to keep your eye(s) open; the opportunity for success is always just around the corner. Or at least it would be, if you didn't live in Baltimore. Time for another six pack.
(Top photo by Amy Davis/Baltimore Sun. Bottom photo by AFP/Getty Images)