Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: Which mascot wins?
I couldn't help but chuckle at some of the delicious- and repulsive-sounding meals that Owl Meat came up with for this week's Tipsy Tuesdays. Football + grilled mascot = awesome.
Here's OMG:
My sports expertise runs the gamut from A to B. That's why I invented a system for picking winners using mascots.
Red Sox versus White Sox? Red Sox win because when you wash them together the White Sox turn pink.
New Jersey Devils versus Penguins? Penguins don't believe in God and therefore not the Devil. Penguins win on an existential level. Play this with a sports fanatic and watch his head explode.
This week I adapted the game for tailgating. I crossed "Top Chef" with "Lord of the Flies" to create Top Mascot Tailgate Chef, where mascots go head to head ... on the grill. May the tastier mascot win ...
Note: No endangered species or mythological creatures were harmed, nor did any cannibalism occur while writing this.
Here are this week's picks:
Giants vs. Buccaneers – Barbecued giant ribs beat scurvy pirate. Think of the ribs that toppled Fred Flintstone's car. Yabba dabba delicious.
Falcons vs. Patriots – Nothing like falcon chowder with leeks and shiitake mushrooms and a Sam Adams on a crisp autumn day.
Titans vs. Jets – You can't eat a jet.
Chiefs vs. Eagles – Let's say it's farm-raised eagle. What could be more American? Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our national symbol. Would we have stopped eating turkey? No way. Fry like an eagle.
Packers vs. Rams – Hearty ram stew with parsnips and Guinness. Sláinte!
49ers vs. Vikings – Uh oh, the inevitable cannibalistic cook-off. Grizzled prospector versus well-fed Viking? By Thor's Hammer there is no question! Shots of aquavit all around. Skål.
Jaguars vs. Texans – Mayans revered the jaguar as a god who could cross between the worlds of the living and dead. Marinate overnight in a habanero tequila sauce. ¡Olé!
Browns vs. Ravens – Crispy cracklin' raven beats mangy mutt. Toss in wing sauce and quaff some Clipper City Gold Ales.
Bears vs. Seahawks – Bear is delicious, especially baby bear. Wash it down with a Gentle Ben: Bärenjäger, vodka and purple Drank. Prepare to hibernate until half-time.
Saints vs. Buffalo – Mmm ... wood-smoked Inquisition-style saints? I'm intrigued, but no, no ... buffalo burgers!
Dolphins vs. Chargers – I don't know what dolphin tastes like, but if people are banned from fishing it, someone thinks it's tasty. Can I get mine with foie gras?
Panthers vs. Cowboys – Are you ready for some ... grilled ... panther? Wash down your big cat grub with Clipper City Loose Cannons and crank up Pantera.
Steelers vs. Bengals – Tiger trumps grimy steel worker. Marinate in curry for kabobs, chug some IPA's, and blast "Eye of the Tiger."
Broncos vs. Raiders – Slow-cooked pulled-horse barbecue with Mickey's big mouths. Giddy-up.
Redskins vs. Lions – Bacon-wrapped lion fillets. It's the circle of life. Deal with it, Simba.
Colts vs. Cardinals – Ribs ribs ribs! Perilous because the ghost of Robert Irsay might steal it from your refrigerator in the middle of the night before the game. Down a bucket of spiteful Natty Bohs. Irsay!!!
(Photos by Getty Images)
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "
Comments
Buffalo's mascot is the "Bills"
Posted by: JD | September 22, 2009 10:39 AM
Actually their Mascot is Billy the Buffalo. They are named after Bill Cody.
Posted by: RC | September 22, 2009 11:01 AM
Mascots, nicknames, symbols ... I may have played a little loose with that. Nobody wants a Bill Burger, not even Mrs. Burger. Wikipedia says that the official mascot is Billy Buffalo. He sounds delicious, roaming the prairies of Buffalo NY. If you want to get technical, they're bison.
The Chargers now just use a lightning bolt, but once upon a time the logo was a horse with a lighting bolt, so I'm thinking of horse here. Besides nobody can eat lighting, except for Rocky Balboa who eats lightning and craps thunder.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gridiron | September 22, 2009 11:13 AM
this guy ate a cesna 150, not quite a jet, but you may have to rethink the titans/jets matchup http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michel_Lotito
Posted by: Sean | September 22, 2009 11:25 AM
Sean, d'oh! I'll bet a titan could eat a jet.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gridiron | September 22, 2009 11:28 AM
RC, good call. The team name is the Bills.
Posted by: JD | September 22, 2009 11:33 AM
"who eats lightning and craps thunder."
CHUCH NORRIS that's who. Get it straight buddy.
Posted by: Rube Goldberg | September 22, 2009 12:19 PM
Had it right. I've got the eye of the tiger:
"Your gonna eat lightning, and your gonna crap thunder!"
Mickey Goldmill [Burgess Meredith]
Rocky (1976)
Now i gotta go punch some beef.
Posted by: Owl Meat GoldenGloves | September 22, 2009 12:34 PM
Wow, I'm both hungry and slightly nauseous. Very funny.
Foie gras? Now you're just poking the bear, so to speak. I'm surprised that you don't have a PETA S.W.A.T. team on you like a monkey on a cupcake. Or the Vegan Vengeance squad, but they're usually too tired to fight. Or worse ... DISNEY! YOu don't mess with Disney.
Posted by: Amanda C | September 22, 2009 12:40 PM
Greatest ascot EVER!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/markwmann/bearsharktopus-e5y/
Posted by: bearsharktopus | September 22, 2009 1:21 PM
(In a menacing Homer Simpson voice)
I said, "Chuck Norris..."
Posted by: Rube Goldberg | September 22, 2009 3:29 PM
But who is the best to actually DO the tailgate cooking? A Cowboy? A Buccaneer? (Look up the bastardized French derivation of where the name "Buccaneers" comes from.) A (meat) Packer? A Dolphin? ...Eh, probably not the last one due to the water habitat and lack of hands and such. But who does the gameday cooking best?
Posted by: FHT | September 22, 2009 4:00 PM
FHT, I haven't thought that far ahead. My meds are starting to kick in, plus I chugged some Drank. Zzzzzz......
Posted by: Owl Meat Griller | September 22, 2009 4:20 PM
For extra irony the grilling should be done by someone in the appropriate mascot costume.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | September 22, 2009 4:39 PM
buccaneer
buc·ca·neer
Pronunciation: \ˌbə-kə-ˈnir\
Function: noun
Etymology: French boucanier woodsman, pirate (in the 17th century West Indies), from boucaner to smoke meat, from boucan wooden frame for smoking meat, from Tupi mokaʔẽ́, mbokaʔẽ́, from mo-, mbo- causative marker + kaʔẽ to be roasted, dried
Date: 1686
Someone who smokes his own meat?
Posted by: Anonymous | September 22, 2009 9:20 PM
Here is a good video on meat: http://meat.org
Posted by: adelia | September 23, 2009 1:06 AM
adelia, pardon me if I don't watch your PETA anti-meat barf-fest. I'm still waking up and looking forward to a meatilicious day.
It ain't a party without PETA! Woo hoo!
But first I'm going to shower with my new bacon soap. Oh yeah, bacon soap. It's like kryptonite for vegans.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gristle | September 23, 2009 8:36 AM
Due to tech limits (you can only have one link per comment) I need to add a P.S. to PETA. I'm also wearing my bacon-scented tuxedo today for extra sexy carnivoraciousness. Grrrrr.....
And now I hope we hear from the GADL, the Giant Anti-Defamation League
Posted by: Owl Meat GQ | September 23, 2009 8:42 AM
Here's a better video adele.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJu8RreAGnM
Back when men were men and dominated Nature as God intended, including the dinosaurs
Posted by: yabba dabba | September 23, 2009 9:47 AM
Hey bearsharktopus,
I think this is the greatest ascot ever
Posted by: TheBeav | September 23, 2009 11:57 AM
Ooooooo, lovely ascot, if somehow poorly arranged. I don't know why you colonials haven't incorporated this elegant style into your Casual Fridays and such. I suppose because they clash with your Crocs and mesh tee shirts. Sigh.
Posted by: Lord Marmalade | September 23, 2009 12:17 PM
Lions and tigers and bears ... All won!
Update: If we exclude the Jets game (you can't eat a jet), I picked the winning team 10 out of 15 games. Ridonculous.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gridiron | September 29, 2009 10:01 AM