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September 29, 2009

Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays: 'Toy Story' meets 'Barfly'

bar warsWhat happens after last call? Owl Meat has a few ideas. Here he is:

This was inspired by witnessing an older man order a Pink Squirrel for himself at a bar. Sometimes we judge people by what they drink, sometimes unfairly. Seriously dude, a Pink Squirrel? Sadly, I had to tell the bartender how to make it (light cream, white crème de cacao, crème de noyaux).

Jim Beam: Whatcha doin' here, Pink Squirrel?

Pink Squirrel: Someone finally ordered me last night. I've been so lonely, Jimmy.

Jack Daniels: Put a cork in it. No one wants to hear your belly-aching, you has-been girlie drink. Back in your corner ...

Pink Squirrel: Hate crime! Hate crime!

Jim Beam: Easy, Jack. He's been playing canasta with Grasshopper for three years.
 
Appletini: You go girl! Stand tall.
 
Martini: Oh great, a "menu martooni" heard from.

Appletini: Why can't you accept that we're all martinis now and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect?

Martini: You make me sick. I would set you on fire, but you're too light in the liquors.
 
Gibson: Jiminy cricket! Let's put some old school hurt on them.
 
Cosmo: Yay, Appletini, stand strong sister-wife. Our day has come. You old guys are just jealous.
 
Jim Beam: Hey Cosmo, if you love him so much, why doncha marry him.
 
Pink Squirrel: Hate crime! Hate crime!
 
Cocktail Onion: Good one, Jimmy, good one.
 
Frangelico: If I may interject, perhaps we could all form a circle and share our feelings more calmly. After all, we are all brothers under One Bar and ...
 
Jack Daniels: Kill him, kill the freakin' monk! Stomp him.
 
Old Grand-Dad: Monk? I thought it was a broad in a bathrobe.
 
Frangelico: If I may continue ....
 
Old Grand-Dad: Let's put a bourbon hurt on him. Give him the ole Cincinnati one-two.
 
Maker's Mark: Attica! Attica!
 
Jim Beam: Bourbons, man up, we're taking back the bar.
 
Bay Breeze: Really fellas, how about we chill like a polar bear ... wha ...  Aaaaaaaaaa ... not the face, not the face. Oh my Bar, stop, please stop, you're bruising my delicate fruity thirst-quenchability ... EEeeeee-AAAAaaaaaaa......
 
Blender: Don't make me get into this. I will destroy you!
 
Piña Colada: Destroy me, destroy me! Blend me like a m@#*^*#^*.
 
Long Island Iced Tea: Listen up losers, I am gin, rum, vodka, and tequila, the most potent potable ...
 
Jack Daniels: [interrupts] and triple sec, sour mix, and Coke. Want a pretty paper umbrella for yourself, big guy?
 
Long Island Iced Tea: Whaaat?
 
Jack Daniels: You heard me, fancy pants.
 
The Muddler: They call me The Muddler. I am here to restore order or something. I'm not sure. Where am I?
 
Old Fashioned: Smash me, Muddler. Crush my fruit and get the juices flowing. Without you I'm nothing. Lay down some truncheon lovin'.
 
Tom Collins: Come on, we're gonna get into trouble. Simmer down.
 
Jack Daniels: Shut yer ice hole, Old School.
 
Chambord: Here they come. Eez almose time for 'Appy Hour. Retreat! Retreat! Every man for him's self!
 
Jim Beam: This ain't over. Now get in your glasses and do your freakin' jobs.
 
The Muddler: Where are my keys?
 
Canadian Club: O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts ...
 
Pink Squirrel: USA! USA! AAAaaaaaaa... take that you smooth blended bastard! Feel the pain, America Junior.
 
Crown Royal: Hate crime, eh. Ow, that's gonna leave a mark.
 
Pink Squirrel: Here's my foot up your Canadian bacon! Miyagi!!!
 
Jack Daniels: [sighs] Leave it to a squirrel to do a man's job. 

(Photo by Getty Images)


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Posted by Sam Sessa at 8:13 AM | | Comments (5)
Categories: Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays
        

Comments

masterful mash-up!

Mon dieu! Why do you enfury me, Sam Sessa? With you;re bassless attacks on my glorious citizens of France? I am seeing you at your dance party and my challege is a duel of wit or lite sabres, you're procliviteé!. En garde Sessa! Csan you guess my costumerie? We will be seen. Whooooooosssshhhh.................

Owl Meat Gimlet, I never thought of cocktails as having such sparkling personalities.

You know, Owlie...I think you have w-a-a-y to much time on your hands. That being said, I love it!!! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. When you were trying to explain this post to me you just didn't do it justice. Too funny!

Has anyone ev er wanted to dtab the old hag sittting next to them in the bar...there is no way any jury would convict em...the only real question is what damages am i entitled to for her being an old hag

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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