Tipsy Tuesday: You know you're a bad bartender when ...
This week, Owl Meat Gravy tackles one of the saddest (but truest) parts of Baltimore's nightlife scene: the service. I'm actually not surprised that most of these examples are based on real life experiences. Take it away, OMG:
How do you know if you're a bad bartender? Here are 19 examples I have observed:
1. You pick fruit flies out of a drink and then serve it. Extra points if you use your fingers.
2. You hate making frozen drinks, so you put a fork in the blender and destroy it.
3. You badger me to help you study for your biology test. More drinks, fewer flash cards.
4. You ask a customer if he wants to do a shot with you and then charge him for both drinks.
5. You whine about your problems. Hey, I had a tough day; I don't care that your girlfriend did a guy behind the Royal Farms in Highlandtown.
6. When someone asks for a Makers Mark neat you say, "Do you mean straight up?" Extra points for, "What?" ...
7. You knock off shots of Grand Marnier by ducking down behind the bar.
8. They get an Island Oasis machine for frozen drinks. You can't destroy it, because they will bring replacement parts. Your solution? 86 all frozen drinks on the computer for months.
9. You go out for a "smoke" break, come back, and sit down at the bar because you forgot you were working.
10. You show up for your shift wasted and get sent home. You pass out for a few hours, notice you are dressed for work, and go back. You get sent home again and your new nickname is Bobby Two-Times.
12. You don't care how to make a Singapore Sling, Zombie, Flaming Moe, or Tickle Me Elmo, so you use the same recipe: vodka, pineapple juice and grenadine with a cherry and an orange slice. Your motto is, "Throw some stuff in a glass and make it red."
12. You buy girls shots and tell them it's called a Man Gravy ... after they chug.
13. You drink so much Sambuca Romana that you have to replace it with a cheap knockoff from the liquor store ... which you drink too.
14. You kill flies around the bar with a fly swatter while people are eating.
15. You think that nobody will notice how drunk you are, because you drink peppermint schnapps.
16. Your friends' tab is five dollars and their credit card slip has a twenty dollar tip. Duh.
17. You try to take a nap on the beer cooler behind the bar.
18. You serve cocktails on the rocks in a snifter because it's "classy".
19. You're drunker than your customers.
Some of these are good or bad depending upon whether you are the customer or the owner. Why would I hang in such dysfunctional places? Other people's dysfunction is fun. Plus, you get great stories to put in a bar blog later.
I have to add that none of these examples were observed in places that I currently frequent and almost all of the bartenders have moved on to other careers. All the bartenders I know now are the most excellent people who ever walked the Earth.
(Photos by Getty Images)
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "
Comments
I've seen a lot worse, but I've left out anything for which the statute of limitations may not have run out.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | July 28, 2009 10:06 AM
You can't bother interupting your personal conversations with friends in order to wait on the customers (i.e: little havana).
Posted by: pigtown | July 28, 2009 11:22 AM
Hey, why you using my picture up there?
Posted by: Waylon Thurgmungen | July 28, 2009 11:39 AM
Good list Owl,
I've seen some of those things happen as well.
Posted by: PCB Rob | July 28, 2009 11:44 AM
too busy hitting on the new waitress to boither with you
Posted by: ceramic kitty | July 28, 2009 12:29 PM
Open wine bottles. I asked a bartender why all the wines by the glass bottles were without corks. She said that wine doesn't go bad in a day if it's open. I assume that they don't throw out th unused portion, so her "day" might be 24 horus or more. Yuck.
Do you know of any places in Baltimore that have one of those wine delivery systems that keep air out of the bottles? I don't know what they are called. I've seen them in NY and Georgetown and the wine is so much better that way
Posted by: wine cat | July 28, 2009 12:35 PM
You only look straight in front of you and NEVER acknowledge that there may be other customers at the other end of the bat.
Posted by: Phyllis | July 28, 2009 12:40 PM
You work at Golden West
Posted by: Chris | July 28, 2009 12:44 PM
i dig my o's but come on, i dig them with pound of beer even more. the tv is for us not you's. enuff tv hypnosis. beer me!
Posted by: o ho | July 28, 2009 12:47 PM
You work at Golden West
Tee hee hee. I thought GW had the greatest bar and bartender in the world? I guess their bartender or owner must have poisted that.
Posted by: boxy | July 28, 2009 1:05 PM
Ah Owlie, thanks for writing my memoirs. I'm amazed that we both remember living on each side of that bar. ABSOLUTELY!!
Posted by: Sparky | July 28, 2009 1:06 PM
Number 4 is absolutely inappropriate. The others are just in bad taste.
Posted by: Mike | July 28, 2009 1:29 PM
Telling me that I really don't want to get rail vodka and making that puhh sound because it's no good. shut up you jerkwad
Posted by: xtramuch207 | July 28, 2009 1:35 PM
Number 4 is absolutely inappropriate. The others are just in bad taste.
It's not a training guide.
Reality is never in bad taste.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | July 28, 2009 1:44 PM
OMG forgot one of the newer yet most annoying traits a bartender can have. Texting or talking on his/her cellphone.
Posted by: chris g | July 28, 2009 2:24 PM
I left out a few to give you some room to comment. Yes, I have been talking to a bartender on several occasions while he texts someone. I stop talking when I realize what he's doing and he got all irate ... yeah, go on, I'm listening...
grrr....
At some places, it's like they deal with the customers in between watching TV, talking o the phone, texting, smoking, eating, talking to their friends at the bar, and hitting on other employees. It's more common than you would think.
A lot of places forbid their servers and barenders from using their cell phones while they are working, but they constantly cheat and sneak a look as often as possible even though it could get them fired. It's an addiciton for some.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | July 28, 2009 2:37 PM
Owlie, I love Mr. Smarmy. He had me at Open-Mouth-With-Tongue-Wink. He didn't even need the garnish.
Posted by: *◄:o)╥╥~YumPorchetta | July 28, 2009 2:44 PM
Great YumPo. I'm working on my Open-Mouth-With-Tongue-Wink, just in case I ever run into you. ;-P
I didn't manipulate the photo at all. That's why I am in awe of Mr. Smarmy's ability to defy gravity as he tilts the drink.
Posted by: Owl Meat GazeOfGlory | July 28, 2009 3:48 PM
I just realized Mr. Smarmy resembles someone who works with me. Oh hell -- now I'll be casting flirtatious glances his way during meetings, hoping he'll charm me with The Look (it's more likely the only response I'll get will be snores as he dozes in a chair, drool trailing from the corner of his mouth).
Posted by: *◄:o)╥╥~YumPorchetta | July 28, 2009 5:26 PM
Oh Owlie, everything tastes better in a snifter. Some day I want to build a house that's shaped like a giant snifter. Classy living.
Posted by: ~╥╥☺◄TerrierGirl►☺╥╥~ | July 28, 2009 5:43 PM
When you look like that guy in the picture... That drink can't be any good. Even if it is gravity defying...
Posted by: The Artist FKA CantonKate | July 28, 2009 5:47 PM
The garnish is sickening
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | July 28, 2009 7:11 PM
I had no.9 happen to me at the Harmar Tavern in Marietta, Ohio. It was with a waitress, however, not a bartender. She just stopped coming around my table, so I went looking for her. Eventually I found her at the bar having a drink, a smoke and a sandwich.
I would like to say that I stopped going there, but the Harmar Tavern is home to the "Sure to be World Famous Fried Bologna Sandwich". I'm not going to let a little thing like bad service keep me from enjoying such fine cuisine.
Posted by: Robert of Cross Keys | July 28, 2009 10:08 PM
Number 4 is why we stopped going to Lager's. Who am I kidding there were 500 reasons we stopped going there.
Posted by: Casper | July 29, 2009 9:45 AM
You stopped going to Lagers? But it's so sexy in there!
Posted by: TAFKA CantonKate | July 29, 2009 10:18 AM
That happened to you at Lager's? I found it hard to believe anybody would do that anywhere. If a bartender asks me if I want to do a shot with him, I wouold assume he's buying me a shot, not asking me to buy him one. That's wrong on so many levels.
Some of the items on the list are just funny if you're in the right kind of bar. It gives the place character. Unlike the time I watched a bartender do a heroin nod while standing up. He actually fell asleep several times. While pathetic it amusingg at the time, but I prefer not to know that mmy bartender is a junkie.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | July 29, 2009 10:40 AM
That dude in the picture looks like he went to bartender's school. they are such weenies
Posted by: pablo | July 29, 2009 10:47 AM
Bar turn-offs:
1) HIgh fiving. Do I look like your frat bro?
2) "You rock". Once a phrase gets co-opted by Rosie O'Donnell stop using immediately.
3) Aggressive up-selling. I ordered a vodka and tonic once and he bartender asked, "Do you have a preference for the vodka". I said No. She found he most expensive vodka on the bar. When I got the bill I was furious. To me, no preference means rail, not dealer's choice.
4) I once asked a bartender in a nice restaurant lounge how one wine compared to another. Is it dry? for example. He laughed and said "I don't know. I've never tasted wine." He did tell me that he graduated from the Bartender's Academy with flying colors. Bravo. A bartender that does not drink is weird. I understand bartenders that don't dirnk anymore, that's fine. But why go into an occupation like that. Plus it makes customers weird awkward.
5) Personal questions. I just got off of work dude. I do not want to tell you about my job.
Posted by: Amanda C | July 29, 2009 11:01 AM
Amanda C. I think I love you. This high-five thing has got to stop. It's like dude, you don't have to remind me you're a heterosexual, I can tell by your clothes. The only thing I hate more is the fist kiss. What the hell is that all about? "Let's kiss with our fists since we can't use our lips in public".
As far as "You Rock" or "It Rocks" or any other variation on the "rock" word, it has made me gag since the first time I heard it. The only things that should possibly "rock" are a good song, a ship, and a cradle. Let's just drop the misuse of the phrase, and let's leave it at that.
The most annoying thing to me is when a bartender is so busy talking to his friends at the other end of the bar that he doesn't see you are ready for a drink. It's a JOB dude! It is not your social hour, it's mine. Get to work, this isn't a party for you.
The one other thing that kills me was stated before, that being when the bartender says "Hey wanna do a shot?" and then your shot ends up on your bill. I just cannot figure that one out.
Posted by: johnnycat | July 29, 2009 1:02 PM
Love ya right back johnnycat.
I've never heard of the paying for both shots thing. That's like stealing. Imagine a world where someone offers you something and you have to ask if he's screwing you over. Most unplesant.
I won't even get into "feeding the chicken" or kaboom-hand. ;-)
Posted by: Amanda C | July 29, 2009 1:28 PM
They put eye drops in your drink!!!!
Ask you to order something easier to make because they are tired...
Use an off brand of coffee liqueur instead of Kahlua because it is cheaper.
Picks the nose, then makes your drink...
Takes forever to take your order because they don't like the way you look.!!!!
Posted by: Pepe | July 30, 2009 10:50 AM
Hi Amanda C.! What the hell is "feeding the chicken" or kaboom-hand? God they sound retarded. I'm sure they'll be using them a lot at the new Mount Vernon Sports Bar (barf) which is a total oxymoron in itself. What are they gonna show on the TV's? Golden Girls, Sex in the City and Project Runway?
Posted by: johnnycat | July 30, 2009 12:18 PM
There are 2 #12's on this list and no #11. I'm assuming not being able to count and poor proof reading are also bad for a bartender. This thread will be out of business in 6 months.
Posted by: Nick O | July 30, 2009 12:49 PM
This has been arouind for a while, I'm sure you've seen it on TV at least. Kaboom-hand (my term) is when one person holds out their open hand palm up and the other person acts like his hand is exploding on top of it.
Feed the chicken is similar but the second person uses his hand to act like a chicken pecking food off the first hand.
I can't believe I'm typing this, Five for me! Come on, don't leave me hangin' bro-ham.
At least the low five seems to have died.
Posted by: Amanda C | July 30, 2009 4:00 PM
Amanda,
My 17 year old cousin introduced me to the "hand hug" over the weekend. It's similar to the high five except it doesn't have to occur over your head. You would touch palms with another person and wrap your thumb around the back of the other person's hand. Goofy...i know.
Posted by: Cardwell | July 30, 2009 4:25 PM
Johnnycat, I'll have you know that some chairs rock. Not to mention hurricanes and lobsters.
Posted by: BA | July 30, 2009 4:41 PM
I think 1970s soul brother handshake is finally dead. Some of those were really complicated.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | July 30, 2009 5:36 PM
#12 is ironic for a man named Gravy. Perhaps YOU are the worst bartender in the world?
Posted by: Anonymous | August 1, 2009 2:26 PM