Tipsy Tuesday: You know you're a bad bartender when ...
This week, Owl Meat Gravy tackles one of the saddest (but truest) parts of Baltimore's nightlife scene: the service. I'm actually not surprised that most of these examples are based on real life experiences. Take it away, OMG:
How do you know if you're a bad bartender? Here are 19 examples I have observed:
1. You pick fruit flies out of a drink and then serve it. Extra points if you use your fingers.
2. You hate making frozen drinks, so you put a fork in the blender and destroy it.
3. You badger me to help you study for your biology test. More drinks, fewer flash cards.
4. You ask a customer if he wants to do a shot with you and then charge him for both drinks.
5. You whine about your problems. Hey, I had a tough day; I don't care that your girlfriend did a guy behind the Royal Farms in Highlandtown.
6. When someone asks for a Makers Mark neat you say, "Do you mean straight up?" Extra points for, "What?" ...
7. You knock off shots of Grand Marnier by ducking down behind the bar.
8. They get an Island Oasis machine for frozen drinks. You can't destroy it, because they will bring replacement parts. Your solution? 86 all frozen drinks on the computer for months.
9. You go out for a "smoke" break, come back, and sit down at the bar because you forgot you were working.
10. You show up for your shift wasted and get sent home. You pass out for a few hours, notice you are dressed for work, and go back. You get sent home again and your new nickname is Bobby Two-Times.
12. You don't care how to make a Singapore Sling, Zombie, Flaming Moe, or Tickle Me Elmo, so you use the same recipe: vodka, pineapple juice and grenadine with a cherry and an orange slice. Your motto is, "Throw some stuff in a glass and make it red."
12. You buy girls shots and tell them it's called a Man Gravy ... after they chug.
13. You drink so much Sambuca Romana that you have to replace it with a cheap knockoff from the liquor store ... which you drink too.
14. You kill flies around the bar with a fly swatter while people are eating.
15. You think that nobody will notice how drunk you are, because you drink peppermint schnapps.
16. Your friends' tab is five dollars and their credit card slip has a twenty dollar tip. Duh.
17. You try to take a nap on the beer cooler behind the bar.
18. You serve cocktails on the rocks in a snifter because it's "classy".
19. You're drunker than your customers.
Some of these are good or bad depending upon whether you are the customer or the owner. Why would I hang in such dysfunctional places? Other people's dysfunction is fun. Plus, you get great stories to put in a bar blog later.
I have to add that none of these examples were observed in places that I currently frequent and almost all of the bartenders have moved on to other careers. All the bartenders I know now are the most excellent people who ever walked the Earth.
(Photos by Getty Images)