What do the Somali pirates drink?
And now, dear readers, Owl Meat wonders just what's in the gullets of those Somali pirates we all know and hate:
Flashback to third grade ... the future promised personal jet packs, moving sidewalks and robot maids. No luck there.
But even an imaginative tyke like me didn't anticipate ... Future Pirates! And here we are, ankle-deep into a new century and the villains of the moment arrrr ... Somali pirates.
Arrr ... pirates.
In yore-like days, pirates roamed the seas in tricked-out square-riggers fueled by greed, rotten meat and grog.
The British Royal Navy kept these grog-swogglers in check with, as Winston Churchill said apocryphally, "Rum, sodomy and the lash."
What fuels modern Somali pirates with their souped-up dinghies, GPS's and Bat Rope conveyance systems?
Even if their business model is pure 18th-century, surely they don't get their pirate swerve going with grog. We can eliminate Captain Morgan from consideration, since he's got more flair than a Tim Gunn acid trip. People romanticize pirates, for example this Bright Eyes emo tribute. I'll never understand the allure of a fancy lad with poor depth perception.
These pirates dress like Somali donkey racers on a home-made sorghum wine bender. That can't be it. Something more modern and violent. My theory: Red Bull and tequila.
Judging by their lack of style and talent, I would guess that Cabo Wabo is their tequila of choice (Take that, Sammy Hagar). I think that if I threw back five or six Pirate Bombs, I might get some friends together and hijack a container ship or maybe an ice-cream truck.
If Red Bull and Sammy Hagar tequila are destroying the fabric of maritime commerce, then what are our counter-measures? Some might say that my life is far too influenced by Bill Murray movies. I say we fight pirates Steve Zissou style: Campari (his drink of choice), red watch caps, Speedos and Glocks blazing while The Stooges' "Search and Destroy" blasts from the speakers on deck.
That's right. Campari kills pirates. And in a perfect world, Bill Murray shoots Sammy Hagar and throws him off the poop deck.
Have I gone too far? Maybe, but that's just the righteous sword of Campari talking. Mmm... refreshing.
(Photo by Getty Images)
Categories: Bars & Clubs, Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays
I've been The Baltimore Sun's nightlife and local entertainment reporter for a couple years, and it's surprising how much the scene has grown in that time. Most of Baltimore's bars and clubs are unpretentious places with fairly cheap drinks and plenty of character. I like dancing and think this city needs more clubs, but nothing beats having a cold, locally brewed beer with friends in a comfortably full corner bar.
Comments
I've never met Sam Sessa, and he's probably a good dude, but the fact that the Sun laid off so many good, talented people and insists on keeping a 'nightlife/bars' beat tells me how completely out of whack the Sun's priorities are. No wonder the paper is on the fast track to ruin ... Just embarrassing decisions one after another on Calvert Street.
Posted by: WillBillFan | May 1, 2009 8:26 AM
On your meds or off today OMG? Grog-swogglers? Nice.
Posted by: Julie | May 1, 2009 9:02 AM
sounds like someone just got back from an overnight bender, because of a shark killing their best friend.
Posted by: Allan | May 1, 2009 9:46 AM
Bright Eyes pirate emo tribute link here.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 1, 2009 10:01 AM
I did read somewhere that the Somali Pirates blare "I Can't Drive 55" to disorient the sailors while they stormed the vessels.
OT, everytime I hear the word "vessel" I hear and picture Scotty from Star Trek saying.."I don't know how much more the vessel can take Captain!"
Posted by: Skippy | May 1, 2009 10:05 AM
Nice link to Privateer the Good Admiral McIntyre. Arrrrrrrr.......
Where is the Bright Eyes tribute? Bright Eyes? What the ...?
I love to start my day with pirates. Thanks Captain Gravy whoever you arrr.
Posted by: jen | May 1, 2009 10:41 AM
When ever you can quote Steve Zissou is is a good day. Arrg. Jesus, now I want Campari. Bob when are we drinking again together?
Posted by: gal_pal Kiki | May 1, 2009 12:01 PM
insists on keeping a 'nightlife/bars' beat tells me how completely out of whack the Sun's priorities are.
Really? You come to his blog and say that kind of stuff? Let's see ... a blog that could attract younger consumers with disposable income... no that's not a market any publication would want to attract. Now walk the plank scurvy dog.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 1, 2009 12:18 PM
Sammy Hagar sucks!
What's the three stooges got to do with anything? You're MESSED UP
Posted by: dj | May 1, 2009 12:27 PM
WillBill, lighten up. If you want some serious discussion just go over to the Pro Wrestling blog.
Posted by: Skippy | May 1, 2009 12:27 PM
a fresh negroni would go over better in the heat than straight up campari
Posted by: Cheese | May 1, 2009 12:43 PM
Mmm... yeah it's almost Negroni weather. That's one awesome summer drink. A bit of an acquired taste for most I'll bet.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy B>) | May 1, 2009 12:54 PM
a fresh negroni would go over better in the heat than straight up campari
Not if you're fighting pirates! Then it's Campari on the rocks Steve Zissou style.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | May 1, 2009 12:57 PM
With all that is going on in the world, you have time to plant a GARDEN?!?!
Oops, wrong blog.
Posted by: RayRay | May 1, 2009 1:09 PM
I don't get it. Campari is disgusting and Somali pirates are murderers, this isn't a topic for your humour.
Posted by: CantonG | May 1, 2009 1:21 PM
LOL RayRay. That's hilarious. Inappropriate indignation award of the day. I was thinking, garden? What the hell?
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 1, 2009 1:27 PM
I gotta tell y'all...I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Post and comments.
WillBill - you have no idea how easy you got off.
Posted by: Bucky | May 1, 2009 8:04 PM
They probably don't drink that much at all. They just chew that kif weed, which is supposedly way better than the stuff we...heard about...when we were in Mombasa, Kenya.
I've enjoyed Owl's contributions to this blog, thanks!
Posted by: PCB Rob | May 1, 2009 10:13 PM
Right you are Bucky. Even my normally borderline-psychopathic (in a good way) buddy Skippy was uncommonly restrained with WillBill. What a [deleted]. Can I say that?
Editor's note: No.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 1, 2009 11:12 PM
what'd you do, erase all the comments from this afternoon? BOGUS! no dissent allowed?
Editor's note: No one had been monitoring comments for a few hours. I don't believe anything has been deleted. Also, Owl Meat is not monitoring the blog in Sam's absence; Sun people are. Give Sessa a break; he got married today. He'll be back soon enough. Patience, grasshopper ...
Posted by: Anonymous | May 2, 2009 12:28 AM
owl meat sucks, he bounced my comments today. bring back sessa!
Posted by: Anonymous | May 2, 2009 1:57 AM
You obviously don't know anything about high-end good tequila. Cabo is the #2 tequila in the nation right behind Patron. Are you even old enought to drink? You look like a 16 year old in your picture. Also you seem to be ignorant when it comes talented musicians. Sammy Hagar is an amazing vocal talent who is still rocking at the age of 61. Go see Chickenfoot, and then maybe you could make a more informed opinion about the Red Rocker.
Posted by: Ed Dubreuil | May 2, 2009 10:20 AM
I have nothing to do with the blog other than send posts to Sam and add my own comments. Everything else is a mystery to me.
You obviously don't know anything about high-end good tequila. Cabo is the #2 tequila in the nation right behind Patron. Are you even old enought to drink? You look like a 16 year old in your picture. Also you seem to be ignorant when it comes talented musicians. Sammy Hagar is an amazing vocal talent who is still rocking at the age of 61. Go see Chickenfoot, and then maybe you could make a more informed opinion about the Red Rocker.
Hey, mock me not Sam. We're different people, hence "guest poster".
Cabo is #2? Not sure what that actually means. When popularity equals quality then the best band in the world will be the Jonas Brothers, the best restaurant is McDonald's and the best component of air will be nitrogen. (I prefer oxygen)
In subjective matters, let's just disagree. I think of Sammy Hagar as the guy who ruined Van Halen. I thought he was a hack before VH and never changed my opinion. I' not alone on this.
I've had Cabo Wabo tequila and I don't think it's that good. My opinion.
Congrats to Sam. I didn't realize that today was the big day.
I would like to see Sammy rocking ... in a chair.
Banter. I love it.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 2, 2009 10:37 PM
Are you even old enought [sic] to drink? You look like a 16 year old in your picture.
You've found a picture of OMG? That's almost as believable as (1) Sammy Hagar being an "amazing vocal talent" and (2) Cabo Wabo being anything short of Motezuma's Revenge in a pretty bottle.
Posted by: Trouble | May 3, 2009 9:55 AM
Campari and soda on a hot day is a mighty good drink partly because nobody is going to slam Campari. Here's a question: what is in Campari? What IS that taste?
Posted by: thirstin' howl III | May 3, 2009 1:53 PM
There is only one picture of me on the internet and I DEFINITELY don't look old enough to drink.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 3, 2009 2:22 PM
Campari owns 80% of Cabo Wabo Tequila. Sam sold it last year. So your good drink and bad drink are made by the same company
Posted by: craig | May 3, 2009 10:23 PM
That's a funny coincidence, I knew Hagar sold it for a boatload of money. Maybe I somehow knew that Campari bought them. Weird. I like that. Good research craig.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 4, 2009 12:42 AM
I don't think I've ever been confused with Sammy Hagar until this post came along.
Posted by: Sam Sessa | May 7, 2009 11:20 AM