Pocketshots: My new squeeze
And just like that, I'm off on my honeymoon. Whoosh! Don't worry, though -- I've left you some great guest posts from some delightful guest commenters. Remember Owl Meat Gravy? Here he is:
I was sitting at my desk squirting Purell directly into my mouth on Monday morning when I caught my reflection in the computer monitor. "What am I doing?" I said to myself.
Like a message from God, a voice inside me said, "This would be better if it tasted like tequila instead of potpourri." If only there was a way to sanitize my hands and get my gel swerve crankin' too. Reason number 637 of why America is great: PocketShots.
PocketShots are 50 ml (1.7 oz.) squeeze packets of alcohol gel preferred by discerning ladies in ill-fitting tube tops everywhere. The container looks like the worst (best) tiny IV bag ever. They contain 80 proof alcohol as gin, vodka, rum, tequila or "Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey Aged Four Years."...
Ads for PocketShots imply that the best way to consume it is to squeeze it onto the taut tanned belly of a supine nymphomaniac. Why gel? It's difficult to make a Cuba Libre with rum goo. I think the gel form might be quite filling, judging by an ad where the young lady has to open the top of her jeans. Just like after Thanksgiving dinner on the Rock of Love skank wagon.
Here's a great use for PocketShots. You know the angry woman near the Xerox machine at the office who hates Gypsies and has mild OCD? Yeah, Bridget. Replace the contents of her Purell with PocketShots. New office nickname: Gin Fingers.
The company claims that it is "perfect for active activities, outdoor adventures, and glass restricting venues." Outdoor adventures? Yeah, like getting drunk in the parking lot behind Arby's.
Sadly, PocketShots are not available in Maryland. The next time I'm in Delaware or Idaho I will be stocking up on them, because my on-the-go lifestyle demands it.
Where else can you get "Squishable pleasure?"
(Photo courtesy of Pocketshots)
Categories: Bars & Clubs, Drink-ology, Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays, Random stuff
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "
Comments
i wantogo to there
Posted by: Allan | May 15, 2009 9:23 AM
America – what a country.
Posted by: bazinga | May 15, 2009 9:47 AM
If only they could make their ads a litte sexier.
Posted by: stan | May 15, 2009 10:02 AM
One time I accidentally grabbed one of these instead of a Ranch dressing packet.
That was the first time I chugged a salad.
Posted by: Evan (the other one) | May 15, 2009 12:18 PM
Hello. This is NOT appropriate for the Baltimore Sun website. Sam, why don't you get professional to write this while your at the ocean? The Sun has MANY good writers.
Posted by: Sue Hopper | May 15, 2009 1:33 PM
That's freakin' hilarious.
Posted by: karen johnson | May 16, 2009 8:21 AM
Sue Hopper ... is that you Mom?
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 16, 2009 12:38 PM
Hello? Is this, like, a 21st century party-line? "Hello, Velma, can you connect me with the Meat residence please?"
Owlie, I'm going to send you a buck, then you'll be a professional writer.
Good-bye.
Posted by: Bucky | May 16, 2009 12:44 PM
LMFAO. Great article. Tube tops? I think I see the market they're going for.
That was funny Evan. Now that's a salad I can get behind - more dressing bartender!
A guy at my office drank Purel on a dare. He lived.
Posted by: morebeer | May 16, 2009 3:04 PM
What? I don't know what Sue's problem is but this post is hilarious! How exactly is it inappropriate? It is a real product and the writers take on how it can be used in the office space is truly brilliant. Sue if you don't like the blog then just go away or maybe you object to nymphomaniacs and sex in general. Poor dear.
Posted by: gal_pal Kiki | May 16, 2009 3:12 PM
Sue Hopper ,
In case you haven't noticed, The Sun has been laying off its workforce right and left, so it isn't true that there are that MANY good writers still working there. As a result, when Sam and other bloggers take a vacation, they have to go out to recruit unpaid volunteers to cover them while they're gone.
Fortunately for us, Owl Meat Gravy and others have stepped up to the plate to fill the need. Perhaps a little appreciation is in order.
Posted by: Laura Lee | May 16, 2009 3:37 PM
To paraphrase Sgt. Hulka, Lighten up Hopper. This is a blog about Baltimore's bars, it is not as if Owlie is bringing his smut to something sacrosanct like the Gospel or the Wrestling blog.
Now, back to the topic. I've actually been carrying around the same pocket shot in my wallet since middle school. I'm just waiting for a special occasion to use it.
Posted by: Robert of Cross Keys | May 16, 2009 3:39 PM
Hey Evan, I think you may have stumbled upon a brilliant idea – Ranch dressing shots. Vodka + Ranch dressing = Awesome
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 16, 2009 3:57 PM
If only there was a Gospel wrestling blog. There's a wrestling blog?
Thanks all. I think Sue is just having separation anxiety from Sam.
Now I have to get back to the lab and work on Ranch Dressing Shots. Next up: 80 proof tequila nacho cheese sauce.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 16, 2009 5:11 PM
In all seriousness those are great for college sports games.
I discovered them on the west coast going to USC football games. You have fun before the game and then sneak a couple into the Coliseum, buy a lemonade and then do the spiked drink dance the rest of the way with the nearly nationwide collegiate ban on alcoholic beverages in their stadia (while looking the other way at Greek behavior but I digress).
GOOD times.
Posted by: Baltimore Beer Guy | May 17, 2009 1:01 AM
A stopgap between Pop Rocks and a hip flask while still being evironment friendly. Gotta love it!
Posted by: Stebbin | May 17, 2009 3:03 AM
Don't take it personally, Owlie. Methinks Ms. Hopper has a crush on Mr. Sessa. I'm not sure it's sunk in yet that he's off on his honeymoon...
Posted by: YumPorchetta*◄:o)╥╥~ | May 17, 2009 3:06 PM
Well, can't blame anyone for having a crush on Sam. He is dreamy.
Posted by: Robert of Cross Keys | May 17, 2009 4:44 PM
Great BBG. Someone who's actually experienced the magic of PocketShots. I understand the soft pouch of booze but I still don't get the gel part, unless it's just something fun.. Thanks for the input.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 17, 2009 10:03 PM
Great BBG. Someone who's actually experienced the magic of PocketShots. I understand the soft pouch of booze but I still don't get the gel part, unless it's just something fun.. Thanks for the input.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 17, 2009 10:03 PM
You might be right RoCK, he has a certain young Robert Micthum/Alan Ladd quality.
Yes YumPo, Ms. Hooper seems to think he's just down the ocean. Denial. Assuming that she's not actually Sam himself or perhaps Pierre found a spell checker.
OM loves conflict, you just encourage him with such scorn.
Posted by: VoodooPork <|:o) | May 17, 2009 10:12 PM