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April 29, 2009

"Two Jaeger bombs and a sippy cup, please"


Midnight Sun guest writer Owl Meat takes another look at kids and drinking in this hilarious post:

I think it's illegal for children to sit at a bar in Baltimore.

Nevertheless, I have been afflicted with the progeny of lazy parents who abandon their ill-fitting accessories at a restaurant bar to watch TV and inflict DDT-like buzz-kill on the adults there.

When the parents are particularly obnoxious, I might say to them, "I don't drink at your playground. Don't bring your kids to my bar."

You can't mess with the kids, though. However annoying, they are blameless.

But you can teach them some things that will keep their parents busy later. Here is a starter list of kinder-conversation starters ...

  • When I was a kid, I had a pony.  All my friends had ponies and we rode them to school.
  • Milk is made from white paint and glue.
  • Try to work the phrase "daddy's girlfriend" into dinner conversation as much as possible. It will crack him up.
  • Whenever you do something wrong at school, such as forget to do your homework, here is the phrase that pays: "Mommy drinks." It never gets old.

Parents: Maybe I'm not the best babysitter for your kids. So cough up some sitter cheddar or you might be explaining away some very unsavory behavior of the Easter Bunny at a donkey show in Oaxaca.

(Photo by Getty Images and OMG)

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Posted by Sam Sessa at 8:00 AM | | Comments (34)
Categories: Bars & Clubs, Owl Meat's Tipsy Tuesdays


Who is this? Where is the Sessa? Are you hiding frm teh little piggy flu Sam Sessa? This little piggly wenht oui oui oui all the ways to home.

Ha! I love it. I wonder what the actual laws are regarding minors at bars? It seems to vary depending on the place.

Good one Owl!

The bars in Hamilton used to say that kids had to be gone by 9pm.

I thought Reese Witherspoon settled this for all time in Sweet Home Alabama: "You've got a baby! ...In a bar."

Not that I saw Sweet Home Alabama. I swear.

Don't you judge me.

Pierre A,

Zut Alors, you've not been paying attention or reading regularly. He isn't hiding from the Flu but fortunely he's dodged a certain swine while attending to business elsewhere.


Similar story: Stopped by a liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine for a dinner party. Store was holding a wine tasting at the time. Yuppy couple w/children were there enjoying the festivities. Maybe a little too much? But that's ok because they bought scratch off lottery tickets for the kiddies to play with while they enjoyed the free samples. Stay Classy Severna Park!!

Scratch offs for the kids? Fantastic!

Isn't it weird that my suggestions show up as bullet points in my Opera RSS aggregator but no bullets here? Weird


I remember seeing a sign at a bar that read, "Any child left unattended will be given a shot of espresso and a free puppy!"

Most of us thought it was cute, some overly sensitive (IMO) parents rolled their you have to trade in sense of humor when your first baby is born?

why do some parents (and dog owners for that matter) insist we all need to love their little precious? Get your misbehaved honor-roll kid and dog out of my bar!


Ouch. Why so screamy, Sue?

What's not nice?


Yeah, K. Children suck!

"Get your misbehaved honor-roll kid and dog out of my bar!"

Be kind to the child and the canine companion, look who's dragging them around to places they probably wouldn't go to on their own, maybe ruinning their childhood while not being a good role model or teacher.

Sue Hopper ,

I think it should be abundantly clear that nice wasn't one of the primary objectives, still the deduction was quite logical.
Shields up!

"Sitter Cheddar" would make a good band name.

My dad used to take me to bars after his softball games when I was 4 or 5. I remember being bored and vaguely confused, which is pretty much how I feel now when I go to any bar in Towson.

I would like to take this time (and ignore my studying for a minute) to note that this is soooooooo much better then Tim Lumbers diatribe of nonsense and bad grammar. I personally have found all of Owl Meats stories entertaining and clever. Good choice Sam. When is the wedding btw?

I was going for funny, not nice. You can read some of my nice stuff on my blog Unicorn Hugs and Lollipop Kisses.

Are "nice" stories a requirement for posting here? Zut alors!

Very kind queen_colleen, thank you. It's nice to be appreciated even though I was all too happy to do it for the hand-written "Free Backrubs" coupon that Sam gave me.

It would be the happiest day of my life to see a band named "Sitter Cheddar" or even "Sitta Chedda".

Sue Hopper just misses Sam.

The sign you referenced, Neighbor, actually made me LOL at my desk. I love it.

Careful YumPo, you might summon Pierre with that kind of talk

i agree with owlmeat, but i think there's different levels of entertainment for bringing kids. if your kids are physically sitting at the bar with a shirley temple, making small talk with the bartender, that's kinda cute to be honest. if said children are running around, knocking into people in an already crowded place, then that's just no good.

however i think babies are fine, provided they know how to keep the lip on it. the level of hilarity for babies is exponentially higher than other kids. case in point, i was at Rocket to Venus for St. Patty's day this year, and I saw some guy come in after me with his baby in one of those front carrying chest straps. first off, the kid had absolutely NO IDEA what was going on, and looked about as drunk off his surroundings as i planned to get on Jameson. also the guy was drinking Boh out of a can, and every so often would put the can near his kids mouth, and lean his body back to make it seem like the kid was drinking. it was pretty funny. he'd also let the kid hold the empty beer can to let the bartender know he needed another. some might be disgusted, but i could see myself doing that in a few years.

Babies are funny, like puppies but less functional.

I think there's a certain age when it goes from being cute to being just annoying. Maybe two or three is funny because they are in that amusing mini-me stage. Once you have a bunch of 10-12 year olds filling the bar that changes the whole atmosphere. You have to watch what you say and their scintillating discussion of their soccer practice starts digging into your brain like those space worms from Star Trek.

There was a guy standing behind me in a bar recently who explained in great detail the history of communism to his son. It was so exciting.

Yeah, babies are funny unless they're crying because they look drunk anyway.

been to few bars in my sordid past, and have noticed a couple of things. 1. visual decorum is not always the best for child rearing, 2. verbal decorum is DEFINITELY not conducive to child rearing. 3. leaving a child at a bar while daddy (or mommy) throws back a few just somehow doesnt make me all warm and fuzzy.
if you just absolutely have to have a drink and can't find somewhere to "dump the kid" (heavy sarcasm intended) have a real problem. and it's not with the kid.

i've always thought that if i remembered what it was like as a baby, it must've seemed like i was drunk 24/7. EVERYTHING is interesting.


You had a fortunate, if not exceptional, childhood which most of us would love claim. I cannot remember anything more excruciating than sitting around listening to adults talk about things that didn't remotely concern us, like the strife of dealling with their difficult and oddball co-workers.
I now watch my nephews get quickly bored and antsy at family meals, especially those at restaurants, because the conversation just doesn't hold their interest, which taxes the patients of their parents.
I cannot imagine the average child being entertained more than fifteen minutes at a bar before starting to antagonize other adult patrons*, particularly if they become the dreaded, inconsolable crying child, which too many parents don‘t leave or at least take outside for duration.

* a fair number people, if they had children, are of they opinion that enduring these moments belongs to the past, not to be infringe upon the present by other people’s children.

Good point GDA. I've had some really funny conversations with little kids at bars but they were children of friends who worked in the restaurant. When that happened I treated them like adults and asked them what they did for a living, stupid stuff. You are so right, kids rightfully get bored when Dad is watching some game that he just bet the rent on.

i'd like to think everything would sound like a Far Side cartoon, when animals listen to people. "blah blah blah Change him blah blah blah blah go for a ride!"

Not as bad as when I used to see babies on the laps of someone in a bar with a beer and a cigarette.

Some b-atch told me to put my cigarette out once in a bar because it was bad for her little kid. You know what's bad for your kid? You! Take it somewhere else

Now Sam the baby in the bar is really BAD taste. Only a YANKEE from Balmore would do such an injustice to my old city.

I don't think you can call Baltimorons Yankees.

Why, that lad just wants a shandy, then he'll settle down.

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.

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