Tim Lumber: Jacked at Hammerjack's!
As promised, here is Tim Lumber's Midnight Sun debut:
If drinking whiskey was in the olympics, i would be the gold medalist! My background and upbringing is a perfect match for 80 proof old crow whiskey! Im the tat2'd, denture wearing writer straight from the Trailer Park! I will be writing this article drunk, so kick your feet up and pop open a beer!
Its time for a little Midnight Sun fun, I'm going to tell you some drinking stories....Tim Lumber style!
Im feeling the buzz,if your not drinking you will probably have no idea what I'm talking about! The drunker you get, the better this story will be! This is my first career article, one day this story will be put in the Writers Hall of Fame! My drunken writing style is like a frying pan,the more i write the more things begin to heat up!
On my 21st Birthday,my friends took me to the old Hammer Jacks for a Lords of Acid (pictured) concert! After i got drunk they told me to come out into the mosh pit! I thought i was crazy, in the first 15 seconds, some guy grabs me by the shirt and says Happy Birthday! Apparently my friends told this pyscho it was my birthday! ...
Well after he grabs my shirt, he head butts me! Its bad enough I'm drunk, but now my glasses are broken in half, and my head is busted open!
Later that night they take me out to Denny's with a birthday cake! If my night wasnt bad already, the people in the restaurant start singing Happy Birthday to me! Then to top it off some little girl behind me asks her mom...what happened to that guys face? The mom says i dont know,maybe he got into a fight! And you thought your 21st birthday was bad!
On the good days when Im drunk I like doing the Robot Walk in the bars! I am the self proclaimed champion of the robot walk, i have a open challenge to anyone in America, if any one thinks there good enough...Step Up and Get Served!!!!
By Tim Lumber
I've been The Baltimore Sun's nightlife and local entertainment reporter for a couple years, and it's surprising how much the scene has grown in that time. Most of Baltimore's bars and clubs are unpretentious places with fairly cheap drinks and plenty of character. I like dancing and think this city needs more clubs, but nothing beats having a cold, locally brewed beer with friends in a comfortably full corner bar.
Comments
Am I being punished?
Posted by: AC-M | January 12, 2009 10:41 AM
I picture Andrew WK yelling that story at me while I'm tied down to a chair.
Posted by: NR | January 12, 2009 11:01 AM
Wow. I am speechless.
Posted by: Drew from Greektown | January 12, 2009 11:04 AM
I would definitely pay $10 to see You Got Served 3: Robot Walkoff Edition
Also I'm inspired as well and have decided to start ending every sentence with an exclamation point! It would more than likely increase my chances of getting hired at a new job if every line on my resume had one! It also makes just about any sentence sound really happy!
My dog died last night!
I have a chronically spastic colon!
Wow, it works with just about everything!
Posted by: Evan | January 12, 2009 11:07 AM
I second your inquiry.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 11:37 AM
Hey Evan! I think you should learn how to use a comma first, then you can move on to exclamation points.
Posted by: Pat | January 12, 2009 11:37 AM
Thanks Pat! I will! Is there a class available at the learning annex?!?!
Posted by: Evan | January 12, 2009 11:55 AM
Maybe you should speak with your guidance counselor.
Posted by: Pat | January 12, 2009 12:28 PM
Um...I...is this...oh nevermind.
I demand the two minutes I spent reading this back. I will accept them in seconds or whole minutes, I just want them back!
Posted by: Kurt | January 12, 2009 12:41 PM
If the collective DNA of Charles Bukowski, e.e. cummings, and Wild Bill Hagy were mixed in a laboratory then used to artificially inseminate Lisa Lampinelli, Tim Lumber would be the result. Don't listen to the haters, Timber. Faulkner had his critics, too.
Posted by: M.M. McDermott | January 12, 2009 1:09 PM
I actually saw Lords of Acid at Hammerjacks when I was in high school, and I cannot believe my parents let me go to that show. It was absolutely insane, their stage antics are a total blowout. Definitely not something an impressionable mind should see to be sure.
Voodoo U is still one of the most kickass albums of all time, if you're into that sort of music. Good GOD those guys are perverts.
Posted by: Evan | January 12, 2009 1:24 PM
Tim Lumber,
Is objective to be the Midnight Sun's Hunter S. Thompson type Gonzo journalist to play counterpoint to Sam?
Pat,
Do you want Evan's posts to become commatose?
Posted by: GDA | January 12, 2009 1:31 PM
Hey, Pat! Slow day? Correcting punctuation in a comment forum is tacky and pretentiousness.
Before you rip on someone else's comma usage, how about making sure you're applying the rules correctly? Standard practice is to use a comma when you directly address someone.
Like this, Pat.
Considering the interest you take in writing mechanics here, I figured you should know.
Posted by: M.M. McDermott | January 12, 2009 1:48 PM
For the record I was emulating Tim's exuberant and endearing.... style? with my post. Sorry if that subtle nuance was not apparent to some.
Posted by: Evan | January 12, 2009 2:05 PM
Yes, correcting punctuation in a comment is tacky. That's exactly my point.
Posted by: Pat | January 12, 2009 2:30 PM
sam, you should have a live reading of some of the best posts/comments (by the commentor preferably). Do it @ Wind-up. Gutter will co-sponsor.
Posted by: J.M. Giordano | January 12, 2009 2:48 PM
Joe, that's a great idea. I'm going to have to take you up on this.
Anybody else agree?
Posted by: Sam Sessa | January 12, 2009 2:57 PM
I agree, and think that there should be theatrical representation as well, if possible.
Who is Chris Sligh?
Posted by: CantonKate | January 12, 2009 3:26 PM
Exactly.
Posted by: Sam Sessa | January 12, 2009 3:28 PM
Pat with the DOUBLE ICE BURN! Well done, sir or ma'am.
Live post reading would be electrifying, reminds me of the guy that read his articles about dogs at Charlotte's (RIP sniffle).
Posted by: Evan | January 12, 2009 3:42 PM
While Evan's posts continue to be hounded with subtle, if not ellusive, nuance not apparent to some.
The notion of a live reading of most of these posts would necessiate the serving of refreshments from Brewer's Art to attract the discerning audience which they truly deserve.
Posted by: GDA | January 12, 2009 5:07 PM
Is this Tim Lumber guy even real, or is this a Sessa practical joke?
Cuz this made me laugh with the exclamation point barrage.
Posted by: jmw | January 12, 2009 7:08 PM
Wow!!!
Posted by: Buffie | January 12, 2009 11:14 PM
Evan thank you once again! Yeah i think Sam Sessa should do a yearly Robot Walking Contest! The more i drink the better I get! M.M. McDermott,thank you so much for visiting the site! If you all didnt know M.M. is a very accomplished writer, actually one of my favorite all time! Sam Sessa,thank you for this opportunity! Drew from greektown, you the man! jmw,GDA,cantoncake,J.M., Kurt, Pat,NR, anonymous,thank you! And AC-M eventually i will win your support!
Posted by: Tim Lumber | January 13, 2009 12:08 AM
Several people want to know if I am real! I would recomend e-mailing Unsolved Mysteries(not sure if that old guy who hosted the show is alive!) We will leave that chapter out of this book, and call it a mystery! Is there actually a writer named Tim Lumber? Am i real? Hopefully one day before you die, you will find the Truth out!!!!!
Posted by: Tim Lumber | January 13, 2009 1:50 AM
jmw,
My question and answer:
Tim(ber) Lumber?
Is this a real person or a Sessa alter ego with a punny name?
Inquiring minds wanna know!
Posted by: GDA | January 11, 2009 3:39 PM
Hey GDA,
As far as I know, Tim is a real person -- not one of my alter egos. His first column will post today.
Posted by: Sam Sessa | January 12, 2009 8:25 AM
Posted by: GDA | January 13, 2009 8:45 AM
tim, for the love of the beer gods, please show up to the next Mid Night Sun shindi....it's a shindig right? bah, show up. let's drink.
Posted by: Allan | January 13, 2009 11:28 AM
So, in trying to do my due diligence on Tim Lumber, I came across a curios link that I won't repost, of this Midnight Sun entry on the website for another Baltimore paper.
Sam Sessa, Moonlighting Blogger for the other paper? I want to find the Truth out!!!!!
Posted by: Brad | January 13, 2009 5:20 PM
Allan, i pray to the beer gods every night! I will have to find out next time I talk to Sam about this Midnight Sun shindi. I will deffiently be there! You can count me in! It sounds like alot of fun! 1st beers on me!
Posted by: Tim Lumber | January 14, 2009 1:17 AM
Brad you got the makings of a World Class detective, you should get the leading role for the upcoming movie X-Files 3!! Theres only one website to be...and that is the Midnight Sun! This site has the best readers in the world!! You are 2nd to none!!!
Posted by: Tim Lumber | January 14, 2009 12:25 PM
Robert Stack who hosted Unsolved Mysteries died 14 May 2003,
Shindig refers to any sort of clever party, covered dish gathering, box social, (archaic) a brawl. Also it can refer to a dance party with lots of music.
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shindig
Posted by: GDA | January 14, 2009 12:48 PM
Hey GDA you and Evan are going to have to take a Ouija Board to Robert Stack's(unsolved mystery host) gravesite! I would recomend bringing a camera crew, because thats gonna be one good reality show! Im going to be sitting home drinking a 6 pack of beer! Thats what I call must see T.V.!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Tim Lumber | January 14, 2009 9:22 PM
Tim Lumber,
For the Robert Stack adventure/exploit, which show do you favor,
Ghost Hunters: http://www.scifi.com/ghosthunters/
Ghost Adventures: http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Ghost_Adventures/
Paranormal State: http://www.aetv.com/paranormal-state/
I think fair number people including Allan’s choice would be:
Mythbusters: http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/mythbusters/mythbusters.html
What would be great if it was still on:
Dead Famous - Ghostly Encounters: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Famous_(TV)
Posted by: GDA | January 19, 2009 11:27 AM
GDA i like the viewable comments! Its a tough call but i would say Paranormal State! I liked that Mythbuster show when they debunked the Escape from Alcatraz life jackets!
Posted by: Tim Lumber | January 19, 2009 1:08 PM