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January 12, 2009

Tim Lumber: Jacked at Hammerjack's!

lords of acid

As promised, here is Tim Lumber's Midnight Sun debut:

If drinking whiskey was in the olympics, i would be the gold medalist! My background and upbringing is a perfect match for 80 proof old crow whiskey! Im the tat2'd, denture wearing writer straight from the Trailer Park! I will be writing this article drunk, so kick your feet up and pop open a beer!

Its time for a little Midnight Sun fun, I'm going to tell you some drinking stories....Tim Lumber style!

Im feeling the buzz,if your not drinking you will probably have no idea what I'm talking about! The drunker you get, the better this story will be! This is my first career article, one day this story will be put in the Writers Hall of Fame! My drunken writing style is like a frying pan,the more i write the more things begin to heat up! 

On my 21st Birthday,my friends took me to the old Hammer Jacks for a Lords of Acid (pictured) concert! After i got drunk they told me to come out into the mosh pit! I thought i was crazy, in the first 15 seconds, some guy grabs me by the shirt and says Happy Birthday! Apparently my friends told this pyscho it was my birthday! ...

Well after he grabs my shirt, he head butts me! Its bad enough I'm drunk, but now my glasses are broken in half, and my head is busted open!

Later that night they take me out to Denny's with a birthday cake! If my night wasnt bad already, the people in the restaurant start singing Happy Birthday to me! Then to top it off some little girl behind me asks her mom...what happened to that guys face? The mom says i dont know,maybe he got into a fight! And you thought your 21st birthday was bad!

On the good days when Im drunk I like doing the Robot Walk in the bars! I am the self proclaimed champion of the robot walk, i have a open challenge to anyone in America, if any one thinks there good enough...Step Up and Get Served!!!!  

By Tim Lumber

(Photo from Sun archives)

Follow Midnight Sun on Facebook and Twitter @midnightsunblog
Posted by Sam Sessa at 10:28 AM | | Comments (34)
        

Comments

Am I being punished?

I picture Andrew WK yelling that story at me while I'm tied down to a chair.

Wow. I am speechless.

I would definitely pay $10 to see You Got Served 3: Robot Walkoff Edition

Also I'm inspired as well and have decided to start ending every sentence with an exclamation point! It would more than likely increase my chances of getting hired at a new job if every line on my resume had one! It also makes just about any sentence sound really happy!

My dog died last night!

I have a chronically spastic colon!

Wow, it works with just about everything!

I second your inquiry.

Hey Evan! I think you should learn how to use a comma first, then you can move on to exclamation points.

Thanks Pat! I will! Is there a class available at the learning annex?!?!

Maybe you should speak with your guidance counselor.

Um...I...is this...oh nevermind.

I demand the two minutes I spent reading this back. I will accept them in seconds or whole minutes, I just want them back!

If the collective DNA of Charles Bukowski, e.e. cummings, and Wild Bill Hagy were mixed in a laboratory then used to artificially inseminate Lisa Lampinelli, Tim Lumber would be the result. Don't listen to the haters, Timber. Faulkner had his critics, too.

I actually saw Lords of Acid at Hammerjacks when I was in high school, and I cannot believe my parents let me go to that show. It was absolutely insane, their stage antics are a total blowout. Definitely not something an impressionable mind should see to be sure.

Voodoo U is still one of the most kickass albums of all time, if you're into that sort of music. Good GOD those guys are perverts.

Tim Lumber,

Is objective to be the Midnight Sun's Hunter S. Thompson type Gonzo journalist to play counterpoint to Sam?

Pat,

Do you want Evan's posts to become commatose?

Hey, Pat! Slow day? Correcting punctuation in a comment forum is tacky and pretentiousness.

Before you rip on someone else's comma usage, how about making sure you're applying the rules correctly? Standard practice is to use a comma when you directly address someone.

Like this, Pat.

Considering the interest you take in writing mechanics here, I figured you should know.

For the record I was emulating Tim's exuberant and endearing.... style? with my post. Sorry if that subtle nuance was not apparent to some.

Yes, correcting punctuation in a comment is tacky. That's exactly my point.

sam, you should have a live reading of some of the best posts/comments (by the commentor preferably). Do it @ Wind-up. Gutter will co-sponsor.

Joe, that's a great idea. I'm going to have to take you up on this.

Anybody else agree?

I agree, and think that there should be theatrical representation as well, if possible.

Who is Chris Sligh?

Exactly.

Pat with the DOUBLE ICE BURN! Well done, sir or ma'am.

Live post reading would be electrifying, reminds me of the guy that read his articles about dogs at Charlotte's (RIP sniffle).

While Evan's posts continue to be hounded with subtle, if not ellusive, nuance not apparent to some.

The notion of a live reading of most of these posts would necessiate the serving of refreshments from Brewer's Art to attract the discerning audience which they truly deserve.

Is this Tim Lumber guy even real, or is this a Sessa practical joke?

Cuz this made me laugh with the exclamation point barrage.

Wow!!!

Evan thank you once again! Yeah i think Sam Sessa should do a yearly Robot Walking Contest! The more i drink the better I get! M.M. McDermott,thank you so much for visiting the site! If you all didnt know M.M. is a very accomplished writer, actually one of my favorite all time! Sam Sessa,thank you for this opportunity! Drew from greektown, you the man! jmw,GDA,cantoncake,J.M., Kurt, Pat,NR, anonymous,thank you! And AC-M eventually i will win your support!

Several people want to know if I am real! I would recomend e-mailing Unsolved Mysteries(not sure if that old guy who hosted the show is alive!) We will leave that chapter out of this book, and call it a mystery! Is there actually a writer named Tim Lumber? Am i real? Hopefully one day before you die, you will find the Truth out!!!!!

jmw,

My question and answer:

Tim(ber) Lumber?

Is this a real person or a Sessa alter ego with a punny name?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Posted by: GDA | January 11, 2009 3:39 PM

Hey GDA,

As far as I know, Tim is a real person -- not one of my alter egos. His first column will post today.

Posted by: Sam Sessa | January 12, 2009 8:25 AM

tim, for the love of the beer gods, please show up to the next Mid Night Sun shindi....it's a shindig right? bah, show up. let's drink.

So, in trying to do my due diligence on Tim Lumber, I came across a curios link that I won't repost, of this Midnight Sun entry on the website for another Baltimore paper.

Sam Sessa, Moonlighting Blogger for the other paper? I want to find the Truth out!!!!!

Allan, i pray to the beer gods every night! I will have to find out next time I talk to Sam about this Midnight Sun shindi. I will deffiently be there! You can count me in! It sounds like alot of fun! 1st beers on me!

Brad you got the makings of a World Class detective, you should get the leading role for the upcoming movie X-Files 3!! Theres only one website to be...and that is the Midnight Sun! This site has the best readers in the world!! You are 2nd to none!!!

Robert Stack who hosted Unsolved Mysteries died 14 May 2003,

Shindig refers to any sort of clever party, covered dish gathering, box social, (archaic) a brawl. Also it can refer to a dance party with lots of music.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shindig

Hey GDA you and Evan are going to have to take a Ouija Board to Robert Stack's(unsolved mystery host) gravesite! I would recomend bringing a camera crew, because thats gonna be one good reality show! Im going to be sitting home drinking a 6 pack of beer! Thats what I call must see T.V.!!!!!!!!!!

Tim Lumber,

For the Robert Stack adventure/exploit, which show do you favor,

Ghost Hunters: http://www.scifi.com/ghosthunters/
Ghost Adventures: http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Ghost_Adventures/
Paranormal State: http://www.aetv.com/paranormal-state/

I think fair number people including Allan’s choice would be:
Mythbusters: http://dsc.discovery.com/fansites/mythbusters/mythbusters.html

What would be great if it was still on:
Dead Famous - Ghostly Encounters: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Famous_(TV)

GDA i like the viewable comments! Its a tough call but i would say Paranormal State! I liked that Mythbuster show when they debunked the Escape from Alcatraz life jackets!

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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