Me: You’re doing a book deal, too, finally bringing together comedy and journalism.
Lampanelli: Yeah , I know. Finally, journalism that doesn’t pay $12,000 year. Dude, how do you do it? I don’t know.

Don’t ask.
I know. You have to be like a man-whore on the side. But yeah, I was writing part of it today about my first relapse after rehab. I’d gone to rehab for codependency a year and a half ago. I was like, writing my part about where I relapsed and banged my first guy after rehab.

You’re not supposed to bang anyone for a year. That’s really difficult when you’re me and you’re a big celebrity. The offers just come flying in. I was writing that part and I was going ‘Ugh, I can’t believe I wasted it on that guy, a freaking short Italian from Las Vegas.’ It was awful. Ugh.

Wow.
I know. My life – thank God it’s gotten better since then.
 
Is there stuff in your new autobiography that people have no clue about?
Oh yeah, because I’m really honest. I talk about going to fat camp and rehab and banging awful guys and being codependent and weight gain and weight loss and all that [expletive]. But there’s some stuff nobody ever asked me about. I guess all that will be in the book. All my childhood stuff, all my teen years. They’ll be stuff nobody knows, but not because I didn’t want to tell them or was afraid to tell them, but it just didn’t come up yet.

Bring up one thing with me.
Oh geez. I just told you about Johnny Vegas, you [expletive]. Geez. What do you think – I’m going to waste it on The Baltimore Sun?

Hey!
At least it’s The Baltimore Sun. At least it’s one of the top papers in the country. But you’re still not worth it.

Well look at Rickles. He’s 84 and still doing it ... I think I could last as long as that dirty heap.

Don Rickles has a heart of gold though right?
That’s what I said. Me ... him.

You’ve got a heart of gold?
You have to to do this. You try going up and saying the N-word like I do. You can’t because you’re really a racist because you’re around blacks a lot.

Are you accusing me of this?
Yes, I’m sure you’re a huge racist. No, I mean, put it this way. I know how pure I am of heart and that I have absolutely no prejudice in my body so I know I can say whatever I want and the right people will get it for the right reasons. I say whatever I want to say and people let me get away with it. You can only do that if you don’t mean it.

You only hurt the ones you love. That’s why I don’t make fun of French people and Europeans because they smell and I hate them. They do. Try smelling one. I have. Horrible. It’s just not right, sir.

(Top, stock photo. Bottom, photo by Karen Moskowitz)