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October 28, 2008

Homer's kidnapper is ...

I had hoped it would never come to this.

I had hoped Homer's kidnapper, Bad Guyz, would return my beloved magnetic Simpsons toy. But it was not to be. I gave them an extra week to bring him back, but they did not budge.

So now, I will reveal the captor. Homer was kidnapped by ...

Consuming Interests columnist Dan Thanh Dang.

DAN THANH WHY DID YOU STEAL HOMER? WHYYYYYYYY!?!?! I'M TRAPPED IN A GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION!!!! WE WORKED TOGETHER. WE SHARED LAUGHS. AND NOW YOU BETRAY ME!!??!?! WWWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?

Wheeze, cough, sputter, tissue, tears, drama.

I need a moment to collect myself.

OK.

Dan Thanh, I am giving you 24 hours to return Homer and apologize for your transgressions. Then, Midnight Sun attacks in a whirlwind of teeth and nails.

(Sun photo by Glenn Fawcett) 

 

Posted by Sam Sessa at 2:42 PM | | Comments (14)
Categories: The Homer Saga
        

Comments

This is like finally finding out who shot JR.

And to think I just willingly accepted CI's runner-up prize package from their commentary milestone. I feel sick.

Consuming Interests eh? Sounds like a front. Show no mercy Sam!

I seem to remember accusing her way back.

I see my Sherlock Holmes-like powers of deduction are still in tact.

The strike team remains at full readiness. Say the word, Sam.

Sam, I would never hurt Homer! I'm far too kind and giving and, did i mention kind?, to do such horrible things. But I will confess, badguyz blackmailed me into helping. They had some dirt on me and I'm not ashamed to say that I caved. So call of your minions. (yea, I'm talking to YOU JASON.)

Sam,

Dan is a pretty sexy lady, I have seen her out a few times, nice! I might be willing to sacrifice Homer for the dirt on Dan. I can only imagine what it could be.

"Dan Thanh Dang?!"
"I would have gotten away with too if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

DAN THANH HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS? I WOULD TURN OFF CAPS LOCK BUT IM CRYING SO HARD I CANT SEE THE KEYBOARD AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

doood. suck it up.
crybaby.

bad guyz - suck it up? you're the one walking around with a target on your chest just waiting to draw a sniper's bead. i still need your head for my associate's halloween celebration centerpiece and hamlet. it's too late to shrink it, killjoy.

Sam,

Any news?

Dan Thanh Dang was brought up on charges?

Did karlosi and his associate get their Halloween celebration center piece?

Inquiring minds want to know!

Sam, have you forgotten Homer?

Come on Sam,

Where's Homer,

Better yet, where's Dan Thanh Dang?

Please don't forget Homer, who cares about $100 bills and bar time, what about Homer!!!

Sam - I assume Homer is hangin' with Jimmy Hoffa these days.

Gone the way of the dodo.

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About Sam Sessa
I've been The Baltimore Sun's nightlife and local entertainment reporter for a couple years, and it's surprising how much the scene has grown in that time. Most of Baltimore's bars and clubs are unpretentious places with fairly cheap drinks and plenty of character. I like dancing and think this city needs more clubs, but nothing beats having a cold, locally brewed beer with friends in a comfortably full corner bar.
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