"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." - Chief C. Wiggum

Sam, this isn't an adequate proof of life. You need to see that he's in better shape, perhaps a photo with him holding a recent edition of the Sun (opened to something you wrote would achieve the highest comedic quotient). Then we can start talking terms.

In the meantime, let's start working up a known enemies list and start shaking them down. We will use Stinger (or whatever you call your Escort) as our mobile command post - it's time travel capabilities will prove most helpful.

Also, someone should alert the Flanders' to the recent rash of kidnappings in the neighborhood as well as former President Bush. The Secret Service may have to get involved, but make it clear that this is our operation!!!

In the meantime, I'm going to make my way over to the Consumer Interests and BaltAmour blogs and see what I can find out.

Sam,
we're going to make a youtube clip of you sending a message to the kidnappers like in Ransom
"No police. I'll hit every bar, pay every bartender to rat you out. Anytime someone sees a magnetic Homer while they're out will call me. I will come for you and your desk. I will find you. I will throw so much money out there that someone, maybe even your partner will turn you in. No one with a maganetized Homer will be safe... This is YOUR warning."
Don't be bullied dude!

If you notice Sam, Homer is drinking a new Miller Lite Brewer's Collection beer, I believe that it is the Blonde variety. Your kidnapper has decent taste in beer and only a few bars carry them. Homer is in front of a bare brick wall, indicative of bars in Federal Hill or Fells Point. You have to match up the ledge that Homer is standing on and that will hopefully lead you to your kidnapper.

Good Luck

This reminds me of a time when I flew a pirate flag outside my house that was stolen - I received very similar ransom emails and a poison pen letter regarding the theft, as well as a photo of the flag hanging in some dank, dirty basement. Eventually the blackmail aspect came in when a rainbow flag ended up in my mailbox and we were ordered to fly it for two weeks or we would never see the pirate flag again. We suffered the light indignity and flew the flag, and our piratey friend was returned to us.

true story!

jtk, i will have you know that i just contributed some serious coin to homer's ransom. a whole nickel! so i will thank you to please stop impugning my good name and dragging my consuming interests column into this. i, too, want to see homer come back safely.

AH HA! You left a clue, kidnapper! I think it to be none other than...

DAN THANH! Her flagrant disregard for proper capitalization has allowed herself to be identified as the kidnapper!

Astute observation Mr. Holmes, in fact the only two bars upon which I have sampled the Blonde variety of the Brewer's Collection would be No Idea Tavern, and Kissling's - the first of which features the aforementioned exposed brick and varnished wooden ledges.

A pigeon to whom I slipped forty-pence informed me of spying a bearded fellow with an SLR camera skulking about No Idea just last night, flashing his bulbs in patrons' faces in order to make a hasty retreat! Perhaps the two are somehow linked, sir?

hey, bryanintimonium. i may not use capitalization, but i know how to SPELL! and if watson is mistaking me for a guy with a beard, i've got bigger problems to worry about, guys.

No Idea has Mahogony ledges, however it does have cameras, let's roll the videotape. Sam, consider yourself lucky that you got a ransom letter. I have had not 1 or 2, but "THREE" leg lamps stolen from my place and no note was left behind. Evan, were you at No Idea last night, and do you still have your beard? Revenge for Sam not only taking your pirate flag, but making you fly a rainbow flag instead. The plot thickens.

It's true I was at No Idea on Tuesday as the tape will demonstrate, and I do have something of a beard, but I definitely didn't have a camera and was otherwise embroiled in answering trivia questions and drinking.... Miller Brewer's Collection beers.

Oh god maybe it was me??

sounds like we've got a winner. evan, please return homer so sam can stop crying like a little girl. thanks!