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March 23, 2008

Homer is frying alive!

At last, an email update on Homer (which I realized was somehow caught in my junk mail folder):

OK, wize dudes. So's u wanna call the cops, eh?

Youse wanna put a bounty on are hed? We wuz good to Homer.

And I daresay our ransom request was quite reasonable. Your callous failure to act makes us question your commitment to Homer. Word.

So we are upping the ante. Now we want a lot more Doh! to get him back.

If you want to see him in one piece again, if you want to make sure we don't make stew out of him, pay up.

Ten bucks, in small unmarked bills, smart guy. Leave it with the babe at the koffee joint across the street from youse.

Here's a little picture of what we're doin to Homer now.

You mite say we're turnin' up the heet.

Yours turly,
badguyz

I'm thinking of leaving Monopoly money.

Sound like a good idea?


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Posted by Sam Sessa at 9:49 AM | | Comments (8)
Categories: The Homer Saga
        

Comments

This blog does not negotiate with terrorists.

This is the point in the process where we talk them down to 5 dollars.

Then we put some surveillance on this coffee shop, get to know it, learn its exit and entry points and its staff.

And then when they come to collect it, we lay siege to this coffee shop, go in hard and loud, small arms and flash grenades should do it, take this barista girl down. We'll use some waterboarding from the waterfalls at Ful til she gives up these savages.

Sam, don't buckle to their wishes until we've got the operation in place. Operation: Uosdwis R. Dewoh.

what coffee place Sam? We can match up the coffee place with a nearby bar where Homer was drinking the beer. Talk to local bartenders about bearded men taking pictures. Homer is staying in a non rehab house with block windows. Be tough Sam, tell the kidnapper, "you kill, him, you kill yourself, you motherf*#$#r, give me back my HOMER!!

Nah,

we want susan b. anthony dollars n no funny stuff like leaving quarters.

I think your Homer figure has been captured by LOLCatz. A ball of yarn should suffice for payment.

The whole world now knows... Homer was kidnapped, for ransom, three weeks ago. This is a recent photograph of him. Homer, if you're watching, we love you. And this... well, this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Ten dollars in unmarked bills, just like you wanted. But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my Homer. Not one dime, not one penny. Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So congratulations, you've just become a ten dollar lottery ticket... except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for ten dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time. And to ensure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page ad in the Baltimore Sun... for as long as it takes. But... and this is your last chance... you return Homer, alive, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck you can simply disappear. Understand... you will never see this money. Not one dollar. So you still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this Earth will be.

Ron Howard's epic masterpiece Ransom 2 coming summer '08

Just pay the [darn] money Sam! This could def not end well.

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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