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February 22, 2008

Fab Five Friday

Thanks again for all of your bargument suggestions.

In case you're just tuning in (and slightly mentally challenged), a 'bargument' is an argument best hashed out in a corner bar.

I thumbed through the book Barguments by Doug Hanks and picked out my five favorites. 

1) Choose one of these rules to obey for the next 14 days: Going for a hug every time someone offers you a handshake or ending all telephone conversations with "Love ya." 

2) You suddenly have the ability to implant a song in your enemies' heads. Which one do you pick?

3) If you could instantly become five times better at doing one thing, what would you choose? 

4) If you had to tap a president from film or television to run the country, who would get the nod?

5) Would you rather drink a glass of melted butter or eat a small bowl of mayonnaise? 

I'll post my answers to these barguments in a little bit.

And I'll mail a free copy of the book to the commenter with the funniest answers. 

 


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Posted by Sam Sessa at 8:02 AM | | Comments (20)
Categories: Fab Five Fridays
        

Comments

Mmmmm, melted butter.

As for question 2, my alltime song has got to be Achy Breaky Hart by Billy Ray Cyrus.

1.) Hugs! Everyone loves hugs!

2.) Barking Dogs' Jingle Bells

3.) Speeling words

4.) Bill Pullman - He saved the world from aliens by flying a fighter plane! Plus he was Lonestar. End of discussion.

5.) I once had a friend who was dared to eat a small jar of gourmet honey mustard while drunk. He had one spoonful and tears started to stream down his face, he responded: "It's so good when it hit your lips." Tried to get down another spoonful, started to gag, then proceeded to leave via a closet. We don't have barguments regarding food stuffs anymore.

1. I'll go hugs, and one up it, adding Chris Farley's line from "Tommy Boy"--"Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!"

2. Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus" from the mid 1980's would surely render any enemy insane within minutes.

3. Since no one values Rubick's Cube skills anymore, I will have to go with either home improvement projects (make the wife happier) or shooting pool, to begin my career selling instructional pool DVDs on QVC.

4. Annette Benning would be tempting, since the president is so frequently televised, but I agree with Harrison Ford, who got the part (Presidency) in part by shooting an alien under the table and a swordsman in the dessert.

5. Mayonnaise. "You know what they put on french fries in Europe? Mayonnaise."

1. Hugs...because they're better than drugs

2. Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time"

3. Remembering (retelling) good jokes - I always forget the quality ones

4. Samuel L. Jackson...because he's a bad mother

5. Melted butter, if I was allowed to chase it with a Guiness. Sounds like a new drink in the making - an Irish Butter Bomb

1.) Definitely "Luv YA". Can you imagine what your boss would do the first time he/she heard you go "luv ya" when getting off the phone.
2.) "Fish Heads, Fish heads, Rolly Polly Fish Heads....." - Dr. Demento. nuff said
3.) 5 times better at music
4.) Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact. he could make me feel safe even while the world was coming to an end.
5.) Butter. there's no question. "If I could eat one food for the rest of my life?" a large glass of butter.

1. Has to be hugs - it's to easy to say luv ya and hang up. Imagine hugging everyone before a buisness meeting and then sitting there for an hour.

2. Tub Thumping by Chumba Wumba. I get knocked down........you can thank me later!

3. Hitting a baseball, although that still might not be good enough to get me into the Bigs.

4. Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers) from Doctor Stranglove. If the name isn't enough for you - then you could get quality quotes like "Gentleman you can't fight in here. This is the war room."

5. Butter because it would go down faster.

I hate you, JTK. Why would make Barking Dogs Jingle Bells stick in my head??? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

1. Hugs.
2. Deliverance theme
3. Writing pithy blog entries
4. One of the "24" ones that wasn't evil
5. Butter. You're basically doing that when you eat soup at a restaurant, anyway.

1. Love ya... keeps them guessing after you hang up
2. "Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring... Banana phone". Worked on Ebaumsworld.
3. Have to be 5 times better at snappy comebacks
4. Robin Williams... even though several past presidents have been a joke, this one would actually be funny. Also, to [heck] with all this "political correctness"!
5. Depends... does Miracle Whip count?

1. I prefer to end most telephone conversations w/ my male friends w/ a subtle "I love you." You'd be surprised how many respond in kind before they realize what they've done.

2. I tend to get Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney duets stuck in my head. They're incredibly catchy and reliably contagious.

3. Five times better @ jumping, easily. And I would make $6 million man bionic sounds when doing so.

4. Duh, President Jed Bartlett as portrayed by Martin Sheen from West Wing. Is there another choice?

5. This one's tough. It's 6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other. My grandmother used to eat Crisco w/ a spoon. She also used to make us swear at the milk man when we were 6, so I guess what I'm trying to say is butter.

1. Love Ya. That can be REALLY awkward with business clients and therefore the best answer in a bargument.

2. The Entertainer (otherwise know as the song the ice cream man plays). Nobody can get that out of their head.

3. Getting really annoying songs stuck in an enemy's head.

4. Robert V.Barron from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Anyone in that movie deserves to be president.

5. Butter. Just hold your nose and gulp gulp gulp.

1. in the immortal words of Entourage's Ari Gold, let's hug it out ... !!
2. "....then put your little hand in mine, there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb......"
3. i'd like to be 5 times better at taking a day off from work each week.
4. bill pullman's schwartz is as big as mine. i second the vote for him for his role in "independence day"
5. a glass of melted butter would slide right down. eating a bowl of mayo is much more of a committment.

1. Love ya, because I don't have to answer the phone if I don't.
2. The Oompa Loompa song. It's almost as disturbing as their orange face paint.
3. Implanting songs in my enemies heads. I'd add such gems as "She Bangs" as performed by William Hung, "The Sign" by Ace of Bass, "I write the Songs" by Barry Manilow, and anything by Clay Aiken to my arsenal.
4. Warren Beatty as Bulworth. That is a president I could drink with.
5. Make that a BIG bowl of mayo and you got yourself a deal.

1) Yes, "love ya!" is my new response! Even at work.

2)JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMERSCMIDT, his name is my name too, when ever we go out, the people always shout, THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMERSCMIDT!!!! I sing that on the ski lift, people cant walk away from you there.

3) I would be 5 times better at drinking beer. My tolerance has gone down like the economy and I make a fool of myself now, not really, but less are laughing with me.

4) Alan Alda from Canadian Bacon. Do I really have to explain myself?

5) Butter, then I will head to Berthas and eat some mussles.

1) Hugs with a [edited for content] that will keep them guessing.

2) “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” Culture Club

3) Make money- then I will be able to afford the $4 Miller Lites

4) Guess the actor from this quote- “Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.”

5) What size glass? I had a friend each a small bowl of sour cream on a bet. It was disgusting, especially the part where he also threw up in the middle of it. I will go with the melted butter

Mitch - I am a powerful enemy to make.

1. "Love ya - mean it."

2. "Feliz Navidad"

3. Making money

4. Jack Nicholson from "Mars Attacks!"

5. "Like buttah ..." (And Greg S's Irish Butter Bomb sounds awesome.)

1. Hugs, It's easier to hug people then to lie...I hate telemarketers
2."Milkeshake" by Keli...Because of it's catchiness, became the only song my wife and I remember from our wedding day..thus is our wedding song
3. Life
4. Morgan Freeman...He was god, why can't he be President
5. Butter...All I can think about when a think about a bowl of butter is Lobster

1) "Love Ya" with as much excitement as possible. It would gratify your friends and intimidate your enemies. Without all the hugging germs.

2) "Tom's Diner." Just the "da-da-duh-dat" part.

3) Stamina. That is all.

4) R. Lee Ermey, from the Omega Code movies. Because he's R. Lee Ermey

5) While both are awful without requisite accompaniments (Snow Crabs or a really big BLT) the butter would be possible. Fast chug.

Now, my favorite bargument has always been this: They're remaking the Dirty Dozen. Which modern actors should be in it? Which football player should be Jefferson?

oh man! I am totally going to make Milkshake my wedding song. I'm sure it will sound perfectly retro in 2017. I hope someone gives me implants as a shower gift.

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About Erik Maza
Erik Maza is a features reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He writes for several sections of the Sun paper and contributes weekly columns on music and nightlife. He also writes and edits the Midnight Sun blog. He often covers entertainment, business, and the business of entertainment. Occasionally, he writes about Four Loko, The Block, the liquor board, and those who practice "simulated sex with a potted palm tree." Before The Sun, he was a reporter at the Miami New Times. He's also written for Miami magazine, the Orlando Sentinel, the Sarasota Herald Tribune and the Gainesville Sun. Got tips? Gripes? Pitches? He's reachable at erik.maza@baltsun.com. Click here to keep up with the dumb music he's listening to.

Midnight Sun covers Baltimore music, live entertainment, and nightlife news. On the blog, you'll find, among other things, concert announcements, breaking news, bars closings and openings, up-to-date coverage of crime in nightlife, new music, round-the-clock coverage of Virgin Mobile FreeFest, handy guides on bars staying open past 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve and those that carry Natty Boh on draft. Recurring features include seven-day nightlife guides, Concert News, guest reviews of bars and concerts, Wednesday Corkboard, and photo galleries, as well as reader-submitted photos. Thanks for reading.
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