Cinco de celery
After a painfully long two-week absence, John Lindner is back with shallow thoughts about ... celery! Here's John. LV
I learned a new trick that got me thinking about celery.
Celery has one and only one thing going for it: nothing. Eat a ton of it, nothing of any consequence happens. No weight gain, no pleasant taste, no charmingly dangerous fat, no addictive qualities whatsoever. It’s not even disappointing, like Canadian bacon or turkey franks.
No one setting out a feast to impress in-laws or sniffy clients ever exclaimed, “Oh no! I’ve forgotten the celery!” Celery suggests that evolution can sometimes grow bored, that natural selection can simply forget to kill off its mid-era experiments.
Sure, celery can be used to convey wonderful things like peanut butter and assorted dips, but so can straws convey milk shakes, soft drinks and ice tea. Neither celery nor straws are necessary. They’re just tools we use to avoid getting sticky fingers or wet lips.
Celery is culinary cannon fodder. We use it out of pity. And how does celery reward our generosity? With pulpy tendons that take longer to chew than a stick of Juicy Fruit. Nature’s dental floss. Eating celery is like doing nothing and ending up with strings in your mouth.
Until now. Because now I know how to debone celery.
Here’s how you do it. Take a stalk of celery. Pinch one end with your thumb and forefinger and snap it back. Now, ideally, you have about an eighth to a quarter inch of celery hanging as on a hinge of stringy stuff. Pull the broken piece toward the other end of the stalk. Ha! Ain’t it grand how those cords pull right off the back of the celery stick? It’s actually fun. Go ahead, try it again. Deboning celery is on par with popping packing bubbles.
And when you’ve stripped a good half pound of the stuff, had your fill of cheap thrills, this pathetic little veggie offers one more seldom recognized benefit: you can safely chuck it all in the compost heap.
It is, after all, celery.
Photo by John Lindner
Comments
Due respect, I'd say mirepoix is celery's true calling in life.
Posted by: Waxies_Dargle | May 5, 2010 11:26 AM
Due respect, I'd say mirepoix is celery's true calling in life.
Posted by: Waxies_Dargle | May 5, 2010 11:28 AM
What! How can you possibly eat tuna, chicken, turkey, egg, salmon salad without celery?
Posted by: Kitkat | May 5, 2010 11:33 AM
I hate the taste of celery. Yeah, I know. What taste? But I find it has just enough to turn me off. I'm getting better about eating it in soups and such, but I've always hated it in tuna salad or shrimp salad or regular leafy green salad.
Posted by: kam | May 5, 2010 11:38 AM
Yeah, celery is a culinary staple. Mire Poix. MmmHmm.
The break did not do you well JL. You are off base.
Posted by: Anonymous | May 5, 2010 12:46 PM
How would one make an authentic Cajun Gumbo or Jambalaya without celery?
Posted by: pgp | May 5, 2010 2:08 PM
I saw someone drinking a beer and eating celery and baby carrots at an O's game. Doink.
Celery isn't half bad if you cover it in peanut butter and wrap it in bacon.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | May 5, 2010 2:31 PM
No home dinner party is complete without the relish tray of celery sticks, radish roses, carrot sticks, canned olives and gherkins. That's what we sophisticates call crudity.
Posted by: Don Draper | May 5, 2010 2:38 PM
Kitkat and pgp, I am with you. Also, I thought celery was necessary to make a good stock for soup; along with carrot and onion.
I hate to bring up Captcha, but, it seems to apply: invisibly essentially
Posted by: chris | May 5, 2010 2:45 PM
As you can see, jl, people have strong feeling about celery, pro and con! My long-suffering husband really likes it, but I've had more than one dinner guest push pieces of celery around the plate, hoping no one would notice that they not being consumed. Me--I'm neutral.
Posted by: Dahlink | May 5, 2010 2:59 PM
Notice that the pro-celery peeps are saying it is necessary, not tasty.
Celery makes an excellent stirrer for a bloody Mary, then toss it.
Posted by: ~╥╥☺◄TerrierGirl | May 5, 2010 3:13 PM
There were meadows of wild celery surrounding the cave of Calypso.
Posted by: Camille Quelquejeu | May 5, 2010 3:18 PM
Turkey dressing at Thanksgiving just wouldn't be the same without celery in it. And Old Bay.
Posted by: Enid Maclaren | May 5, 2010 4:18 PM
Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray soda. Blech!!
Posted by: M&M | May 5, 2010 7:58 PM
Understand that JL appears to limit his comments about the uselessness of celery to its raw form. And with that, I agree.
However the pro-celery commenters have a point. Ever tried a dish made with a mire poix or trinity sans celery? If you're not sure, then just think back to the last bland bisque or gumbo you had at your local non-profit's charity potluck. If it was missing...something...then it was probably celery.
A century of delicious food preparation dictates that celery is, indeed, necessary (but not if it's simply scrubbed, cut, and laid on a plate).
Posted by: st. | May 5, 2010 8:42 PM
For those of us living the low-carb lifestyle, celery is the ultimate bread replacement for most dips. It also has the advantage of being crunchy,since very little else on our diet is.
Posted by: Frequent Little Italy Restaurant Visitor | May 5, 2010 9:43 PM
mirepoix: exception to every rule. And I still aver ... no, assevervate (if that's stronger) ... that celery's used in mirepoix more out of pity than actual utility. I mean, how much celery can your compost heap handle, really?
As for tuna, chicken, egg, etc salad: I'd rather eat celery. Which is not to gainsay Kitkat. More likely, it's admission of deficiency. Tel est goût.
Posted by: jl | May 5, 2010 10:28 PM
I love Christian shoes. I hate when Jesus condemns my flip-flops. You would think he'd be busy but who knows.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 5, 2010 11:41 PM
Cel-Ray has its charms.
Posted by: Colonel Tamar | May 6, 2010 1:11 AM
Colonel, your bloody mary recipe forgot the pickle.
Posted by: jl | May 6, 2010 7:16 AM
Men, you should eat celery. It helps produce pheremones that attract women.
http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/foods_for_sex/Celery.php
...unless you don't want that.
Posted by: baltimoregal | May 6, 2010 10:26 AM
Men, you should eat celery. It helps produce pheremones that attract women.
B>)
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 6, 2010 6:58 PM
Oops, the previous text got erased because bloggy thought it was html.
Men, you should eat celery. It helps produce pheremones that attract women.
... chomp chomp chomp chomp ...
P>)
Posted by: Owl Meat GuyMan | May 6, 2010 7:04 PM
Okay, OMG, I'll bite. What happens if a woman eats celery?
Posted by: Dahlink | May 7, 2010 6:58 AM
obviously, Dahlink, if women eats celery, it makes them irresistable to other women!
chomp, chomp, chomp!
Posted by: Joyce W. | May 7, 2010 8:27 AM
Hmmmm... women do seem to like bunnies...
Posted by: sean | May 7, 2010 9:02 AM