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March 31, 2010

She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie ...

Burger bust

In this week's Shallow Thought Wednesday post, John Lindner considers life as an outlaw. If he does time, maybe somebody will bring him a cake with a baked-in file. LV

So, bacon and cheesecake are the culinary equivalent of heroin and cocaine. And that’s a bad thing?

All this time I thought I was going to taverns, they’re really drug rehab clinics. The Cheesecake Factory is a methadone treatment center but you have to pay for the fix.

New meaning for BATF: Bacon Additives Transfats Fried food.

The question that occurs to me is this, since I’m not tempted to indulge in heroin and cocaine, what foods would I be willing to break the law to eat?

Bacon cheeseburgers would be one.

Almost any pasta with almost any cream sauce.

I could see dying in a shoot-out with the Steak Police.

Maybe someday I’ll be busted for shipping Gruyere across state lines in boxes of wine.

As much as I enjoy the controversy of eating foie gras, I don’t think I’d risk doing time for liver.

But I think I could look at five to seven in minimum security on a fries and ketchup violation.

“What ya in for?”

“Butter. You?”

“Powdered sugar.”

Gives a whole new meaning to getting caught with egg on your face.

Warning: listing the food crimes you’d be willing to commit may constitute conspiracy. I’m just saying.


Photo by Elvis Santana, courtesy Stock Exchng

Posted by Laura Vozzella at 5:28 AM | | Comments (12)


One time, I was really enjoying some pan-fried trout until the game-warden came along.

I could see getting caught up on a solicitation charge involving olives and baba ghanoush.

Let's just say if I'm consigned to the salt mines it may not be as much of a punishment as they think.

"Oh, please don't throw me into the briar patch!"

Salt mines! Leonora, you don't know what you're talking about. Clearly, you've never been to Zzyzx.

We've all been doing time for Adam and Eve's culinary choices.

Nutella. Without question. And if you pick up the non-imported stuff, it's teeming with trans fat.

Captcha: attitude prefixed
Yes, I'd say so...

Duck. Not as in the police are lobbing tear gas grenades, get your head down, but as in waterfowl. I would gladly do time for the Orient's crispy duck. Or serve a stretch for Eichenkranz' roast duckling. So put the cuffs on me, copper, it was worth it for the confit.

The silver apples of the moon, the golden apples of the sun.

Pizza fries.. all the goodness of pizza slogged all over tasty, tasty fries ( cheaper the better, no "fancy" fresh hand cut fries done in peanut oil need apply)

or a Chicken Cheesesteak Wrap from The Dizz, marina instead of mayo, and everything and the kitchen sink on it.. fried and onions and hots, please.

captcha: burnt of .. might need a burnt offering to atone for this meal.. or half a pack of rolaids for the reflux

I'll eat when I'm dead

Pizza, if it was just a misdemeanor. Bacon, if I thought I had even a glimmer of hope for probation and community service.

On the other hand, I'd risk a felony to never again be face to face (face to plate?) with broccoli or brussel sprouts.

I'll give up my steamed crabs when they pry them from my cold dead fingers...

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About this blog
Richard Gorelick was appointed The Baltimore Sun's restaurant critic in September 2010. Before joining the paper staff fulltime, he contributed freelance criticism and features articles about food to area and regional publications. Along the way, he dispatched for short-distance trucking companies, shilled for cultural non-profits, and assisted in cognitive neurology research – never the subject, always the control.

He takes restaurants seriously but not himself, and his favorite restaurant is the one you love, too.

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