My ramekin overfloweth
Shallow Thought Wednesdays guru John Lindner wants some ketchup. Is that too much to ask? LV
Large scale disasters, like freak weather events, blogger retirements and national elections, devastate us in groups. But the small afflictions we bear alone. If we are civilized, we suffer them quietly, fearing to bore our dear ones or inspire them to think us petty. Big, bold disasters either kill or strengthen us. But the small hurts, toothpick jabs to the soul, are the ones that age and enfeeble. So it is with ketchup.
Receiving the ketchup bottle after the fries have cooled is a disappointment that must be carried off with a sigh. I rarely handle it that gracefully, but nevertheless take comfort in knowing that I at least recognize how I should behave. Further, I’ve whined about late ketchup before (I’m not obsessed, I’m bruised, OK?), so I mention it now only as a benchmark of regret. Because a new affront is afoot.
At what point of refinement does a restaurant’s décor demand that bottles of condiments be hid from view? It’s a thing one can’t quantify. One just knows instinctively, particularly if one’s been raised by my mom. You walk into a place and sense, we will not find a Heinz squeezy in this place.
In these places they serve the Red Condiment — always with the unspoken condescension “Well! If you must use kat-sup,” like it’s a moral weakness — in a miniature ramekin.
Surely you’ve seen it. The little white ramekin? It’s the same diminuative size wherever you go, as if there’s but one producer: some unmarked, concrete-block factory in the Qinghai province that churns them out and ships them overseas by the bargeload.
And the things are contemptuously tiny. It’s veritable rationing! Is there a real war on? “Ladies, turn in your pantyhose! We need the nylon for our paratroopers!”
The one-size-fits-all attitude of the ketchup ramekin strikes a blow to our dignity. The condenscending message, “Surely this will be enough for you,” is etched along the curve of the server’s sneer as he sets it on the table and quickly backs away as from a leper or a roach. And worse, to my utter humiliation, it often is enough – as if the Qinghai has me figured out right down to the mili-ounce.
True, the injury inflicted is as insignificant as the ramekin itself, but that’s the point, I guess. Picnics are more frequently spoiled by the ant than the Autan.
Photo by David Grant, courtesy Stock Xchng
Comments
Bravo! Bravo, sir.
Now I want fries & ketchup...
And hey, speaking of tiny ketchup servings, know what I hate? Those little paper cups that certain... ahem... bistros force us to use for our ketchup. You know the place I'm talking about. Due to our innate hoarding tendencies, we're no longer trusted with ketchup packets (at least it hasn't come to THIS yet), so we're forced to fill up these tablespoon sized cups. The problem - they're far too small for dunking fries, and lack the convenient dispensing method of a traditional ketchup packet.
Posted by: sean | March 17, 2010 2:32 PM
Oh, and "Oops." HTML fail.
Posted by: sean | March 17, 2010 2:34 PM
jl, you know how to find the con in condiment. Nothing says klassy like a puddle of theater blood in white porcelain. And when it's not served in the original container, I'm thinking it came from a big vat of generic. If the place you're eating in is serving french fries and it's in America, it shouldn't be too finicky to place the Heinz bottle on the table.
Posted by: Laura Lee | March 17, 2010 5:12 PM
Sean, your prayers have been answered. Ketchup packet scientists have been working day and night to accommodate the need to dunk AND squeeze.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/foodanddrinknews/7169287/Heinz-launches-new-cleaner-use-ketchup-sachet-design.html
Posted by: M&M | March 17, 2010 5:20 PM
I'm divided on the subject. Yes, i want my ketchup in the bottle. I like LOTS of ketchup, saltand vinegar, thank you. ( yeah it's a sauce made with almost straight HFCS, but you have to live a little sometimes. I'm not eating fries for my health after all.) I also know for a fact that 99% of places NEVER clean the bottles, wipe them down etc. Germ City, first stop on the way to what is usually a finger food. Stop making me want fries.. it's not fair!
Posted by: Meekrat | March 17, 2010 5:21 PM
Great post from beginning to end.
I suppose you order tap water with your meal instead of the mineral? How gauche.
Posted by: federal hal | March 17, 2010 6:54 PM
Meekrat, when I was growing up my mother would want to go out for Chinese food (actually insert a derogatory term for Chinese people here) and then request to sit as far away from the kitchen as possible. She was of the if I don't know, it won't hurt me school.
So, I grew up enlightened enough to realize that you should say "Chinese food" and not the term she used. But, still mom's kid enough to say (at some point although I am admittedly a germaphobe) "what I don't know won't hurt me".
Too much knowledge is sometimes not helpful!
And on a side note, although related swerve, I do note that all the ketchup bottle pics used thus far are, of course, Heinz. We may hate the Steelers but we love that Heinz ketchup!
Posted by: Joyce W. | March 17, 2010 8:51 PM
federal hal - I did a semester in London while in college, and my friend and I would go out for the cheapest (decent) meals we could find in order, of course, to save all our money for the pubs on the weekends. At an Italian place in Soho, (£5 for spaghetti bolognese) when the waiter inquired as to our drink order we said water. "Mineral water?" was the reply. No, just flat water. "(Disdainful sniff) Well, you know, it will come from the sink, then."
Posted by: sean | March 17, 2010 10:16 PM
Is anyone else concerned that the new ketchup packet was designed to be used WHILE driving? "Drivers wanted something that sat on the armrest." Tests were done in a mini-van.
Posted by: Frequent Little Italy Restaurant Visitor | March 18, 2010 6:23 AM
Is anyone else concerned that the new ketchup packet was designed to be used WHILE driving?
Oh gack.
Posted by: Dahlink | March 18, 2010 6:40 AM
While studying abroad in Australia, i found they are particularly stingy with their ketchup, they just dont understand the american desire to dunk fries in ketchup and that it takes multiple packets to accomplish it correctly
Posted by: Lindsey | March 18, 2010 9:49 AM
what is gack? is that like some old people saying like 23 skidoo? this place is sooooo old
Posted by: chaibro | March 18, 2010 9:52 AM
(genuflects, at your genius)
Posted by: rdc | March 18, 2010 9:52 AM
chaibro, get off my lawn you g.d. punk!
Posted by: Mr. Wilson | March 18, 2010 10:48 AM
We may hate the Steelers but we love that Heinz ketchup!
Joyce, it is because of the Steelers that there are no Heinz products in my house.
As Owl would say, that's the way I roll.
Posted by: PCB Rob | March 18, 2010 12:13 PM
Hope you're all happy.. i got five guys fries with loads of ketchup, salt and vinegar... temptation too strong.... oh, my tummy hurts...going to go prostrate myself on the couch.
Posted by: Meekrat | March 18, 2010 2:29 PM
Sorry your stomach hurts Meekrat, but wasn't it worth it!! If I hadn't had boardwalk fries last nite from my pit beef place, I would definitely get some because of this post!
Posted by: Trixie | March 18, 2010 2:48 PM
Sean,
If you are eating food in GB, does it really matter what you wash it down with?
Posted by: federal hal | March 19, 2010 7:40 PM