In Hell, all the plates are topped with foam that looks like either cat barf or whipped sinus sludge.

Hell makes crab cakes with onions and green peppers (and no Old Bay for us OB lovers).

In hell you call for a reservation weeks in advance, but the only available times are 5:30 or 10 p.m.

All the fine dining restaurants in Hell start issuing beepers that play the "Mexican Hat Dance" when your table is ready. You keep hearing the song over and over...and it's never your beeper.

The guy who parked your car approaches your table in a torn, disheveled uniform with tears running down his cheeks.

In hell, the waiter/waitress thinks they're being fancy by taking your order by memory instead of writing it down. One of two things happen. They have to come back later to apologize because they forgot what you ordered or when the meal comes, it's not what you ordered.

Jay C. is your coffee barista.

...and the owner keeps complaining to everyone and no one about a pink flamingo.

Wow - I had an experience of number 3 just the other week at Gertrude's. You forgot to add that all the ladies are wearing purple with red hats.

You're at the Bay Cafe.

Re: number 2 - if you are in Hell (shouldn't it be capitalized, like "Texas" or "New York"?) the air conditioning would be a plus, wouldn't it?

It should be capitalized. You're absolutely right. And I worried about the air conditioning thing when I wrote it. But my concept of Hell isn't heat. That's my concept of Heaven. Your restaurant in Hell would have the air conditioning broken and it would always be July. EL

You are the only couple in the place and the waiter says the kitchen staff is slammed.

Hello, I'm Satan, and I'll be your dark lord this evening. Would you prefer sparkling water, ...or still?

These are all true (many of them at restaurants that, unbeknownst to us, were in the throes of shutting down):
1. an otherwise beautiful cheesecake dessert with green mold on the sides;
2. vodka tonics with no vodka in them;
3. a corn and shrimp chowder that was so salty it burned the tongue;
4. wait staff who ask if you are "still working on" your meal;
5. oysters on the half shell that clearly had been shucked hours before and refrigerated until they were dried out;
6. crab dishes full of shell pieces;
7. gelatinous chicken on a caesar salad;
8. lobsters full of water;
9. water glasses with suds;
10. re-used butter pats.

My version of restaurant Hell that really happened-- waiting for a dinner that never came because because the chef quit and the staff didn't bother to tell the customers. Meanwhile, my dinner companions blew cigarette smoke in my face and got drunk.

And the only beer available is Natural Light or Corona Light. The side dishes available that day are creamed rutabaga, cold cocktail onions, and kimchi. The sushi features Minute Rice, Chicken of the Sea, and lowfat cream cheese.

A slight variation on the butter : it's a cold little unspreadable lump.
Or, it's a beautiful bagel and the butter is unsalted.

LOL @ "The sushi features Minute Rice, Chicken of the Sea, and lowfat cream cheese." Sounds great!

Cleatus, did #1 happen at Valentino's?

Your salad, apps and entree all come out back to back. Hot stuff goes cold and cold stuff because warm. Plus they never refill you drink or water. Bread is hard as a rock and the butter is so cold you can't spread it

Wow, I must have already had my meal - #1,2,6,7, the waitress writing down the order and getting it wrong, and the chef devising a new menu that day, but not having it printed for customers(?!!) - as well as a few other mishaps, just happened to us at B&O Brasserie a few weeks ago. And while ours was a very disappointing experience, the couple at the table next to ours had it so bad that their entire meal was comped. I can't tell you if #10 would have happened, we decided to leave and not even look at the dessert menu.

A true story from a (now closed) Baltimore restaurant:

Order the $15 cheese plate and the cheeses are: three slices of American cheese, still in the wax wrapping; a square hunk of Velvetta; and a small scoop of that faux port wine cheese spread. The crackers were Saltines. The accompanyment was a small dollop of (what I can only think was) Welch's grape jelly.

And to top it all off, the server commented that he liked the cheese plate because "it was fresh."

Your date is more flirtatious with the waiter, the bus boy, the valet, the guy at the next table . . .the woman at the other table than she is with you.

I nearly ditto Sharon. I had a lousy meal at a diner and waited for the check. The waitress quit during the shift. No wonder my dessert never came. No apologies from the manager. Just the usual-"How was everything?"

You order a cheap bottle of plonk to wash down your bouef bourginon and somehow receive a vintage Pommard with a similar name. It's bad enough that you can't tell the difference but now they expect you to fork over several hundred dollars or a credit card with a sizeable limit, neither of which you have.

All of the desserts are served drizzled with raspberry sauce. (Enough with the raspberry sauce already!)

Since you arrived in Hell alone, you ask to be seated at the communal table.
Satan graciously escorts you to your seat.
Five minutes later Satan returns with the next patron, who is to be seated directly to your right.
As she sits down you turn to greet her, only to see it is Springs1.

A flaming bonus point to Lone Lady!

Oh the memories! How about the meal where the child's chicken pot pie came out looking like a bowl of vomit? The server explained that they had "run out of pie crust"!!!! Oh, and the stuffed rockfish was stuffed with crabmeat that had turned... And the burger came out 15 minutes after everyone else had been served.... TRUE STORY!

My restaurant in hell would have the hostess from Shucker's. Over the (very loud) speaker system, "Smith, party of 2, your table is now available. Smith, party of 2, your table is now available. Jones, party of 4, your table is now available. Jones, party of 4, your table is now available."

To piggyback on ADM VI's beverages, the only cocktail available is a Diet Coke and Bacardi.

Two words: dinner theatre.

Your server has piercings with big studs and rings in nose, eyebrows, lips, and tongue. And fingernails 2" long. And tattoos.

Lukewarm water.
(Revelation 3:16 -- Nod to Alan)

This list and the additonal comments are hysterical! LOL & many thanks! I recently witnessed a waitress become highly agitated with the manager, grab her coat, and storm out of the restaurant. 15 minutes had passed before I realized she was my waitress and she hadn't placed my order.

#1 was shamelessly stolen from me. And it is ironic, because the restaurant that did that to me most recently? Apparently, far more concerned with having pink flamingos over the door than having a dessert - any dessert - available.