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October 26, 2009

Quiche me, you fool



John P. has been distracting me with food and restaurant jokes.

In fact, he's almost convinced me to do a Top 10 of them.


Did you hear about the explosion at the bakery?

All the napoleons were blown apart!!

OK, that was pretty good, but I defy you to come up with any more (other than the primitive knock-knock jokes like "Orange you supposed to answer the door?").

Or rather, I defied him, and he did:

A group of termites walk into a bar and yell, "Hey where's the bar tender?" ...

And then when I checked my work e-mail this morning I found this:

"Kiss me," she cooed.
"I'm hungry," he whispered.

"Quiche me first."

I know it's Monday morning, but don't you feel better now?

(Elizabeth Malby/Sun photographer)


Posted by Elizabeth Large at 6:48 AM | | Comments (27)


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve food.

No jokes to contribute; but, yes, I definitely feel better! Thanks.....

Q: Why did you order the seafood?

A: I dunno, just for the halibut.

A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says "sorry we don't serve mushrooms".
The mushroom says "but I'm a Fungi".

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

"Excuse me," said Basil to Rosemary sagely,"do you have the thyme?"

What do Ghosts like on their roast beef? Grave-y

What do you call a pig that does karate? Porkchop!

A guy walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter "Do you serve crabs?"
The waiter replied "Oh sure, we serve everybody."

Customer says to the waiter, "any soup on the menu?" Waiter: "yea, we had some but I thought we wiped it off!"
Actually an old Soupy Sales line.

...and the classic:

"Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"

"Looks like the backstroke, sir."

So, I'm sitting at on of those outdoor tables at a restaurant in Fells Point, and the server arrives and announces " I have fried liver, boiled tongue, and pigs feet. I said " Don't tell me your problems, just bring me a cheese sandwich and a bowl of soup.
When he brings the food to the table, he looks up and says "Looks like rain." I said "Yeah, but it smells a little like soup."

Why does a French omelette use only one egg?

Because one is an oeuf!!!

I hadn't heard that this has become an antiques blog.

1st of all, JMc...hah!

2ndly, an eating joke, not food:

Two carnivores were eating a clown, and one looked at the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Cannibals, Dawn, cannibals!


I'm laughing so hard people are looking at me. EL

knock knock
who's there
Cantaloupe who
cantaloupe tonight because my father is watching

Elderly gent and his wife die. They meet St. Pete at the Pearlies. He personally ushers them in and gives them a tour.
First he takes them to a big BIG mansion. This is yours, he says. But, stutters the old guy, we can't afford this. It's huge! Pete smiles: Dude, this is heaven. Ain't no mortgages in heaven. It's all yours, babe. The old guy's brow knits and he gets his grump on.
Next St. Peter takes them to a balconey in the manse. The old couple look out on a verdant field of gently rolling hills dotted with triangular flags.
Whose golf course? asks the old guy longingly. Pete says, oh that? That's one of your private courses. Bobby Jones cooked it up for you. (speaking of which we're getting to the food angle soonish). One of them? says the old guy. Yeah says Pete. You now own several. Envy of heaven. Now the old guy looks righteously ticked off. He's steaming.
Finally St. Pete pushes two enormous doors wide open to reveal a massive banquet room with table after table laden with sinfully rich foods, desserts, drinks, meats, cheeses -- one whole table dedicated to fois gras. And the old guy really freaks.
I can't eat that stuff, he yells. I'll die of a heart att.... Wait!
That's right says Pete. You can eat anything you want up here. Never gain a pound. Much as you want. Nothin' but good eatin' and drinking.
Now the guy is furious.
Elmira! he shouts at his wife.
What's wrong, dear she says, sorta cowering.
If it weren't for your dam bran muffins we could have been here ten years ago!

The couple went to a Japanese restaurant to get to know each other, but she said,
"Let's hit the sake!"
and they left early.

jl, I almost died laughing.

A lady calls a snooty restaurant to make reservations and says; "By the way, do you serve children?" the reservationist replies, "Yes, we do, but chef says never beyond medium rare!"

Sorry about multiple posts, something wromg here! (maybe operator error, methinks!)

Not your fault. The blogware has been down. EL

A skeleton walk into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar raising some pints together when each notices that they have a fly in their respective beers. The Englishman discreetly removes the fly and daintily finishes his beer, the Irishman tilts his head back and slugs down the rest of his beer... fly and all, and the Scotsman grabs the fly by the wings and declares

" I saw an article in tha paper
where someone ate 3 dozen pancakes!"

"Oh, how waffle!"

OMG, cannibals! Yes! I meant cannibals.

Hee hee!

Two guys walk into a bar. One ducks

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About this blog
Richard Gorelick was appointed The Baltimore Sun's restaurant critic in September 2010. Before joining the paper staff fulltime, he contributed freelance criticism and features articles about food to area and regional publications. Along the way, he dispatched for short-distance trucking companies, shilled for cultural non-profits, and assisted in cognitive neurology research – never the subject, always the control.

He takes restaurants seriously but not himself, and his favorite restaurant is the one you love, too.

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