I'll have the eau de boeuf, thanks
All I can say is that this is my favorite Owl Meat Gravy guest post ever. EL
I sense a hint of black cardamom and a touch of Madagascar vanilla and ... what is that? ... gardenia? creosote? ... Oh my god! What is happening in my mouth? Grandma Mary, are you back from Heaven? Is that ... oh, someone just strafed the room with a cloud of old lady perfume. Your Windsong stays on my, Windsong stays on my mind .. because it's coating the back of my throat and sinuses. Puh, puh, gaaaaaahhhh.
Restaurants should ban perfume and cologne. No need for a law. Simply put up a picture of a skunk with a line through it.
An essential part of experiencing wine and food is aroma. Noxious odors ruin the experience. Some restaurants ban cell phones because they cause sensory pollution. An assault on your nose and mouth is worse than your ears, plus perfumes can trigger allergies and migraines.
Why do you want me to smell you? I think this new Luftwiffe bombardment is part of a trend of insensitivity to other's sensory privacy and autonomy. It's an assault of narcissism for people to broadcast the minutiae of their lives with Facebook, Twitter and text messages. In the past an I'm With Stupid t-shirt sufficed. I know that obnoxious cologne and perfume is not new, but it fits in with the new techno-narcissism. It's molecular tweeting ... twiffing.
I was eating dinner at the bar in a restaurant recently and a young guy sat next to me. I almost threw up from the olfactory assault of what seemed like Axe body spray, Irish Spring soap, Mennen Speed Stick, and recent congress with a goat. Suddenly my calamari fra diavolo became calamari Dundork and a massive headache ensued. You should only be able to smell someone you have intimate contact with. Hey dude in the O's cap, I don't like you like that.
My sensualist's caveat: If my girlfriend wore eau du pesto, I would not push her off the plate. To have my woman smell like food? Tasty. To have my food smell like old woman? Pass. I've never seen Jean Nate vinaigrette on a menu.
Perfume seeks to create an artificial sense of intimacy – with strangers. I can understand why prostitutes use it in that way – artificial intimacy is their cheddar. Hey, lady at the table next to me, if you need to flaunt your Jovan musk oil, save it for when you are walking your panther through the swamp at midnight. Right now I want full-on intimacy with my red snapper in tarragon white wine sauce.
Smell you later.
(Photo credit: Getty Images)