6,000 ways to say mediocre
There are two quotes from colleagues of mine that have gotten me through my work life intact. Former Sun reviewer John Dorsey once said, "If you make the slightest error, restaurant owners will fall upon you like a pack of ravening wolves," or words to that effect. And food columnist Rob Kasper told me famously, "To review you need 6,000 ways to say mediocre."
Now a third colleague (I refuse to think of him as an ex-colleague), John McIntyre, has issued a challenge. Welcome to my world, John. EL
A challenge: How well can you describe a banal restaurant meal?
A classic description appears in the first P.D. James novel Cover Her Face. Even though James is assisted by the quality of British cookery, can you top hers? ...
"Mrs. Piggott was reputed to take trouble with her soups. This was true in so far as the packaged ingredients had been sufficiently well mixed to exclude lumps. She had even experimented with flavours and today's mixture of tomato (orange) and oxtail (reddish brown), thick enough to support the spoon unaided, was as startling to the palate as to the eye. Soup had been followed by a couple of mutton chops nesting artistically against a mound of potato and flanked with tinned peas larger and shinier than any pea which had ever seen pod. They tasted of soya flour. A green dye which bore little resemblance to the colour of any known vegetable seeped from them and mingled disagreeably with the gravy. An apple and black-currant pie had followed in which neither of the fruits had met each other nor the pastry until they had been arranged on the plate by Mrs. Piggot's careful hand and liberally blanketed with synthetic custard."
I read the novel many years ago, and I still remember this queasy-making description. I would call it something stronger than "banal." EL
Comments
What is it with Brits and gravy? My English gravy used to make gravy so thick that you could either pour it in that crater in the mashed potatoes or, put the potatoes in the gravy. Same consistency!
Posted by: Eve | May 9, 2009 7:53 AM
I second your question Eve...What is it with Brits and gravy?
My brother-in-law (Brit) is an amazingly good cook at most dishes. However, the ONLY way he will make gravy is with the product "Bisto" which while not tasting too bad at first, comes back a 1,000 times within 4-6 hours making you wish you had just skipped the gravy altogether!
Posted by: Lone Lady | May 9, 2009 12:25 PM
As far as your challenge EL, I reply as follows:
We arrived
We were seated
We ate
We paid
We left
We MIGHT go back there someday.....
Posted by: Lone Lady | May 9, 2009 1:04 PM
Wow, Eve -- gravy that makes its own gravy? ;-)
Posted by: hmpstd | May 9, 2009 1:11 PM
Gordon's Ramsay's BBC version of Kitchen NIghtmares that spends a whole episode on bad gravy. Mysterious. The U.S. version is lame. If you can find it the BBC version is funny.(Bit Torrent) You get to see the horror of British food up close and toothless.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | May 9, 2009 1:17 PM
hmpstd, I think Eve meant to write about her English granny who made gravy.
Posted by: Dahlink | May 9, 2009 2:09 PM
Why do the English like gravy so much? The same reason that they don't eat corn on the cob – summer teeth.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | May 9, 2009 3:05 PM
I think the word "remarkable" goes a long way in certain circumstances.
Posted by: LEC | May 9, 2009 4:13 PM
What's the Dorothy Parker quip?... "it ran the gamut from a to b"
Posted by: Hue | May 9, 2009 5:30 PM
What do you say when you've had a miserable meal and have to face the cook? How about the line that a savvy publicist used on his client, a producer who'd just screened his latest fiasco? "Sandy," he said beaming jowel to jowel, "you've done it again."
Posted by: Michael A. Gray | May 9, 2009 6:37 PM
To borrow from Julius Caesar:
I came, I ate, I left.
Posted by: VoodooPork ■|:o) | May 9, 2009 7:00 PM
Or the discrete pediatrician, who when asked to admire someone's baby, would always say "Now THAT's a baby!"
Posted by: Dahlink | May 9, 2009 7:37 PM
Decades ago I read a novel called (I think) Someone is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe. As I recall the critiques of the so-called Great Chefs were terrific, complaining about (only!) A-game meals when A++ was expected.
Posted by: MD Canon (In Colorado for my Mother's birthday) | May 10, 2009 10:03 AM
My brother in law (who is an excellent cook btw) is known for "Andy's World Famous Boneless Pumpkin Pie"
Posted by: RayRay | May 11, 2009 9:36 AM
boneless pumpkin pie huh?
I wonder/shudder as to its ingredients. :-)
Posted by: PCB Rob | May 11, 2009 8:48 PM