Shrimp tails be damned
In today's guest post, our Shallow Thought Wednesday guru, John Lindner, examines one of the mysteries of modern restaurant cuisine and shows that the grumpier he gets the more erudite he gets. Is this the same guy who once reviewed gas station cuisine for us? EL
The Meta Review
Friday morning: I must have gained consciousness a half a beat later than my circadian metronome because I was “off” all day, like the lone nerd clapping out of time at a pep rally.
When this happens, I am on dangerous ground. Nothing aside from the eternal verities interests me. In fact, even the verities don’t interest so much as prod me, nudge me around like a game piece that lacks a designated function. I am at these times especially at odds with social fiction, the groupthink that rises like a colorless, odorless gas from popular media and breakfast conversations across the land. I have to try twice as hard to pretend my heart lactates human kindness.
It makes for a long day.
For times and humors such as these was fine dining developed. Perfection is illusive; but good restaurants prove it is worth pursuing, even, and especially, in the face of desultory post-postmodern nihilism: The paintings on the dining room walls may look like bugs on a windshield, but there is still art to be had from the kitchen.
So I dined out.
Our hostess’ demeanor gave me the impression that the role of seating patrons served as cover for her true vocation, that of painfully competent international political assassin. She moved with thin-lipped, squinty efficiency. Any hint of frivolity would suffocate within three feet of her personal space.
Our waiter was astutely personable. He read the night’s specials from notes, a subtle hint, I took it, that the dishes themselves would have no greater impression on our own cerebral scrapbooks.
In retrospect (hindsight makes asses of us all) we could have done without the perfunctorily conceived appetizers (clams blasé). The entree, however, satisfied; but it would not have inspired mention in this master suite of culinary blogdom were it not for the shrimp tails.
What in the name of Boswell’s Johnson compels a chef to tender a main course that, save for the hindmost fluted cap of a decapod’s exoskeleton, can be consumed in an otherwise civil fashion with appropriate utensils?
Surely aesthetics! But this was a dinner at the end of a hard week, not a photo shoot. (Well, it would have been a photo shoot if I’d remembered the camera, but I nonetheless contend that surreptitious snapshots fall squarely outside the standard rubric of food-porn magazine covers.)
No. To hold it impossible to strike balance between the sensitivities of eye and palate without abandoning a soupçon of decorum is worse than mere failure of imagination. It’s a treacherous cuff to the chin of human ingenuity. I had to use my damn fingers! What’s the rejoinder to that? “Would monsieur like a moist towelette?”
Sure, sure, I could have exerted some imagination to deal with the affront. But, as I previously confessed, I was having one of those days. I was seeking the comfort that only good food can deliver and was paying along the lines of a 400 percent mark-up on a bottle of mid-shelf plonk for the luxury of linen napkins and the privilege of eating with a fork.
I withhold the name of the restaurant not out of gracious chivalry, but rather self-defense.
I wasn’t kidding about the hostess.
Comments
An online moist towelette museum, really? Somebody had too much time on their hands!
Posted by: Michael Karelis | March 25, 2009 11:16 AM
Poor, poor John. I hope that all is better now. Some days are just like that.
Posted by: Regina | March 25, 2009 11:22 AM
One time I was out at some family dinner occasion and ordered Shrimp Fra Diavolo. I usually will try to de-tail-shell the shrimp with my fork and knife, but had one pesky tail that would not release. So, rather than just cutting through the end of the shrimp and leaving a portion of it inside the tail to be discarded, I grabbed the tail end and squeezed as I was biting on the head end. Well, the Fra Diavolo sauce made the tail a bit slippery, and my fingers slipped just as I freed the shrimp from the shell, sending the shell tail end spinning out of my hand and directly into my eye.
Not fun. I spent a majority of the rest of the meal in the restroom washing my eye out with cold water, and eventually, back at my table bawling my eyes out.
Posted by: TheBeav | March 25, 2009 11:25 AM
The woman in the video looks a little like a female version of Ann Coulter.
Posted by: sean | March 25, 2009 12:48 PM
Good one sean. Ot a human version.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy 2 – Dew Drop Inn | March 25, 2009 1:53 PM
sean - you're killin me here!
Posted by: Joyce W. | March 25, 2009 1:56 PM
TheBeav: First drink's on me, soldier.
Posted by: jl | March 25, 2009 2:02 PM
I think this was really written by Waldo Lydecker.
Posted by: Anonymous Mary | March 25, 2009 2:49 PM
I think this was really written by Waldo Lydecker.
Posted by: Anonymous Mary | March 25, 2009 2:50 PM
Thank you, thank you...
Posted by: sean | March 25, 2009 2:50 PM
I had an unscrupulous friend in college who had used up every excuse in the book for late papers for classes. He decided to create the appearance of a disabling illness this time. He rubbed a hot pepper in his eye. It worked, but a little too well and it swelled up and blinded him for a week. He also faked his own graduation for his entire family. You can guess what profession he eventually went into.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy 2 – Dew Drop Inn | March 25, 2009 2:50 PM
Humpf. I always thought shrimp was a cool food because it came with its own handle.
(Do y'all eat the tails back there? I do; Mrs. Bucky doesn't. So for me it's like getting two desserts when we both order shrimp.)
Posted by: Bucky | March 25, 2009 2:56 PM
The Moist Towelette Museum is priceless. I love the one that's "on loan".
Posted by: Laura Lee | March 25, 2009 3:09 PM
I was faced with shell on shrimp sitting in butter on Saturday night. I had to resort to fingers.
My wife was hit in the eye by a flying shrimp tail in a Japanese steak house in Memphis one Christmas evening. It wedged itself between her eyelid and her glasses. This was our first and last trip to a flying food restaurant.
Posted by: Elite Elephant Lover | March 25, 2009 3:21 PM
Much appreciated, jl. I'll have some of that bourbon they've been discussing over on the springs1 thread. I'll leave the choice of brand up to you - I trust your judgement
Posted by: TheBeav | March 25, 2009 4:20 PM
Does anybody think that moist towelettes smell like Froot Loops?
I went to school with Julio Child, Julia Child's grandson. He taught me her technique for removing tails without fingers. Stab shrimp meat with fork. Push knife down onto shell/meat area not quite at the intersection. Hold down and pull with fork.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy 2 – Dew Drop Inn | March 25, 2009 4:24 PM
Owl Meat -- good shrimp technique, bad cover story. Julia Child had no children, so Julio, and any other alleged grandchildren, must be figments of your (admittedly very fertile) imagination.
Posted by: hmpstd | March 25, 2009 5:49 PM
Sean it's just that sort of mean-spirited, politically incorrect retort that keeps me coming back for more D@L.
Posted by: jl | March 25, 2009 6:01 PM
Bucky, why am I not surprised? One of the optional videos for this post depicted a young woman eating a shrimp tail. It must save on toothpicks and flossing. I envy you both.
Posted by: jl | March 25, 2009 6:06 PM
The tails are the crunchy part. The crunchy part is the best part of any food, isn't it?
Posted by: Bucky | March 25, 2009 6:46 PM
jl, you sir are no Ann Coulter.
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy 2 – Dew Drop Inn | March 25, 2009 7:19 PM
You can guess what profession he eventually went into.
Umm...I'm guessing either economics or blogging?
Posted by: kimmer1850 | March 25, 2009 7:38 PM
Do you pull the beards off of department store Santas hmpstd?
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy 2 – Dew Drop Inn | March 25, 2009 7:48 PM
my profession guess would be either law or medicine, but it was probably acting.
Posted by: Joyce W. | March 25, 2009 7:52 PM