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December 27, 2008

The Comment of the Week: Why holiday cookies have no calories

HolidayCookies.jpgEven though Christmas is officially over, there are still a lot of cookies around. You'll feel better about overindulging if you remember Rosebud's 10 Rules for Cookie Eating. EL

Christmas cards went out yesterday and I only just baked last night for the first time for this holiday season.

I am so far behind on what I'd planned to do that I'm ready to give up and just eat the cookies I've made and forget about the rest.

My friend Terry came up with this for the cookies:

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free. ...

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you are making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free rule #1 is yours also.
It would be rude to let your friend sample alone, and being the friend that you are makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have 3 and green ones have 5 - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching Miracle on 34th Street have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
And finally...

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

Posted by: Rosebud | December 23, 2008 8:18 AM

(Photo from King Arthur Flour/Milwaukee Journal Sentinel/MCT) 

Posted by Elizabeth Large at 2:05 PM | | Comments (18)


I don't understand what happened! All those no calorie Christmas cookies seem to have turned into a muffin top!

Well JW, the only solution: Dance to the Muffin Top song ...

While we are on Muffin Tops, here's a great LIfesavers commercial on same:

When you're done playing here (and only then), drop by Facebook and join the Owl Meat Gravy group (Yes, I know I'm a ho ho ho.)

I'm currently hosting a Gordon Ramsay Hatefest with tasty appetizers and absolutely no beef Wellington or rih-ZAH-oh (that's risotto to the literate).

Owl - good links. I've seen the Lifesavers one before. I think it should win one of those awards for great commercials!

No Christmas cookies, fudge, candy, or any other goodies today thus far. I feel the muffin top melting....

My conference two weeks ago was in White River Junction, VT, just a hop skip and ski jump from the King Arthur Flour baking school, gift shop and mail order factory. I looked carefully, but couldn't distinguish the air vents that released either the yeasty aroma or the cinnamon aroma. It is very clear to me that the aroma therapy was calorie free, and awfully satisfying. The samples in the bake shop were flat out the best I have ever had in any factory store, and I am very happy with the double set of measuring cups (four regular, four odd sizes -- all for $4.00 less that the combined set) and the skinny, bottle friendly measuring spoons.

My biscotti seem happier for the experience.

I have one zero-calorie Christmas cookie rule.
1. If you need to lose weight, never eat one Christmas cookie. Eat twelve or more. No fewer. Between each cookie, cleanse your palate with strong black coffee or Coca Cola. The ensuing sugar shakes will burn off all the Christmas cookie calories and up to 110% of all calories you may have ingested over the past week. Therefore, eating fewer than twelve Christmas cookies could result in malnutrion, death, scurvy, and/or the ague. Remember, you must eat at least twelve.

I'm jealous, MD Canon. When I lived up that way, I never went to the King Arthur Flour place.

I did go to the Ben & Jerry's factory a few times. It was fun, and I still giggle at the signs pointing to the cows.

Lissa - I'm jealous! It's a dream of mine to some day get to the Ben & Jerry factory!

GREAT rules, Rosebud, but you forgot one: Calories are afraid of heights, so put cookies (or cake, brownies--whatever) on top of the fridge or on a high shelf, and the calories will jump out.

EL - SPAM at 5:38 AM on 12/08 thread...

Thanks! EL

Oh! great, These kind of sites are really helpful for searching good and useful.

Link spam at 8:11 AM! (A shill for an Australian used trailer website -- like that's going to be useful here.)

unfortunately we got to this place when we became the country of the super-morbidly obese. Nowadays, people think weighing 450 lbs is just fine. I mean, they can just have gastric bypass and fix it later, right? People in other countries starving to death and we're eating ourselves to death. Just no balance in the universe.
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About this blog
Richard Gorelick was appointed The Baltimore Sun's restaurant critic in September 2010. Before joining the paper staff fulltime, he contributed freelance criticism and features articles about food to area and regional publications. Along the way, he dispatched for short-distance trucking companies, shilled for cultural non-profits, and assisted in cognitive neurology research – never the subject, always the control.

He takes restaurants seriously but not himself, and his favorite restaurant is the one you love, too.

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