The worst food in America
This is such a good Funtastic Thursday from Owl Meat that I'm going to let him get away with shilling his blog not once but twice in one entry AND publish another weird photo that looks like he created it while on crack cocaine. Not to mention that my heart stopped when he linked to Porn Flakes. EL
It's been a busy week. While I have been collecting unusual and sometimes frightening food poetry over at the Owl Meat Apocrypha, I have been slacking on my funstasmic duties. Not too worry, I found a list that purports to name the very worst foods in America. None of them has murderous intentions or inspires sleeplessness, so how bad could they be? Killjoy rag Men's Health has come out with their list of "The 20 Worst Foods in America." Oh really? ...
20. Worst Fast-Food Chicken Meal - Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips from McDonald's (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce
That's not as bad as Popeye's Beaks n' Gizzards Supreme with Lard Poppers and White Gravy.
19. Worst Drink - Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 fl oz)
Not even close. The vodka and Ranch dressing shooters at the Dew Drop Inn are much worse.
18. Worst Supermarket Meal - Pepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie (whole pie)
No, the worst supermarket meal is always from the salad bar. You know which one. He or she puts a thin later of lettuce at the bottom and then ladles on flagons of creamy dressing, piles of hard-boiled eggs and bacon bacon bacon.
17. Worst "Healthy" Burger - Ruby Tuesday Bella Turkey Burger
Healthy burger? Get real.
16. Worst Mexican Entree - Chipotle Mexican Grilled Chicken Burrito
The worst Mexican entree that I've had was the Burrito Surprise at El Gato Loco in Oaxaca. ¡Sorpresa! It's a burrito, an actual little donkey. ¡Sabroso!
15. Worst Kids' Meal - Macaroni Grill Double Macaroni 'n' Cheese
They suggest the plain grilled chicken and steamed broccoli instead. And cue screaming child. I still say that Porn Flakes are worse, in a moral sense.
14. Worst Sandwich - Quizno's Classic Italian (large)
When your food is measured by the foot, you pretty much know what you're getting. Compared to a footlong Monte Cristo? I think not.
13. Worst Salad - On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef (Taco Bell)
Still better than their Spicy Goat Nugget Salad (discontinued).
12. Worst Burger - Carl's Jr. Double Six Dollar Burger
Not even close. I worked briefly as a cook some time ago and some drunk jerk complained that the burger was too expensive. Since I was quitting anyway, I did the only logical thing -- I made the biggest burger possible. My guess is that that bad boy weighed in at about two pounds and had eight pieces of American cheese and twelve pieces of bacon. And that was the first time I killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
11. Worst Steak - Lonestar 20 oz T-bone
The worst steak is no steak or overcooked steak. They say that you should never eat a T-bone steak no matter what size. I say make mine rare.
10. Worst Breakfast - Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes
Or the best breakfast ever. Can you melt some butter on that? Thanks.
9. Worst Dessert - Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream
Compared to a cheese cake milkshake with Bailey's? No chance. Don't laugh, a bartender made that once. Ice cream, a slice of cheese cake and lots of Bailey's in a blender. It was exactly as good as you would expect.
8. Worst Chinese Entree - P.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein
Not as bad as Golden Palace's Angry Crow Lo Mein that also haunts your dreams.
7. Worst Chicken Entree - Chili's Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce
Not nearly as bad as Hillbilly Pete's Weasels in Grease (well it tastes like chicken).
6. Worst Fish Entree - On the Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans
I'm starting to think that they have something against Taco Bell.
5. Worst Pizza - Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza
Yeah, if you eat the whole thing.
4. Worst Pasta - Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce
Now that's just straight-up pasta hating. I think the Alfredo Council™ must have paid them off.
3. Worst Nachos - On the Border Stacked Border Nachos
Come on, does anybody expect healthy nachos? The worst nachos are the ones where all the cheese comes off in one lump. Worse than that? When your friend gets that keystone tortilla chip.
2. Worst Starter - Chili's Awesome Blossom
You are in the United States, chowderheads. You shouldn't borrow food words or ideas from the English, anymore than you should take romance tips from, well, the English. They are appetizers! Besides, it has the word "awesome" right in the name. They couldn't lie.
1. The Worst Food in America - Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing
2,900 calories, 182 g fat, 240 g carbs
What, no bacon? They aren't even trying.
Good job, Men's Health. You are one step closer to convincing every man in America to wax his chest, draw in "six-pack" lines on his abdomen with an eyebrow pencil, and develop an eating disorder.