Today Owl Meat goes boldly where no man has gone before for his Funtastic Thursday, one of the most fun Thursdays we've had in quite a while. EL
Today is a grab bag of things rattling around in my head.
Wieners? Dogs? Wiener dogs?
Paging Dr Freud: Sometimes a giant wiener is just a ...car. If you have a desperate need to tour the country in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, now is your chance. Do you have "an appetite for adventure, a friendly personality and boundless enthusiasm"? They are accepting applications now.
I hate the word "gastropub." I think most of us do. So why are people labeling their businesses with this abomination? I was thinking that there are plenty of words that could be coined with "gastro," just not "gastropub." It has a particularly noxious macaronic quality.
Gastronaut. Cooler than "gourmand." Way cooler than "foodie." Go boldly indeed.
Gastrobot. Someone who orders the same thing at restaurant and never tries anything new.
Gastroknob. Habitué of Gastropub. Swirls his Belgian ale in a goblet like wine and hold it up to the light to admire. Uses the word soupçon way too much.
Gastro-Enterologist. That's a hostess.
Œnophile. A real word used by wine snobs. It sounds like the creepy guy with the van who asks kids if they want to see a box of kitties. If you describe yourself as an Œnophile, I probably don't like you. Suitable substitute? Wino? No. How about Grape Ape? Note: I used that cool oe character for extra pretension. It's a grapheme!
Have you heard servers pronounce "Beaujolais" like they are trying to scare you, as in "BOO-jolay"?
Did you know that Blue Moon is a fake craft brewery? Check the label next time and you will see that it is brewed in ... wait for it ... Golden Colorado. Yup, another sleight of hand from Coors. Remember when they had the fake Killian's Irish Red? Maybe they still do. I know of one bar that sold it as an imported beer -- imported from Golden Colorado. There was an excellent article in the New Yorker recently on Dogfish Brewery and the development of "extreme beers." It's a fascinating in-depth look at the magic behind real craft brewing.
Just as I was about to send this to EL, a strange thing popped up in my browser feeds. Today's FoodScope. What? It's a food horoscope. Aries, the stars compel you to eat a salad and a chicken sandwich today.
Revolting product alert: Howard's Crispy Fried Chicken Skins.
Because ... it's low carb? Even a gastronaut can go too boldly.
Product line that haunts my dreams: Dwight Yoakam's Family of Quality Foods. A whole family of foods from Dwight Yoakum! Finally -- inbred food. That's not nice. Culinary innovator Yoakum has really outdone himself. You like chicken fingers, but they're so daggone linear. Yahoo, belly up to the fryer for some Chicken Lickin's™ Chicken Rings Afire.
Chicken the way God intended -- in deep-fried breaded circles. And afire!
Dwight's Chicken Lickin's™ brand has an enormous number of products (none available at a store near me) including Chicken Fries, Buffalo Bites, Pizza Fries, Lanky Links™, Take 'Ems™ Lil' Joes, Take 'Ems™ Lil' Riblets, Take 'Ems™ Lil' Chicks, and Take 'Ems™ Macaroni Mouth Poppers. Mmm... it's about time someone marketed a macaroni mouth popper. "Take 'Ems"? That's what the marketing department came up with? Lanky Links sounds like a porno actor.
Oh, I can't end with that. How about some milk-sippin' fun with Kellogg's™ Froot Loops™ Cereal Straws?
Why? Because if we don't keep inventing and buying stupid stuff like this then the terrorists have won. That's why.
(Photo credit: Getty Images)