The Official 2009 Bucky Horoscope
I was depressed enough about 2008 to hope that 2009 would hold better things for me. It turns out that's not true, if I'm to believe my horoscope. And it's almost impossible not to, isn't it? (I'm a Pisces.) Thanks, Bucky. EL
The Official 2009 Bucky Horoscope
(And zodiac food selections, so I meet the “dining reference requirement.”)
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
New Year 2009 will be one that proves the old adage, “When one door closes, another one opens.” But not for you. When your door closes in 2009, you will be left standing out in the cold, in your bare feet. This year will be a composite of all your worst dreams: it will be like you are flying, naked, around your old high school, trying to find the room where you are suppose to take a test, while being chased by a mob of demons, all with big cigars.
You should avoid travel, relationships and, above all, career changes during 2009. It is a year full of promise and opportunity but—pay close attention here—not for you.
Zodiac food selection: Capricorn-on-the-cob ...
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
You will be put to the ultimate test in New Year 2009 when finance, romance, your career and your love of travel all intersect during a business trip with your married boss. Trust your instincts: insist on getting separate rooms—the added expense and lost promotion will be minor consequence compared to the alternative.
Zodiac food selection: Watermelon
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
New Year 2009 will be a time to jealously protect what you have and forego trying to improve your life in even the most insignificant way. You should make no new friends, travel nowhere you haven’t been before, eat only foods you ate during the 2008, cash your paychecks and keep your money in a washed-out peanut butter jar stashed in the back of your closet. Buy no new clothes; do not change brands of deodorant, shampoo or soap, even if others are buy-one-get-one-free. Do not read newspapers or magazines, watch any television, listen to radio, see any movies or engage in any conversations where you might learn something new. Take the same route to work each and every day.
“Status quo” is your mantra for 2009.
Zodiac food selection: Lemon Meringue Pisces
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
New Year 2009 is a perfect year for you to get a pet gerbil. The reason will not be apparent until well into 2010, but if you don’t do it, don’t come crying to us later when the light goes on inside that hat rack you call a brain and you finally understand why, for you, 2009 was “the year of the rodent.”
Zodiac food selection: Lamb chops
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
Early 2009 will provide unbridled opportunity as Happiness tippy-toes up behind you, taps you on the shoulder and whispers seductively in your ear, “I want you.”
When this happens, you will follow your normal instincts, spraying Happiness in the face with the little key-chain pepper spray that you carry to ward off attackers. You will then kick Happiness in the groin and run away, screaming at the top of your lungs, “Leave me alone! Police! Help! I’m being attacked by Happiness!”
The rest of the year would be a good one for staying at home and hiding under your bed.
Zodiac food selection: Ranch dressing
Gemini (May 21 to June 21)
Born under the sign of Gemini, you always run the risk of developing a dual personality disorder, so 2009 might be an opportune time for you to begin psychotherapy. Both of you.
Zodiac food selection: Hostess Twinkies
Cancer (June 22 to July 22)
In 2009 you should concentrate on your career and building a strong financial base, since you share the name of your astrological sign with a disease that requires vast sums of money to treat but is, nevertheless, often fatal even after spending all that money. You should just forget about romance and relationships since your astrological symbol—crab—is also the nickname of a sexually transmitted disease, making you largely unattractive to potential partners.
Zodiac food selection: Maryland crab cakes, of course
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
New Year 2009 will provide many opportunities to fulfill your wanderlust. You will be able to travel to near and distant places, seeing sights you thought you would have neither the time nor opportunity to experience. This is, of course, because your employer will file for bankruptcy early in the year and you will be laid-off in the resulting cost-cutting frenzy. But you should look at the glass as being half-full. Spend your severance and every last dime of your savings on travel. There’s a better-than-even chance you will be able to get another job next year. Or the year after.
Zodiac food selection: A big cut of beef, rare. No, rarer than that, even.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
New Year 2009 will be one of discovery for you. Because the wavelength of electromagnetic radiation corresponds to a specific energy, the wavelength of gamma rays emitted by silicon and sulfur atoms equals E...no, wait. That’s not astrology, that’s astronomy... Let’s start over. New Year 2009 will be one of discovery for you. You will identify the cloud of noxious gas around Uranus. No, wait...that’s not astrology, either. That’s a Wayne and Garth joke. Ha Ha Ha. Uranus jokes always crack us up. Ha Ha Ha. There’s another one, right there.
The coming year will be just like the past year, and every other year. You won’t accomplish anything of importance and you’ll be irritated and cranky most of the time. But you can be glad you aren’t a Capricorn or a Taurus, who will have a lot worse year than you.
Zodiac food selection: Bloody Mary, hold the vodka
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
Born under the sign of Libra, you are a Librarian. Go check out a book on astrology if you want to know what New Year 2009 has in store for you.
Zodiac food selection: Exactly 1.653 lbs. of chocolate
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
New Year 2009 is one of expanding horizons for Scorpions. You should take risks this year and do adventurous things you have never before considered doing. Jump out of an airplane. Climb a really high, pointy mountain. Learn how to sing hip-hop. Buy a motorcycle and ride it to work, ignoring all traffic signals that are a color beginning with a consonant. When the temperature goes below freezing, go outdoors and lick a metal surface. Cook and eat the legs of a reptile. Jam a pencil in your ear, just to see if it really hurts as much as it sounds like it would.
C’mon, Scorpion: 2009 is a time to start living life the way your mother told you not to.
Zodiac food selection: a Stinger (does anyone drink Stingers any more?)
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
Finance, relationships, career, travel—it doesn’t matter. All aspects of your year will be so totally and absolutely rewarding that all other zodiac signs will feel resentment toward you, beginning even as soon as they read this horoscope. Never mind them. It’s a time for relying on just one feeling. And for 2009, that one feeling should be smug self-satisfaction.
Zodiac food selection: In-N-Out Double-Double
(Photo courtesy of freeclipartnow.com)
Comments
As a Sag... I'm thrilled. I'm thinkin two double-doubles are in order right now. And, I'm going to get the New Year on track by adjusting my recipe for homemade, deep fried onion rings. (Double-double coating sounds about right on really, really thick Vidalia slices.)
I'm just not certain how to get into the smug mode...
I'm kidding. Smug is easy. It's the payback that's a bitch. Happy New Year, All.
Posted by: Brockelman | December 26, 2008 11:45 AM
Bucky, thank God you it's not creamed Capricorn.
Posted by: jl | December 26, 2008 11:59 AM
LOL! I'm totally cracking up at mine (Virgo). No one alive loves GI humor as much as I do and it's true already that "you’ll be irritated and cranky most of the time". I am in fact, irritated and cranky most of the time. The funniest is that I frequently order "Virgin Mary's" to stave off starvation before dinner!
Posted by: Joyce W. | December 26, 2008 1:07 PM
EL, sorry about the double posting of the cute creamed Capricorn comment.
Yo Bucky:
Famous Virgi:
Mother Teresa
Ingrid Bergman
Craig Claiborne
Raquel Welch
Buddy Holly
Peter Sellers
Otis Redding
Arnold Palmer
Lauren Bacall (Mmmm ... Lauren)
Famous Saggiartians:
Lucky Luciano
Howard Duff
Posted by: jl | December 26, 2008 4:04 PM
Well, Bucky, I'm just happy I have a few more days before I have to go hide under my bed.
Can we surmise that Bucky is a Sagittarean?
Posted by: Dahlink | December 26, 2008 4:15 PM
Dahlink - very perceptive of you
jl - Really, really famous Sagittarians:
Owl Meat Gravy
Bucky
Winston Churchill
Mark Twain
Jimi Hendrix
William F. Buckley
Katerina Witt (mmmm, indeed)
Posted by: Bucky | December 26, 2008 5:45 PM
Dahlink - no, wait. That's your 2009 horoscope. So you have a few more days before you have to start hiding under your bed.
Posted by: Bucky | December 26, 2008 5:59 PM
Irritated and cranky most of the time, am I?
You know, now I'm going to have a little extra burst of joy every time I'm happy, a little extra, "Ha!", as I defy your predictions. So you've already made 2009 a happier year than it otherwise would have been, thereby nullifying your own prediction.
So much for those Sagittarian successes.
Posted by: Abigail Carlson | December 27, 2008 12:03 AM
Yes, Bucky, I understand that it is the year ahead. I'm enjoying my last few days out from under the bed before I need to retreat.
Yesterday was my sister's birthday (no Capricorn-on-the-cob, thank you very much). Our toast at her birthday dinner was to defy Bucky's horoscopes and have much better years than he predicts.
Posted by: Dahlink | December 27, 2008 8:22 AM
Miss Abigail, it was the stars, not I, who predicted your year would be irritated and cranked. I personally, of course, wish nothing but boundless joy for you, if you somehow avoid freezing to death during your holiday trip home. (I'm making the assumption that "home" is the Big Square State with 10,000 lakes.)
My simple reporting of your horoscope caused you to resolve for greater joy and happiness in 2009.
As that is what I wish for you...Sagittarian success!
Posted by: Bucky | December 27, 2008 8:32 AM
Dahlink - I am, uh, honored to have been toast, or part of a toast, at your celebration. But I want to reiterate, I simply read the stars, I don't control them.
(And, my fault - I mis-read your comment.)
Posted by: Bucky | December 27, 2008 8:58 AM
Having been born under the sign of Aquarius, I am quite safe, as I would never go on a business trip with my boss and he is not married (for the third time). Gak!!!
Safe, I say. Safe, I am.
Posted by: Janet Morrissey | December 27, 2008 10:37 AM
Oh, and watermelon in February? I think not!
Posted by: Janet Morrissey | December 27, 2008 10:39 AM
In honor of my Gemini horoscope, I hereby change my name to Cosmo
Girls!
Posted by: Cosmo Girls | December 27, 2008 12:28 PM
Janet wrote: my boss ... is not married (for the third time)
What a great way to put that.
Cosmo Girls - good idea. I think you two have pushed the Girls to the lead in the Girls vs. Roberts race.
Posted by: Bucky | December 27, 2008 3:38 PM
How'd I turn back into Janet?
Posted by: Rosebud | December 27, 2008 3:50 PM
Cosmo Girls? Oh no. Well at the next Owl Meat Jamboree you will then have to drink enough so that there are two of me. Does that imply that Gemini women are double crazy? I think I already know the answer.
Posted by: Owl Meat Göttersonnenuntergang | December 27, 2008 4:16 PM
Rosebud - maybe you are really a Gemini.
Posted by: Bucky | December 27, 2008 6:13 PM
Gee, so glad I have a birthday in a couple of days. Lucky Capricorn I am.
Posted by: BaltFoodie | December 27, 2008 8:14 PM
Owl: I am already a double Gemini, cos I have a twin sister. So am I triple crazy?
Posted by: Cosmo Girls | December 28, 2008 1:09 AM
CG, wouldn't that be quadruple crazy?
Posted by: Dahlink | December 28, 2008 7:54 AM
So am I triple crazy?
Nah, separate bodies. You could be triple crazy for other reasons though.
Posted by: Owl Meat Göttersonnenuntergang | December 28, 2008 10:04 AM
Good point Dahlink!
Posted by: Cosmo Girls | December 28, 2008 10:49 AM
Cosmo Girls, being a twin makes it two times two, which means quadruple. That just makes you more endearing.
No offense meant...I'm a Gemini, too, and sometimes I DO believe there are two of me.
Posted by: Dottie | December 31, 2008 12:48 AM
Remember - The stars impel, they do not compel. We have been given Free Will so we can go against type and knowingly do things that are not good for us, like my having that piece of chocolate covered cheesecake tonight.
Happy New Year to all no matter what your orientation, Horoscopic or otherwise.
Posted by: Retired in Elkridge | December 31, 2008 9:55 AM
Back at ya, RiE!
Posted by: Dahlink | December 31, 2008 10:34 AM
If we have been given Free Will then it is not free. That implies that a god forced it on us. And part of that gift is an obligation. Nothing is free.
Posted by: Owl Meat GoAway | December 31, 2008 11:08 AM
OK, Sandbox...time to come up with things that really ARE free. Extra credit if they are related to food.
Posted by: Bucky | December 31, 2008 11:32 AM
Bucky,
How about those free samples of food offered in food stores, especially places like Sam's Club?
Posted by: PCB Rob | December 31, 2008 12:31 PM
The inference being, I guess, that Martin doesn't consider ME to be a professional astrologer.
Humpf.
Posted by: Bucky | January 13, 2009 9:18 AM
The comment above is just an ad. You should delete it
Thanks. I'm away from my computer one hour and look what happens. I'm going to leave your comment to encourage people to let me know in case I miss one. BTW, is this really you? (No e-mail.) EL
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | June 1, 2009 6:15 AM
EL -- you probably need to delete the "Martin" 1/13/09 comment as well as the "Jake" 6/1/09 comment; both appear to be shills, and I bet the first comment probably led to the posting of the second comment.
Thanks. EL
Posted by: hmpstd | June 1, 2009 7:04 AM
I'm not me
Posted by: Owl Meat Gravy | June 1, 2009 7:44 AM
We need a flagging system, like Metafilter has.
You guys are my flagging system. :-) Actually, I can set the spam filter, or rather Multimedia Mary can, but when it was set at 2 out of 10, it filtered out ALL the comments, even hers, as spam. It's now set at -1. EL
Posted by: Lissa | June 1, 2009 8:02 AM
Systems? More systems? Damned liberals.
Posted by: creeping marxist state | June 1, 2009 9:08 AM