What kind of pizza eater are you?
Owl Meat is back in full feather this week. In today's Funtastic Thursday he asks this provocative question: What kind of pizza eater are you? EL
Look at the happy couple, let's call them, uh, Falcon Loin Au Jus and Sourmash Girl. Pizza only enhances their love-wonderment. Yes, it makes them slightly pixilated and oversaturated, but even still, that's pizza amore just like when the moon hits your eye.
Here's some pizzatastic vids to warm up your gastro-cockles.
PIZZA-LA ... a Japanese pizza commercial -- predictably odd, weirdly cute, slightly frightening. Dig it up gai-jin. Can you ID some of the whack toppings dancing around? I can't. And why is Pizza crying? All theories welcome.
Pizza Elmo - scary and annoying. Elmo must be stopped. This is how Pol Pot started.
David Sedaris delivers a pizza. David Sedaris is funny, but I wouldn't want to be his pool boy.
Vertical pizza - it could happen.
I have seen people eat pizza in a lot of different ways. What kind of pizza eater are you? Or do you do something totally different? For this particular purpose I'm only thinking of round pizzas.
(1) Do you start with the pointy end?
(2) Do you eat the crust first?
(3) Do you stop at the crust?
(4) Do you fold it in half?
(5) Do you use a knife and fork?
(6) Do you roll it up?
(7) Do you use the crust to dip into something else?
(8) Do you pick the toppings off and eat them first?
I witnessed the most puzzling pizza technique in Baltimore. I watched a Dutch dude roll slices of pizza into weird big fat cigars and eat them out of his fist. It was like watching a flying monkey or Hugh Jackman at a spelling bee.
The stupidest pizza order I've witnessed was in Baltimore, too. I was at Little Italy's Isabella's right before one of the insanely crowded free Italian film festival Friday nights. This is where cheapskates from miles around bring lawn chairs to sit in the street or an asphalt parking lot that is radiating August heat like Cerberus in a gelateria to watch Moonstruck.
Isabella's is stretched to the limit during such events. A man came in and ordered a pizza, but didn't want it right then. He wanted it to come out of the oven in exactly 50 minutes to coincide with the arrival of his friends. Obviously they couldn't accommodate that with orders coming in constantly, yet he persisted. No luck, plus the guy standing behind him was laughing derisively in support of the beautiful and harried flour-dusted Russian counter girl.
Now for the weird part. He wanted his large round pizza to be cut into squares. By this point the conceptual and linguistic limits of floury Russian girl were exceeded. The guy standing behind him muttered something about Anaxagoras. By this point Laughing Guy was practically choking as three different people try to explain that a circle cannot be cut into squares. Sweet Fancy Euclid!
The oddest pizza behavior that I've seen happened in high school. I was chillaxing with my boyz in a booth at the local Hut and a man came in with a ventriloquist's dummy. He lovingly seated the dummy opposite him in the booth. He had the waitron set up a place setting and a glass of water with a straw for the dummy. He ordered a pizza, ate it and conversed with the dummy as if they were on a date. Pizza love sure comes in many styles.
(Photo courtesy of Getty Images)