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October 23, 2008

Flavored air

MonkeyBoy.bmp

 

I bet you thought Owl Meat had forgotten us again. Not so. Here he with yet another funtastic Thursday treat for us. You Could Not Make This Stuff Up. EL

 

I woke up yesterday dreaming of monkey bread at the ominous time of 4:56 a.m. Cat Power was counting down singing "Ground Control to Major Tom," and my first thought was "flavored air." 
 
A day that starts like that can only end in a complete meltdown, which it did. I found this product, flavored compressed oxygen from Big Ox, that comes in these dubious "flavors": mountain mint, citrus blast, polar rush, tropical breeze and rainbow.  My pet unicorn JingleJangle says that rainbow is his favorite flavor. ...

Everybody needs a buddy.  Bubbles are fun. Bacon is great. But does anyone need a Bacon Bubble Buddy?  It's a bubble gun that shoots bacon-flavored bubbles (with barbecue-chicken bubble refills).  The suggested use is for your dog, but I wonder how many humans are sitting around trying it out themselves.  Downside: eating soap bubbles.
 
Finally, there is an evil product called David Burke Flavor Spray. You spray a little flavor mist on food and it's magically delicious. They promise that "After eliminating toppings, gravies, dressings, and sauces, Flavor Spray replaces the flavor that diets forbid. No longer will you crave sweetness or yearn for flavor ..."  Yeah, just like food methadone.  Some may think of David Burke as a hero, but I call him Captain Hitler-Stalin ... a world without toppings, gravies, dressing, and sauces?  That's the level of Hell where Caligula is currently buried up to his neck in lava. 
 
The idea that "ranch" is a flavor baffles me, given that ranches smell like manure and effort.  Their "ranch" flavor is composed of water, natural and artificial flavors, salt, and sodium benzoate.  Actually, those are the ingredients for all flavors.

Other flavors:  Parmesan cheese, buttery, pesto, tomato basil, smoked bacon, carmelized onion, ketchup, popcorn butter, bleu cheese, cheddar cheese, honey, garlic and oil, hot and sour, ice blue salt (what?), Memphis BBQ, pepper city (really?), teriyaki, banana split, birthday cake, chocolate fudge, cookies & cream, marshmallow, mochaccino, raspberry bubblegum, root beer float, strawberry shortcake, cheesecake, apple pie, raspberry chocolate truffle, and peanut brittle.
 
I would use the bacon spray as an air freshener or cologne.
 
Happy birthday, Johnny.  You're too fat for cake this year, so let me spray some cake smell on a plastic fork for you.  What exactly would you spray root beer float flavor on?  My guess is that there are a bunch of crazed dieters out there just spraying it in their mouth or huffing it like model airplane glue from a paper bag.   

Photo credit: Getty Images
 

Posted by Elizabeth Large at 10:40 AM | | Comments (28)
        

Comments

OMG, unfortunately the Bacon Bubble Buddy seems to be gone from this world. Following the link from you link gives the dreaded "Page Not Found" error. Sigh. Now I'll never know if the bacon flavor overcomes the soap used to make the bubbles.

Have to agree on the uselessness of the Flavor Sprays on food. If you want any of the flavors, why not just use the real thing?

Now using the bacon as a cologne makes sense. I mean. if some zaftig women in a nut commercial drives men crazy by rubbing a cashew nut on certain body parts, imagine what bacon would do!

if some zaftig women in a nut commercial drives men crazy by rubbing a cashew nut on certain body parts, imagine what bacon would do!

My dog would follow you down the street. (He'd follow you down the street anyway, but for this, he'd claim good reason.)

The Bacon Bubble Buddy link works from here. At least for some value of "works". It's a horribly sluggish website.

RiE, here's another link for Bubble Buddy - now wth peanut butter bubbles.

http://www.activedogtoys.com/bubble_buddy.html

I don't know if you can induce mental illness in a dog, but this seems like a good start.

About 10 years ago I was in Phipps Mall in Buckhead-outside Atlanta. They had an oxygen bar in there, where people would pay to breathe flavored air.

The place was full too. I thought it a waste of money.

The Sandbox has been maligned on Mr. McIntyre's blog.

Though You Don’t Say is a humbler operation, with a more [cough] select audience than the TV, dining or sports blogs at baltimoresun.com, here too can be found enemies who validate the enterprise.

You have to marvel at the people who go to the trouble to patent and produce such useless stuff as food flavored spray. Although my girlfriend did once find and we thought about purchasing, ahem, how shall I say this "flatulance" in a can. Now That's something you could have some fun with!

BTW, Owl, have you heard Peter Schilling's Major Tom (Coming Home)? It's a good one.

The Flavor Spray website included a testimonial from Le Gourmet Chef, a chain of kitchen stores, one of which is in the Mall at Columbia. My recollection is that they put out a lot of samples of dips and salsas and such. Maybe we should mount a field trip so that we can condemn the sprays a posteriori rather than just a priori.

I wouldn't use the sprays as food substitutes, but I was considering getting one for food terrorism. Imagine walking past somebody's desk that you don't like and giving them a shot of pizza scent to distract them.

Also, I do not know what ice blue salt is and I'm wasn't aware that salt had an aroma to humans.

I am reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry stuffs mutton in Elaine's jacket and she gets attacked by dogs on her way home.

There are few possibilities for good with Flavor Spray, but the possibilities for mayhem are increasing.

Peter Schilling's Major Tom

I've heard that a million times bt never knew who it was. Thanks

Well I just don't know what to think about this testimonial below:

To Whom It May Concern.
Thank you so very much for your wonderful product.
My father has a condition which does not allow him to eat food by mouth anymore.
As a direct result of your product my father''s quality of life has dramatically been enhanced.
Your product is allowing him to enjoy the taste of food in his mouth once again.

No need to bust out the Latin Canon, just because McIntyre lumped us in with the lumpen sports and TV cretins. I for one am quite offended a capite ad calcem.

I like some sports, but I'm not so fond of TV. Except when the Olympics or the Red Wings are on (which they never are here).

Besides, we can be pretty low-brow here. The difference is we get pretty high-brow sometimes.

Carrying that analogy too far, I guess that means that Sun blogs that are more consistent in tone are unibrows.

Trish and Nathan Beverage set up a flavored oxygen bar at Midtown Yacht Club.
Shortly thereafter they sold the place.


Why is ranch so popular with Americans? It may be one of the most overrated foods of all time.
Oh and those places that serve ranch with wings instead of blue cheese....oh, now I'm just rambling.

You have inspired me to do a post on ranch dressing tomorrow. Stay tuned. EL

OMG ... sorry! I wasted my undergrad time in philosophy and now, long after, had simply forgotten where the Latin/English line was (though for a hoot, take a capite ad calcem and run it through an internet translation program).

Who's McIntyre? Did I miss something on the road this week?

Gee, hubby and I were at Le Gourmet Chef on Saturday, and we didn't see any Flavor Spray. Gosh darn, my life is ruined :-(

ROAD TRIP -

Go visit You Don't Say and leave Mr McIntyre a little bon bon from the Sandbox (Mr OMG is exempted from this friendly exercise since, despite the visual evidence he himself provided, he hates Sandboxes. [Perhaps it was being forced to be soooo fashion forward at such a young age.])

... and you can order Flavor Spray online but NO BACON. Bastards. I told you they weere evil.

Not gonna let that go, are you RtSO? Here's my objection restated in this context: " a little bon bon from the Sandbox" sounds a lot like a piece of cat poop from a litter box, which is sometimes a box of sand.

I've been eating more duck to develop my god complex so that I can come up with some less craptacular monikers.

RtSO: I took your challenge and left a sweet little message for that traitor Mr. McIntyre.
Sandboxer's: a call to arms! Rise up and defend the monarchy! Off with their heads!

Here's my objection restated in this context: " a little bon bon from the Sandbox" sounds a lot like a piece of cat poop from a litter box, which is sometimes a box of sand.

In that case, Owl Meat, have I got a recipe for you!

Oh Jobless Cutie: your McIntyre post is a hoot.

hmpstd,
I had forgotten all about that recipe. Good Job!

And while I'm at it, Susan's post over at the word guy's blog is great.

Mine, not so much.

The last time we saw you you looked so much older. Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder.

Weird. I just got this email from Overstock.com, which reads in part:

Robert,
Overstock.com recommends:
Big Ox Flavored Oxygen Power Up Canisters

Improve your athletic performance with Big Ox Flavored Oxygen
Cans of oxygen rich air to fill your lungs with a breath of fresh air
Flavored air for activities from track and field to camping

Are they watching us?

Nice come backs to McIntyre, Foodies! Gave me a good laugh this morning despite having the deep middle of the head pain of an on-going sinus infection!

I prefer little oxen. More tender. You don't want big, tough Ox molecules tearing up your delicate nasal passages.

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About this blog
Richard Gorelick was appointed The Baltimore Sun's restaurant critic in September 2010. Before joining the paper staff fulltime, he contributed freelance criticism and features articles about food to area and regional publications. Along the way, he dispatched for short-distance trucking companies, shilled for cultural non-profits, and assisted in cognitive neurology research – never the subject, always the control.

He takes restaurants seriously but not himself, and his favorite restaurant is the one you love, too.
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