This part of the post is important:

It worked out to be about $500 each, whether you ate like a killer whale or just had a little miso soup and rice. Our hero in the story put down $50 and walked out, only to get an e-mail from her "friend" saying she owed the birthday girl $450 so she could have the birthday spa day she wanted.

So that's $3450 split 7 ways?

When I lived in St. Thomas, the condo association sent around a letter, saying that we should conserve water, because if we ran out of the rain water reserve they would have to buy water by the truckload and that expense would be spread to everyone. So if I want more water the cost is shared by a 100 other people? Fill up the jacuzzi Harriet, the neighbors are paying!

BTW whenever you are at some Caribbean hotel, you are drinking untreated iguana poop roof runoff water. Slainte!

To ask someone to pony up $500 for a dinner (or to pitch in for a spa day) is a bit too much. Unless these people are extremely wealthy.

But if their wealth wasn't inherited, they no doubt amassed that wealth by not buying $500 dinners.

I agree with EL's solution and perhaps you can only blame yourself for attending such a party at a place where prices are steep. Must have been a lot of Dom Perignon flowing.

I've been through one of these. There was a private room, a set menu, then the check was split - very awkward.

As for asking first, how do you do that with class? "Should I bring my checkbook?", "will there be free food?", "Is this a trap where you make us pick up the tab on the expensive bottle of wine you picked out to celebrate the occassion?" :D

Good point, but maybe it's better to be awkward than secretly resentful afterwards. Sometimes just asking straight out is the best way. EL

My Uncle Larry had an experience like this once...

He also slapped down a $50 (which covered his meal, drink, tax and tip) and walked out.

As to the $450 gift, he gave that to the birthday girl the next day and said, "I didn't give you this last night at the dinner, because I didn't want the others feeling cheap, but I want you to have a nice, relaxing day at the spa."

I assume when going out for a friend's birthday that the birthday person does not pay. However, before I say yes, I take into consideration the restaurant. We don't dine at restaurants where you would rack up a $3k bill (unless you were there for 3 days). And if the restaurant is the least bit pricey and I don't feel that I have the money, I don't go.

Or you can even tell the host that you have somewhere else to be, stop by, get a drink at the bar (pay for it yourself), take it to the table, stay for a few minutes, but don't eat. You're putting in an appearance, showing you care, but not breaking the bank.

In addition, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what other people are ordering (esp in a party of 7). If you see them ordering hundreds of dollars worth of food, you discreetly talk to the host and explain that you were not prepared for that kind of meal and you will happily pay for your portion. Worst case when the check comes, you explain that it is not fair to split the entire check, as not everyone ate the same amount. You pay for your meal and throw in whatever amount you like towards the birthday person's meal.

After years of having to put up with this nonsense, I have an unrelenting hatred of large group dinners. Invariably, you have the person that won't tip and the alcoholic surf and turf twins who view it as an exercise to order the most expensive thing on the menu and pass the cost on to their "friends."

These days, it's much saner for me to do smaller dinners (6 or less please), with close friends. Much less drama regarding the splitting of bills.

Bucky -- LOL. My Uncle Larry had an experience like this once...

I'm assuming this one was for Gailor's entertainment?

Our group of friends handles birthday dinners this way - each one, other than the birthday girl or boy, pays for what they ordered and then all split what the birthday girl or boy has.

The only time the bill was really high was for our group of 12 at Fago de Chao.

I have no idea how high the bill was since I was the birthday girl in question and it was all covered anyway by one very lucky good friend.

Cheese Girl - ;-)

This reminds me of celebrations at Russian restaurants. The process is a little different though, the organizer actually picks up the tab for everyone - which could very easily surpass $3K, depending on the number of guests. That said, the guest is expected to bring a gift, often cash - the polite thing to do is to at the "very least" cover the expense for the meal and drinks, which often is in the neighborhood of $100/person. One last thing worth mentioning though, often these parties involve enough food and vodka to keep everyone eating and drinking until the early hours of the morning.... worth every penny :)

Where I used to work, when we had going-away or retirement parties, er, luncheons, we would usually get the restaurant menu ahead of time and have folks pre-order and, most importantly, prepay. If you had other than coffee, iced tea, or soda, you payed by the drink. Maybe not the best thing for a birthday party, and more work for the organizer, but it made sure there was enough money at the end (tax, tip, and some money for the guest of honor' lunch was included).

I like to add another layer of complexity to this type of situation by asking the waiter if this restaurant accepts the Entertainment Card.