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September 18, 2008

Red, white and blue bottoms up!

rwbcocktail.bmpThis Funtastic Thursday needs no introduction, so I'll turn it directly over to Owl Meat:

"Welcome to another All-American Funtastic Thursday, faithful groms and gromettes. Last week's Political Sandwich edition seemed popular, so if you are munching on a Dennis Kusandwich, which is rather dry, you are going to want a cocktail  to wash it down and dull the depression of having made that choice (secret shout out to Monkey Girl).
Barack Obama says that he likes a beer at a baseball game and Hillary Clinton looked like a frat house townie chick on spring break chugging Presidente beer  (irony alert) from a bottle and doing shots of Wild Turkey on the campaign trail. Woo hoo, you deserve a few, girlfriend, it ain't easy being green.
John McCain says that his favorite cocktail is Stoli on the rocks. His time in the Hanoi Hilton gets him a lifetime free pass on practically everything, but that's not a very American drink, Comrade McCain. I'm not suggesting that he is a brain-washed automaton like in The Manchurian Candidate. I'm not saying that at all. Really. It's not like he picked an unknown zealot running mate from that country above Canada, who brags that she can see Russia from the semaphore tower at her Alaskan dacha, er..., home.  

That's crazy talk. ...


John McCain
- The YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN! - Old Grand Dad and Ensure in a World's Best Grandpa mug.  Be careful.  Too many of these will make you handsy.

Barack Obama - The BARACKO BOMB - Chilled shooter of vodka, Red Bull, and Jaegermeister ($8.50).  Pay for this in cash and you will get change.  Sí se puede.  (Does it bother anybody that this clearly doesn't translate to "Yes, we can" as they claim?)
The SCHADENFREUDIAN SLIP aka the DOW JONES TANKINI  - What kind of fancy-pants elitist uses words like Schadenfreude?  Well, I do.  How do you explain the Three Stooges?  I love that only German could have a word for shameful joy.  Like Obama, this drink becomes more popular the worse the economy gets.  Grapefruit juice, Ciroc vodka, grenadine and a dash of bitters.

Sarah Palin - She gets more than one drink because

My VPOTUS wants to party all the time
    Party all the time
    party all the time
    My VPOTUS wants to party all the time
    party all the time

The SARAH-TONIN - Much like its homonyminous (?) neurotransmitter ... it stimulates pleasure but not for long.  It's a scoop of snow in a pretty glass.
The PALIN-DRONE - It gives you that dull existential ache when you realize that the Vice President sounds like the sheriff from Fargo when speaking to Vladimir Putin.  Rail gin, bitters and Ouzo.  Also creates a mind-blowing hangover that lasts four years that you can't get rid of even if you chew your arm off.  
Actual palindromes for today:

Live not on evil

Rise to vote, sir!

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era.
Yes, drawn by dog sled to the new era ... the new 19th century, where women are muklukked and oven-bunned all the time.  Get me some more moose antler powder, woman!  It's time to get you poppin' fresh again.

Joe Biden - The CHIA SENATOR -  A boilermaker and Propecia.  I find it hard to get the funny on this one, because I think he would be a blast to have a beer with.
Hillary Clinton  - The INEVITABILITINI - vodka, Apple Pucker, bitters, sour mix, and a splash of Tabasco.
Bill Clinton
- The MARGARITA FIESTA - One margarita sits on your lap, another dances and you do body shots off  the third.   ¡Olé!  
Bill Richardson - The STEALTH MEXICAN - Pimms and soda with a cucumber slice and a slice of orange.  Sometimes called the TOASTED WASP.  (You know, because of his name.)
Al Gore
- Sorry but who would buy Captain Buzzkill a drink?  86 for you, my gloomy veep.

George W. Bush - The MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - An 85-ounce Cabo Wabo margarita served in a ten gallon hat.  Take one sip, yell 'Why don't you love me, Daddy?' and leave the tab and the rest of the drink for the next guy.  Served with a bowl of crunchy Empty Promises tortilla chips.

Dick Cheney -  The SNARLY SHOOTER - A shot of Wild Turkey tossed in your friend's face,  aka the FRENEMY.  Served with a mini Snickers bar.
Condaleeza Rice - The PETER PRINCIPLE - A 3 ounce Stoli martini in a 12-ounce glass, aka the ANTI-GRAVITY because after a few you fall upwards.
Mike Huckabee
- A Deep Fried Shirley Temple - How is that possible?  The same way cavemen riding dinosaurs is.  
Mitt Romney - The MORMON SURFER - It's a stiff drink and nobody really knows what goes into it.  
John Edwards
-  The D-BAG - One part self-made populist, three parts jackass, one too many shots of Southern Comfort and a dash of dash.  After you realize that you bought one of these you want to vomit and get your money back.

Mr. Caribou Barbie -  the dude with the awesome "snow machine" chops and frat boy goatee - THE COUGAR-WHIPPED - A little of this and that in a small glass because it doesn't amount to much, although it does have prodigious potency.
Palin's 16-year-old daughter's baby daddy  - The SLAP SHOT- Red Bull, Enzyte, Extenze, Captain Morgan, and misguided high-fives.   Chill well until after the election.
Karl Rove - What spirit fuels this chrome-pated Baby Huey from the Pit of Ultimate Darkness and gives him the energy to command his political Army of Darkness and beckon John McCain to the Dark Side?

Answer: THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT - Just like a  Bloody Mary, but add some actual infant blood (type Oh So Negative) and a double shot of stem cells. Sip slowly while stroking a cat.
Today's theme song is Randy Newman's classic 'Political Science,' the tongue-in-cheek take on Anti-Americanism that seemed dated by the 1990s.  Well thanks for bringing it back, Dubya.

No one likes us - I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens
We give them money-but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them
Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us
We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too
Boom goes London and boom Paris
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me
They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now

Belly up, political mixologists. Give me your tired and your pours, huddled massively against the bar (make up your recipes). I would be disappointed if someone didn't make an Owl Meatini.

Mmmm .. very owlie."

(Photo courtesy of

Posted by Elizabeth Large at 11:01 AM | | Comments (42)


I think Sí, se puede would literally translate as Yes one can, or Yes it can be done, but the sense is the same as Yes we can.

So no, I'm not bothered!

Can I have a Prairie Fire?

Eric, THAT's what you focussed on? I love it. You just never know what will tickle people.

OMG - Thanks for a much needed laugh. What's not to like about a Chia Senator?

Mr. Caribou Barbie -- Have you seen the CNN clip where Greta Van Susteren is interviewing him, and mangages to say First Dude, oh, about a zillion times. (Only a slight exageration.)

Too funny, Owlie!

First dude? Good find Fille de Fromage. Wow, Greta is just a horrible hateful Scientologist. She does say "first about 80 times". I thought I might be too mean to the dude, but now that see him "talk" I don't feel bad at all. Frighteningly inarticulate, possibly a seal in a human suit.

The Gary Hart:
kahlua, tequila, milk -top with cola and cream.
AKA Colorado M-Fer

The Michael Dukakis- served in a really small glass it seems halfway decent. When placed in a tank - the full lame-ness of it comes out and you want to send it back.

When I was formulating the John Edwards, I did start with the Gary Hart in my head, I just made it more ass-hatty. I was glad that the post had a deadline or I was tempted to just keep writing until Christmas. Now the world will never know how to make a Warren G. Harding.

I can't believe I found this. Al Stewart (Year of the Cat") once recorded a song called Warren Harding. That has to win some award for the most ridiculous topc for a Scottish folky ever. And someone put it on YouTube. Oh happy day.

I'm listening to it now and just got shivers. Why does it have a semi-calypso beat and steel drums? I feel like I just fell into a Zen-hole. I'm posting the lyrics because it is so surreal.

I'm leaving my home in Europe behind
Heading out for a new state of mind
New York town is calling to me
Dollar an hour from the company

Warren Gameliel Harding
Alone in the White House, watching the sun
Come up on the morning of 1921
I just want someone to talk to
To talk to
To talk to

I've got no shoes upon my feet
I've been all day with nothing to eat
It sure gets hard down here in the street
But I know where I'm going to be

Warren Gameliel Harding
Playing cards in a smoke-filled room
Winning and losing, filling the time
I just want someone to talk to
To talk to
To talk to

Don't go down to the docks tonight
The cops are nosing around for the site
We moved the booze just before daylight
They won't find it now, it'll be alright

Warren Gameliel Harding
In Alaska running out of days
Leaving the ladies, God moves in strange ways
I just want someone to talk to
To talk to
To talk to

Don't leave me here on such a lonely day...
Don't leave me here on such a lonely day

I wonder if he did anything on Chester A. Arthur?

Point to bryanintimonium! You nailed it!

Great post, Owl. Kept sneaking peaks at work all day today and hiding my laughter from the other cube farm inhabitants!

BTW, agreed that the Harding song is weird but have you heard the latino samba version of Smoke on the Water (Fume en la agua - I think...)?

Thanks Joyce. I will check out it out.

Humo en el Agua

Señor Coconut and his Orchestra SMOKE ON THE WATER

My mind is blown.

Oh man, I used all my material on that sandwich post last week. I wish I would have known this was coming. I would have held something back.

Just one question on the Joe Biden: the active ingredient in Propecia is soluble in "lower alcohol solvents" but not in water. Does that mean you drop the tablet into the whiskey before you drop the shot glass in the beer, or do you drop the tablet into the beer and then hit it with the shot? I get so confused, and I am sincerely afraid of any unusual side effects.

Right now I am imagining how Propecia would work best. Remember the Bugs Bunny cartoon with Elmer Fudd that is set to the music from the Barber of Seville? At one point Bugs puts some hair tonic on Elmer's head, massages it in with his hands (and feet) and flowers sprout from his scalp. And now the music is in my head.

Oh RoCK. You thought YOU were out of material? Imagine my state. Some days I think that there will never be another original thought in my head and I will do nothing but sit in a corner and say "I like turtles".

And now the hangover ...
FILE UNDER: You'd be miserable too if you'd married that guy you banged twice in high school

Bristol Palin and her fiancee Levi Johnston were seen looking unhappy together at a Sarah Palin event. HuffPost OfftheBus'er Donald Mitchell describes the expectant parents as such:

"But not once did they look at each other, speak to each other, or in any way acknowledge each other's physical presence. Not once. For an entire hour. Instead, Bristol stared straight ahead and Levi had the glazed look of a trapped feral animal."


Sweet sassy molassey! You can see Russia from the Palin home. Run Levi, run. Run like there's vodka and 16 year old girls on the other side.

Every time I hear "The Ride of the Valkyries" I start thinking "Kill the Wabbit." Between Mel Brooks and Warner Bros., many songs have been ruined for me.

RiE, me too. Or Hogan's Heroes. My first (corrupt) knowledge of classical music and opera came from Looney Toons. I also know the opera Carmen from Gilligan's Island but only as the music for their version of Othello ("Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Do not forget. Stay out of debt...) 30 Rock did an episode of pure genius last year with the amazing Emily Mortimer busting out in a comedy throw down with Tina Fey. Kill the Wabbit as a ringtone is a featured gag. The whole episode (second from last, #20, title "Cleveland") was masterful. I need to watch that soon to calm myself. Perhaps 30 Rock will get the audience it deserves this season. Oh look we're talking about TV on the food blog...... Maybe Sarah Palin's publicist can do a TV blog for the Sun.

Owl - some find! I've heard it on Radio Paradise but never seen the vid. Makes me feel like there is a parallel universe out there! A very er uh "unique" parallel universe!

RiE - I know the same thing with the Barber of Seville - reminds me of Elmer Fudd!

Sufferin' Succotash! I'm stuck singing "Kill the Wabbit" while explaining to everyone around me that, of course, I'm just finishing up that tedious report right now>

Owl Meat Goodness - I surprised you didn't mention the theme song from Wings as part of your classical music training.

(Schubert's Piano sonata No. 20 in A Major, D. 959, IV. Rondo. Allegretto)

Where is Piano Rob when we need him? He could explain what Rondo means.

Rondo = Round (as in Row Row Row Your Boat)

RiE, personally, I think that "Kill the Wabbit" improved on Wagner.

Bach's "Air on the G String" is my personal fave. Not withstanding the snickers from more enlightened, its just a beautiful melody!

Whenever I see a reference to The Barber of Seville, I immediately think of Alfalfa in the Little Rascals. His performance of it in one of their “barn shows”, with perfect cracking voice, brought a response of every kind of vegetable from the audience.

and who among us hasn't walked into a room where Cielto Lindo is playing only to begin singing "I am the Frito Bandito"?

I did not know Owl Meat, and first learned of him (I assume it's a he) through John McIntyre's blog. One paragraph of the writing style convinces me Owl Meat is not John McIntyre. How could anyone think that? (Mr. McIntyre would never have misspelled "Condoleezza," abuse the number of capital letters allotted to one in one's lifetime, or pulled a neologism like 'homonyminous' out of his....)

So nice to meet you Samantha. I think John strives for wit and sometimes humour. If you read my post for content instead of punctuation you would see that playing with language is part of Owl Meat's dealio. He's like a 1970s rogue cop - plays by his own rules and rocks a big mustache like Burt Reynolds in Shamus. John McIntyre is presumably a real person. Owl Meat is a character like Stephen Colbert, SpongeBob SquarePants or Jesus. If you could combine all three I think you would approximate Owl Meat.

Condoleeza Shmondeleezza. Who cares how it's spelled, it's a ridiculous name for a ridiculous person, kind of my point. If you are going to have a silly name then you had better be competent. The drink names are in capitals to set them off. Perfectly legit. If you don't get that 'homonyminous' is a joke, then maybe this isn't for you. Thanks for the compliment, but my ...(ass) isn't that clever. This was supposed to be funny and biting, not erudite. Way to bring the fun Samantha. Let's share an appletini and some mozzarella sticks some time. 8>)

Parse this:
Your first sentence is punctuated wrong (the comma) and your use of parentheses is wrong. I think you mean to assume that I am a man, not a "he". That's a poor way of expressing yourself. The final parenthetical sentence is ridiculous. Why put the whole thing in parentheses?

You see - the pick-each-other-apart game sucks. It blows. Chunders. Don't be the chupacabra at the fiesta.

As the great George Clinton once said, "Free your mind and your ... will follow."

Maybe we can start over and you can suspend disbelief and travel in the world of Owl Meat ...

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question -
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

Owlie, although you seem to be a bit kinder and gentler lately, you sure know how to tear somebody a new one in a most friendly-seeming way. That was delicious.

Lemon Girl -- Oh, please keep the "Blog Tart" in your name. Even though it almost made me spill red wine on my keyboard.

Owl! You're familiar with George Clinton! Once again I'm totally impressed. My personal favorite line of his is "Everytime I comb my hair
Thoughts of u get in my eyes" from Erotic City. Oh yeah, and impressive diatribe you had going there too. Although Lemon Girl is right, kinder and gentler.

Lemon Girl, I like the Blog Tart too - too funny!

Agreed Cheese Girl. You can be the salty and I'll be the tart. Thanks Joyce, get some Zzzzzz's. Tart out.

Familiar with George Clinton? We are all one nation under funk. One of my favorite Onion headlines was "National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue"

Bootsy Collins scared me when I was little, but than I learned that you have to get up to get down. Sadly, I did not appreciate gettin' down until I was nine.

Well done, Owl!

Owl, missed that issue of Onion. Hysterical! Had me laughing out loud.
Bootsy is kinda scarey but in a cool kinda way.

Rondo: a work or movement, often the last movement of a sonata, having one principle subject that is stated at least three times in the same key and to which return is made after the introduction of each subordinate theme. (Sorry, RtSO, not a round.) Think of Mozart's Rondo a la Turk.

Wasn't there a soda called Rondo back in the day?

"These men are working up a Rondo thirst ..."

"... lightly carbonated so you can slam it down fast."

Or Brubeck's Blue Rondo a la Turk?

Lemon Girl: You can be the salty and I'll be the tart -- Deal.

(Not the first time I've been called salty, I might add.)

Or Brubeck's Blue Rondo a la Turk?

Which is based on Mozart's Turkish Rondo.

Spam at 12:21 AM! (It's shilling yet another work-from-home scam.)

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About this blog
Richard Gorelick was appointed The Baltimore Sun's restaurant critic in September 2010. Before joining the paper staff fulltime, he contributed freelance criticism and features articles about food to area and regional publications. Along the way, he dispatched for short-distance trucking companies, shilled for cultural non-profits, and assisted in cognitive neurology research – never the subject, always the control.

He takes restaurants seriously but not himself, and his favorite restaurant is the one you love, too.

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