Red, white and blue bottoms up!
"Welcome to another All-American Funtastic Thursday, faithful groms and gromettes. Last week's Political Sandwich edition seemed popular, so if you are munching on a Dennis Kusandwich, which is rather dry, you are going to want a cocktail to wash it down and dull the depression of having made that choice (secret shout out to Monkey Girl).
Barack Obama says that he likes a beer at a baseball game and Hillary Clinton looked like a frat house townie chick on spring break chugging Presidente beer (irony alert) from a bottle and doing shots of Wild Turkey on the campaign trail. Woo hoo, you deserve a few, girlfriend, it ain't easy being green.
John McCain says that his favorite cocktail is Stoli on the rocks. His time in the Hanoi Hilton gets him a lifetime free pass on practically everything, but that's not a very American drink, Comrade McCain. I'm not suggesting that he is a brain-washed automaton like in The Manchurian Candidate. I'm not saying that at all. Really. It's not like he picked an unknown zealot running mate from that country above Canada, who brags that she can see Russia from the semaphore tower at her Alaskan dacha, er..., home.
That's crazy talk. ...
And now for CAMPAIGN COCKTAILS
John McCain - The YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN! - Old Grand Dad and Ensure in a World's Best Grandpa mug. Be careful. Too many of these will make you handsy.
Barack Obama - The BARACKO BOMB - Chilled shooter of vodka, Red Bull, and Jaegermeister ($8.50). Pay for this in cash and you will get change. Sí se puede. (Does it bother anybody that this clearly doesn't translate to "Yes, we can" as they claim?)
The SCHADENFREUDIAN SLIP aka the DOW JONES TANKINI - What kind of fancy-pants elitist uses words like Schadenfreude? Well, I do. How do you explain the Three Stooges? I love that only German could have a word for shameful joy. Like Obama, this drink becomes more popular the worse the economy gets. Grapefruit juice, Ciroc vodka, grenadine and a dash of bitters.
Sarah Palin - She gets more than one drink because
My VPOTUS wants to party all the time
Party all the time
party all the time
My VPOTUS wants to party all the time
party all the time
The SARAH-TONIN - Much like its homonyminous (?) neurotransmitter ... it stimulates pleasure but not for long. It's a scoop of snow in a pretty glass.
The PALIN-DRONE - It gives you that dull existential ache when you realize that the Vice President sounds like the sheriff from Fargo when speaking to Vladimir Putin. Rail gin, bitters and Ouzo. Also creates a mind-blowing hangover that lasts four years that you can't get rid of even if you chew your arm off.
Actual palindromes for today:
Live not on evil
Rise to vote, sir!
Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era.
Yes, drawn by dog sled to the new era ... the new 19th century, where women are muklukked and oven-bunned all the time. Get me some more moose antler powder, woman! It's time to get you poppin' fresh again.
Joe Biden - The CHIA SENATOR - A boilermaker and Propecia. I find it hard to get the funny on this one, because I think he would be a blast to have a beer with.
Hillary Clinton - The INEVITABILITINI - vodka, Apple Pucker, bitters, sour mix, and a splash of Tabasco.
Bill Clinton - The MARGARITA FIESTA - One margarita sits on your lap, another dances and you do body shots off the third. ¡Olé!
Bill Richardson - The STEALTH MEXICAN - Pimms and soda with a cucumber slice and a slice of orange. Sometimes called the TOASTED WASP. (You know, because of his name.)
Al Gore - Sorry but who would buy Captain Buzzkill a drink? 86 for you, my gloomy veep.
George W. Bush - The MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - An 85-ounce Cabo Wabo margarita served in a ten gallon hat. Take one sip, yell 'Why don't you love me, Daddy?' and leave the tab and the rest of the drink for the next guy. Served with a bowl of crunchy Empty Promises tortilla chips.
Dick Cheney - The SNARLY SHOOTER - A shot of Wild Turkey tossed in your friend's face, aka the FRENEMY. Served with a mini Snickers bar.
Condaleeza Rice - The PETER PRINCIPLE - A 3 ounce Stoli martini in a 12-ounce glass, aka the ANTI-GRAVITY because after a few you fall upwards.
Mike Huckabee - A Deep Fried Shirley Temple - How is that possible? The same way cavemen riding dinosaurs is.
Mitt Romney - The MORMON SURFER - It's a stiff drink and nobody really knows what goes into it.
John Edwards - The D-BAG - One part self-made populist, three parts jackass, one too many shots of Southern Comfort and a dash of dash. After you realize that you bought one of these you want to vomit and get your money back.
Mr. Caribou Barbie - the dude with the awesome "snow machine" chops and frat boy goatee - THE COUGAR-WHIPPED - A little of this and that in a small glass because it doesn't amount to much, although it does have prodigious potency.
Palin's 16-year-old daughter's baby daddy - The SLAP SHOT- Red Bull, Enzyte, Extenze, Captain Morgan, and misguided high-fives. Chill well until after the election.
Karl Rove - What spirit fuels this chrome-pated Baby Huey from the Pit of Ultimate Darkness and gives him the energy to command his political Army of Darkness and beckon John McCain to the Dark Side?
Answer: THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT - Just like a Bloody Mary, but add some actual infant blood (type Oh So Negative) and a double shot of stem cells. Sip slowly while stroking a cat.
Today's theme song is Randy Newman's classic 'Political Science,' the tongue-in-cheek take on Anti-Americanism that seemed dated by the 1990s. Well thanks for bringing it back, Dubya.
No one likes us - I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens
We give them money-but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them
Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us
We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too
Boom goes London and boom Paris
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me
They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now
Belly up, political mixologists. Give me your tired and your pours, huddled massively against the bar (make up your recipes). I would be disappointed if someone didn't make an Owl Meatini.
Mmmm .. very owlie."
(Photo courtesy of freefoto.com)