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September 11, 2008

Four score and seven sandwiches ago

OwlMeatkin.bmpNo, Owl Meat didn't abandon us today. He's back with an even more Funtastic Thursday than usual.

Here's Owlie...

"Portrait of the Artist as a Funtastic Tyke.  How adorable is Little Owl Meat?  Look closely and you will see that I was already practicing the art of Sandbox domination.  I loved the smell of Play-Doh in the morning.  It smelled like ... Victory!
... and now for the Main Attraction ...

I planned to do something on celebrity-named sandwiches at the Stage Deli in NYC, but things swerved hard.  They kicked me out for taking photos (of the menu) plus their concepts are uber-lame. For example,
Richard Simmons Tropical Fruit Salad - Cottage Cheese, Fruit Salad & Strawberry Jell-O.: (1) That's just mean, (2) Strawberry Jell-O?

Sid's Caesar Salad - Just lazy

Clint Eastwood - Turkey, Tongue & Corned Beef.  Something is deeply wrong.  (It's the tongue.)

Larry Gatlin - Turkey, Salami & Swiss Cheese.  Who the hell is Larry Gatlin?

Gloria Estefan - Tuna, Bacon, American Cheese, Lettuce & Tomato.   Eso es simplemente estupido. 

Derek Jeter - Roast Beef, Turkey & Muenster Cheese.  In a Boston deli, this would probably involve a skirt steak. Oh!  No he di'int.
Now it's time to name drop people in the news to rope in wandering Google-groms.  Today's game is Political Sandwiches.  I consulted with the mighty VoodooPork for his mad sandwich skillz.  Ah Salami I Like 'Em, brotherman.
The John McCain - Steamed crabby cake with true American cheese and SPF 90 mayo with a bacon comb-over on a stale hero roll. 
The Barack Obama -  It changes every day.  You can make it out of anything possible.  Yes you can! 
The Sarah Palin (The Caribou Barbie)  - Grilled baby moose on nut bread with marshmallow fluff dressing.  There used to be a choice of cole slaw, pickle or chips, but now there is no choice.  In fact, if you try to choose one on your own, you will be jailed and executed.  Profits are donated to the Egg Council's Leave No Ovum Behind program for teenage girls.
The Joe Biden - Fried bologna, scrapple, pickles and potato chips on potato bread with what are those?  - sprouts on top.  (Who's he trying to kid? Everyone can tell they're sprouts.)
The Ralph Nader - Wilted lettuce, tainted Costco mayo and dryer lint in a low carb wrap. Sorry, we no longer carry this item due to lack of demand.  Try the Dennis Kusandwich instead.
The Martin O'Malley - We tested various ingredients but they all left a bad taste in people's mouths.
The Cindy McCain - Iceberg lettuce on lots of bread, like more bread than you can imagine. 
The Hilary Clinton - Well-done skirt steak marinated forever with extra gristle on a hard roll and a hard-boiled egg.
The Bill Clinton Hoagie - Some meat in that sandwich?  Not a real sandwich, just something he asks pairs of women in hotel bars.
The Rudy Giuliani Club Sandwich -  Toast, American cheese, 9-11, baloney and mayo, toast, 9-11, tomato and malarkey, 9-11, toast, ham, lettuce, 9-11 and toast. Comes with a side of 9-11 mango chutney.
The John Edwards Submarine - Coldcuts and asiago cheese with a little extra meat slipped in.  Served with a heapin' helpin' of Southern Fried Shame. No need to pay now.  You will pay for this for the next twenty years.
Please suggest your own sandwich recipes.  I dare you to create an Owl Meat sandwich, but look at that adorable imp above before you launch that grenade.

Bring it!
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
--  Will Rogers"


Posted by Elizabeth Large at 12:24 PM | | Comments (43)


Owl-Man - I am in awe...

The Bob Ehrlich: It was pretty good, and most people seemed OK with it, but got sent back anyway.

Can we send back our O'malley?

Ahhh, isn't he just the cutest little guy? Hey, where's the propeller on the hat?

What the photo doesn't show is the kid buried in the sand for making fun of Owl's yellow jacket being buttoned up to his chin. Didn't all our mothers dress us in the craziest outfits?

OMG Club - Free Range Chix Breast (because free range are the smartest), topped w/ proscuitto and Grey Poop, er,,Poupon..on 2 pieces of toasted Marble Rye

Good one, briant. O'Malley seems about as popular as yesterday's flan.

RtSO, I pretty much still dress exactly like that. It just works.

That sounds tasty Sparky. I was expecting something from you like deep fried bastard smothered in melted bastard between two slices of bastard rye. Mmmmm.... you can really taste the bastard.

OMG, that is the funniest mistransliteration of the Muslim greeting I've ever seen. Beautiful.

Hmm...I'm not good at this kind of thing, but a Huckwich could be baloney and cheese (lots of cheese) on a hot cross bun.

OMG wrote: I dare you to create an Owl Meat sandwich

Well, if you are daring us...

But first, a clarifying question: do we create one sandwich and give it 12 different names, or 12 different sandwiches, each with its own name?

I'm ready to cut open a french loaf here...

owl meat sandwich: egg salad, with extra mayo, beer battered sweet pickles and cheese stuffed olives, (did i say extra mayo?) on a cake of the month club cake...preferably granny smith apple.
p.s. great blog!

Lissa, good catch on my sandwichy version of As-Salamu Alaykum. And I liked the Huckwich.

Oh barf, why did you do that mental_floss? Why? I know who you are. I've had your gnocchi. Nice to see you, just no more eggs or mayo. Blech.

Nope OMG. I'm saving all the Deep Fried Food for the "Cheney Monte Cristo", to be served with a Peanut Butter Milkshake. If that doesn't flat-line , he is the anti-christ.

The Dick Chaney: its whatever we want to put in it and you don't have any right to know what's in it. It does come with a red, white and black arm band, which you will wear.

Owl -- You had me at Play-Doh -- and then it just kept getting better. This may be my all time favorite post.

I've been laughing too hard to come up with any sandwiches of my own. Seriously, it scares me sometimes how your brain works. Don't ever cross to the dark side or we're all doomed.

The Barack Obama – It Looks Delicious! You must provide all ingredients and we will make it for you. Don’t ask for any meat though, just fluff. **Plus extra tax.

(Jenny has a sandwich joke for you:)

Question. Why is that you can never go hungry in the desert?
Answer. Because of the sand which is there.

RtSO -- the Dick Chaney should also come with flag lapel pins in place of toothpicks. The pins will serve no useful function, but they will look very patriotic.

OMG, was that "bastard," or "bustard?"

RtSO, regarding the "Dick Cheney" - you have to go to an "undisclosed location" to get it.

I thought the Bill Clinton had tongue. Lots of tongue.

Ok, I have five new ones, and I tried to hit both parties.

Oh for either Senator Robert C. Byrd or Senator Ted Stevens you get some pork belly topped with bacon in cracklings wrap.

Senator Larry Craig would have the Hanger Steak Sandwich, only available at airports.

Al Gore would have filet of polar bear crusted with rainforest nuts cooked in a coal fired oven. Al Gore Sandwich subject to carbon offset tax of $1 million. Al Gore exempt from carbon tax. Revenues from Al Gore Sandwich go to produce Another Inconvenient Truth.

The Elliot Spitzer would be $5,000 a pound red snapper on challa bread served up with a side of self-righteousness.

The Mark Foley would be veal, lamb, or anything else that has yet to reach adulthood. Upon ordering the Mark Foley, Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC will come out and say:” why don't you take seat. So, what are you doing here and what are you planning to do with the sandwich?"

Bustard? Cool. I never heard of that before. I think I would rather have a bustard sandwich than a bastard sandwich.

Sandwich satire is a real minefield. The meat, cheese and bread all have strong built-in insinuations. I had to struggle to make sure it wasn't too adult, especially for Edwards and Bill Clinton.

Excellent choices RiE and RoCK. Oh, the Larry Craig, forgot that one. Spitzer was good, but I yelled OH out loud to no one in particular. Well done.

The Lame Duck: available only once every four or eight years. Served heavily battered and sound-bitten. And on a bun - because you never know if he/she is going to run (again). Your choice of elephant or donkey. Undecided = cook's choice.

Duck fries no extra charge.

The Barbara Mikulski: Polish Kielbasa and saurkraut on a very short, stumpy potato roll. Fried onion rings on top optional, just say "with halo". Side effects may include righteous indignation on behalf of the working men and women of this great nation.

Note: If being ordered outside the US, can be called a John Paul 2.

Polish Kielbasa

That's straight from the Department of Redundancy Department.

Brilliant, dcdiva. Extra points for being the only person around that is aware that Barbara Mikulski is still alive. I guess her righteous indignation about potholes and dead industries only comes alive every six years, like an impatient cicada. Is Paul Sarbanes still a cicada Senator or was he replaced by an equally boring do-nothing snooze-bot? Oh, I'm so sorry I offended people, yeah, they work quietly from the inside. Should you need a paperclip, they know where all the supply closets are. Keep up the good work elected officials in Maryland who are SO under the radar that I didn't even think to satirize (or One Hour Martinize™ ) you.

Somebody's cranky and needs some ZZZZzzz's

Senator Sarbanes was replaced by Senator Cardin, who was replaced as Congressman Cardin by Congressman Sarbanes. I'm sure some kind of sandwich can be made from that but my head hurts too much to think of it.

(Seriously, Ben Cardin was my representative and now John Sarbanes is. Both are extremely responsive to constituents and both have voted the way I’d vote if I was there 99% of the time – I’d say 100%, since I can’t think of any differences, but I’m sure there have been one or two things.)

Well Feathered One, after that last diatribe, and the picture of the oh so cute one in an otherwise empty sandbox, I'm guessing those early report cards all showed deficiencies in playing well with other children.

Owlie- in The Mik's defense, you probably do not hear much about her because she does actually does her work instead of just going to photo ops like a lot of other members of Congress.

Also, she is very short. She is easy to miss :)

Very funny RtSO. In fact I remember seeing my kindergarten evaluation and I scored well in all areas, with two exceptions:
-- Does not accept the teacher as a friend
-- Does not put away his toys

Clearly the child is father of the man.

As for being alone in my sandbox, well now you're going to make me cry. The other kids were just jealous of my dope threads and phresh stylin' sand skillz.

Ah, RtSO, there's a difference between knowing how to play well with others and wanting to. When I see a discussion going all one way (not often on this blog) I have been known to toss a (figurative) water balloon into the fray. As Tweety Bird used to say "If I dood it I get 'panked. I dood it."

Please, don't get me wrong. The story on me, in kindergarten, is that when the teacher told us to sit in our chairs, I tended to stand on the chair. I was in/on the chair, okay?

And Feathered One: really LOL. I am jealous. I never had a beany, with or without the propeller.

BTW: is it me or is the Sandbox particularly lively this morning. Is any work getting done? I know the couple of things I have to write aren't getting done.

RtSO, Tis lively indeed, almost meaty.
And that is not a beanie! I think it's a little baseball-like cap but you can't see the brim because of the angle. Poketh me not again. Even then my giant Irish head overwhelmed hats.

I'm in awe, great list!

Yea, I know its not a beanie; beanies with or without propellers just seem funnier than small brimmed baseball caps. Don't complain to me about poorly fitting hats. Try finding a 7 7/8 bowler, even with the internet & Google.

No Bill Clinton sandwich would be complete without a post-meal cigar straight from the special Presidential Humidor.

Man who wears bowler hat shouldn't throw stones at fashion-forward two year olds.


Owl Meat -- please lay off RtSO. Do you know how hard it's been for him, Googling the Internet for months on end in a Sisyphean search for a size 7-7/8 bowler with a propeller?


thanks all, for a great read! One of Owl's best, for sure!
Been in OC for the week-back in town for a few days before jetting back down to the redneck riviera.

L O L didn't make it before. Opps.

A bowler with a propeller would be a truly special hat.

I love the idea. Magrette with a geek...

The Joe Biden, like his recycling MP speeches, same recipe & ingredents but previously named something else.

The Hillary Clinton is actually finished by blackening it.

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About this blog
Richard Gorelick was appointed The Baltimore Sun's restaurant critic in September 2010. Before joining the paper staff fulltime, he contributed freelance criticism and features articles about food to area and regional publications. Along the way, he dispatched for short-distance trucking companies, shilled for cultural non-profits, and assisted in cognitive neurology research – never the subject, always the control.

He takes restaurants seriously but not himself, and his favorite restaurant is the one you love, too.

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