ITA about American cheese. Cheddar's an unnecessary upgrade.

I would be interested in Mr. Lindner's comments on this philosophy set of rules for a cheeseburger.

It's really too bad that your commenter cannot see (or taste) the awesomeness that is blue cheese on a burger.

American cheese is an oxymoron.

The guy's got a point.

Although a burger with Heinz 57, a slice of sweet red onion and a good crisp kosher pickle chip is a fantastic way to eat it.

GREAT philosophy! I don't know how Five Guys burgers taste, but they sure SMELL good. I drive past the store on Park & Centre every night on my way home from work, and the scent just about makes me veer onto the sidewalk! Somebody should bottle that stuff!

My only digression from the perfect burger formula is to use bison meat. It's SO tasty, especially if you like medium-rare to medium burgers. You can't cook bison past medium or it's dry and tasteless. Give it a try some time...you just might change your mind about beef burgers.

My feeling is that blue cheese should be cooked inside the burger, so that it oozes out when you bite into it, much like the cheese in a Cordon Bleu.

Bowling alley. American cheese. Hmmm.
I think a shallow thought is in order.

... to be continued.

A part of the cheeseburger philosophy that Bucky has not mentioned is not overcooking the burger. Perhaps he feels that is a given, but there are some establishments I will not order a burger in because they have succumbed to some Food Police edict that all hamburgers must be cooked until they are grey all the way through, with any semblance of juice and taste long gone. A cheeseburger (or any type of burger) should be seared on the outside with the inside pink and juices still flowing, to be sopped up by the toasted bun.

Amen to the bleu cheese (either in or out) and not overcooking! But what about the bacon? Nobody's mentioned bacon yet. Of course, I think just about everything is better with bacon . . . Mmmmm - bacon!

Hoo boy, here we go again with the bacon. What happened to Bacon Girl, anyway?

All of this ducks the question why the hell put cheese on a good patty of ground beef at all? Some hamburgers need all the camouflage they can get, but a good one needs no adornment. NONE! The cheese is just another gimmick to separate suckers from another 50-75 cents for a slice of cheese shaved with a mandoline.

present.

bacon and cheddar (what is "american" cheese? isn't that synonymous with "processed" cheese?)

and a crisp, chilly pale ale

i'm getting all tingle-y just thinking about it...

MOF - I'm with you! Well done burgers are dry and yukky.
I also must add that there's no taboo to me in the burger world. Mushrooms, onions, bleu cheese, bacon, YUM - bring it! Now, corned beef on white bread - that's just WRONG!

A really good burger doesn't require bacon, although I don't think bacon hurts anything.

American cheese, on the other hand...blech!!! Maybe not as bad as Cheese Whiz* or Velveeta, but that's not saying much.

*Philly cheesesteak purists lose a lot of points in my book when they insist on Wiz.

Everyone is welcome to draw their own cheeseburger blueprint, of course. Tolerating varied opinions about blue cheese is what makes this America. Well...that and an abundance of frivolous litigation.

I just prefer my cheeseburger to be penicillin-free.

As to bacon...THAT'S a really close call. Really close. I don't put bacon on my cheeseburgers, but I do add a slice along each side of the brat when I put it in the bun. Gawd, that makes my mouth water just typing it...

(BTW..I'm new here, but I've got to think that someone whose nickname is "Bacon Girl" has no trouble getting dates...am I right?)

Finally, as to Cheese Whiz: IMHO, Cheeze Whiz is mankind's fourth greatest invention (after fire, anesthesia and three-chord rock & roll.)

Why do I think that Bucky is going to fit right in?

oh sure, all litigation is "frivolous" until the day you are savagely attacked by your neighbor's unrestrained bread-eating cat!

yeah, Bucky. then you want justice.

It's nice to have a new face that isn't another one of OMG's many personalities (entertaining though they may be ...)

Bucky sweetheart

since you're "new"....

you should know bourbon is where it's at

no bacon-tini can hit it like bourbon

For me it is a medium burger on a seedless roll that has been grilled with a little butter. Additions are mustard, ketchup, raw onion slice and dill pickle rounds. Heaven can't be much better. A few potato chips on the side and a cold brew......I think I just described tonights dinner.

Velveeta, the Wiz, in my world, right up there with the humble ramen noodle. Versitile, cheap and adaptable to all types of cooking - why not? I agree with you 100% Bucky it is right it is right after fire, anesthesia and 3 chord rock and roll! Except maybe ramen noodles should be first then Wiz...

My ideal burger is with cheddar, bacon, lettuce, tomato, pickle & mayonnaise (Hellman's or Trader Joe's).

I save the mustard for the wurst and the ketchup for hubby since I don't care for it - too sweet for me.

I know I can get a really good blue cheese stuffed burger at Wildfire in the Tyson's Corner Mall but where can I get one in the greater Baltimore area?

My tip for always juicy burgers -- use ground chuck 80/20. And if you are doing anything other than grilling it under an open flame, you are wrong. As for the cheese, spend the extra few cents and get real cheddar from behind the deli counter -- I like a good Vermont, sliced thick. A few slices of grilled Vidalia onion (olive oil, S&P) and you are good to go. No need for condiments (ketchup is for kids).

I was guessing about Bacon Girl, but I'm sure that someone whose nickname is "Bourbon Girl" has no trouble at all finding a date.

So the philosophy is that there's one way to make a burger and that's boring?

"Boring is such a judgemental word. I prefer the term "Classic."

I have been following this discussion with interest (and seeing that cheesy pick-up lines do seem to work; banality never occurred to me) and after re-reading Mr. Bucky's rules for burgers, I am struck by a significant deficiency: burger thickness. Quarter-inch, half-inch, or so thick you can not fit it and the roll (and any toppings added) in your mouth?

And whilst we are looking at the thickness issue, I think the cooking method is too narrow; not wrong, but in need of an authorised alternative. I am completely is support of the idea that the bun should be grilled and fat splattered, but what about charcoal/propane grilling (as opposed to the stove broiler)? Ah, the smell and taste of charred meat.

Since I'm nit-picking, I would lobby for an authorised alternative cheese: blue. I think with a little flexibility we can develop rules widely acceptable and easily enforceable by the food police.

I've been dressing my burgers as follows:
a whole wheat bun, some mustard on the bottom slice, then the burger (turkey, sirloin, or 93% lean), then cheese (american or cheddar) then some Hellman's light on the top slice. And perhaps some dill pickles too.

If you don't overcook the sirloin or the 93, it doesn't get all dried out. At least that's what I've found. And the above is kinda healthy even.

It's probably because I'm rooted way out here in the Mountain Time Zone (where "Oysters" doesn't refer to seafood) but I swear-to-God I've never seen anybody order blue cheese on a cheeseburger. It must be a cultural thing.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As to cooking, whenever I'm preparing a hunk of dead cow meat, I always use a grill...propane for now but I may switch back to charcoal if we don't implement some sort of comprehensive energy policy soon.

As to thickness, it seems to me...although as with the original "rules" I'm just making it all up as I go along...I'd say equal thickness meat and fixin's, would be a good rule of thumb. If you're going to half a half-inch of beef, then you shoudl have an additional half-inch of pickles, onions, lettuce, tomato and...whatever floats your boat...blue cheese.

Y'all can't see it from there, but I'm waving a white flag on the cheese issue.

Now you're feeling the Sandbox love. Welcome aboard, Mr. Bucky.

One of the best (bacon) cheeseburgers I've had in town was at Chewy's on Charles, where they serve them on *gasp!* ciabatta bread.

I had my doubts at first, but it was actually near perfect.

And Bucky - propane? how could you?

Back when I still ate burgers, I liked the blue cheese (or bleu cheese--even better) inside the meat. I think Wegman's even sells them prepared that way for you to take home and cook.

Is propane a bad thing, too? And y'all think that I have a lot of rules...LOL.

OK...fill me in. Why is propane a bad thing? Is this a culinary or an environmental issue?

I can't wait until the subject of crab cakes comes up and I post how we do them in Denver.

Since when do you need a burger to eat bleu cheese? In fact, there's a chunk of Roquefort cheese that's calling to me from the cheese drawer. As soon as I sign off I shall go have a piece as a bedtime snack.

Mr. OF has a good point. Blue (or bleu if you want French affectations) cheese is awfully good on its own (at least good blue cheeses are). Perhaps attacking the blue cheese with the strong flavor of a burger isn't really a good thing.

All this talk of blue cheese, and here I am without any in the house.

Oh, Mr. Bucky, Mr. Bucky, Mr. Bucky. Look at the index on the right side. We've just finished Crab Week and crab cakes have several postings. You have soooo much reading to get caught up.

Bucky, now it's both issues. But first it was a culinary issue.

And sorry to break the news. Since you're "new" I guess you haven't heard that (with the floaters and all) crab is essentially soylent green.

Oh, Hal--and here I thought you were the Voice of Reason. I always have blue/bleu cheese in the fridge! in the summer it's Gorgonzola to top perfectly ripe slice tomatoes. Finish with fresh basil and a little balsamic vinegar and you have the perfect summer salad, IMHO.

Dahlink, it's hard to keep blue cheese in stock at my house. It keeps getting eaten.

I am so ready for summer tomatoes!!!

Robert...yes, I see it now. Crab Week. I'm sorry I missed that. I hope it's ana recurring event. I've got a lot to learn about crab.

I actually did start reading all the categories, but I had not yet made it down that far. I sort of got hung up on the Celebrity Watch category. I had to keep Googling up names of celebrities to find out who they are.

Dahlink, have you ever tried fresh mozerella with good olive oil and fresh basil instead with those perfectly ripe tomatoes? Also, Very Good!

Black-n-bleu cheeseburgers are all the rage down here, every place sells them. They blacken the burger and then top it off with loads of bleu cheese crumbles. Haven't had one myself, but my Dad sure likes them.

Wow...almost enough comments to write a book. Ooops...too late:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080626/ap_en_ot/book_review_the_hamburger;_ylt=Ah9qPqLhMRXjpgexgV2pJftxFb8C

Joyce W.,

You are spot on about having the mozzarella, oil, and basil with the tomatoes. Good stuff!

Bucky, your comment yesterday about CO "where 'oysters' doesn't refer to seafood" gave me a big laugh. I'm curious - have you ever tried Rocky Mountain Oysters? I lived in Denver for 10 years and couldn't bring myself to try them, and now I'm sorry. Well, a little sorry. I think.

Carol,

To be a Coloradan, in the spiritual sense, you have to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters. So, even after ten years, if you hadn't at least tried them, you were still just visiting. (We miss you anyway. No, really, we do. We were talking just last week about how much we miss Carol since she moved to Hampden.)

Oddly enough, I can't stomach real oysters. Irrational? Absolutely.

Rick

Joyce W., the combination of a great summer tomato and mozzarella is also good, but that's one I'm more apt to order out than make at home for some reason. It's certainly not difficult.

Carol in Hampden--I have never been tempted by Rocky Mountain Oysters!

Bucky/Rick:

I'm sorry to learn I wasn't a true Coloradan because I sure loved living in Denver (except for those silly "Native" bumper stickers). But it's nice to be even fakely missed! Maybe I'm a true Marylander now, since I love real oysters....

To get back on the topic, ever since I had the green chili cheeseburger at the Golden West Cafe on The Avenue in Hampden, all others have paled in comparison (and now I can just walk down the street and have one any time I want. But I don't). Green chili, like bacon, makes everything taste better (except cereal and cake).

Should have known better, but curiosity got the best of me.... and I googled Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Gross, Bucky! Gross!

How long will it take now to get that image out of my mind?

Carol in Hampden wrote: "Green chili, like bacon, makes everything taste better (except cereal and cake)."

I sometimes make a Fiesta Cheesecake that calls for a small can of green chiles. It is, of course, a savory cheesecake, so I don't know if you'd consider it "cake," but I'm sure there are others around with green chiles.

LJ...

Iapologize, I didn't mean to freak anyone out.

(Although I believe Carol shares a large part of the responsibility...I wrote only "oysters" which, had you Googled that up would not have returned the freaking information you found.)

P.S. They taste like chicken.

Okay, I had not research the Rocky Mountain Oyster, thinking I understood the reference. Curiosity got the better of me, this morning, and now I know. The reality is not what I thought, but is only marginally better than what I thought. I think I'll just eat the cocktail sauce and leave the oysters. Now pass me the sweetbreads, please.

But RtSO, sweetbreads are delicious! No comparison. And they do not taste anything like chicken.

Oh, I know. I was just being inconsistent. I'll eat sweetbreads, but not RMO's. So, not all organs are created equal.

Rocky Mountain Oysters= Swingin' Steaks!

I expect Mr. Owl to weigh in anytime now with his unique take? Or perhaps Chino has a Latin recipe for this delicacy?

First of all: Mr OF, a cheesecake calling for green chilies probably can't be considered "cake" in the dessert sense of the word (but I'd like to try it).

Secondly: Bucky, you're the one who mentioned that CO "oysters" are not related to seafood. I merely asked the obvious question if you'd tried Rocky Mountain Oysters. Perhaps you figured no one on this blog knew what they were.

Just out of curiosity, what led you to this blog?

Carol

Carol,

I wandered over from Sarah Kelber's reality television blog which, during American Idol season, is "appointment internet" for me.

I was just lurking, but then Ms. Large mentioned food quests, which prompted me to come out of the bushes and post about In-N-Out, which prompted a comment from EL, which led me to believe she had classic tastes in cheeseburgers, which led to my email to her, which resulted in this topic.

I'm likely just visiting until A.I. auditions start next season, at which time I'll be compelled to return to Sarah's playhouse.

But it sure is fun!

Bucky

I don't know who Sarah Kelber is; I've never watched American Idol; I don't know what "appointment internet" means. But you got me feeling nostalgic for Denver, which isn't a bad thing.

Sarah Kelber moderates the Baltimore Sun blog on reality television shows. "Appointment internet" means that no matter what else I may have to do, I go to Sarah's blog on the days after American Idol broadcasts...like a twice weekly appointment. American Idol isn't for everyone, I know.

Our dusty ol' cowtown can grow on you\, for sure It's fixin' to be turned on its ear during the convention in August; I'm getting out of town that week.

It would be better if we had an ocean.

Bucky wrote (about Denver) "It would be better if we had an ocean".

That's so funny! I grew up in Kansas and when I moved to Denver I was in awe of the mountains, yet I kept thinking "if only there was an ocean nearby, it would be perfect".

Which is maybe why I was disinclined to try Rocky Mountain Oysters. "There's no ocean nearby, so these can't really be Oysters".

Carol in Hampden....It looks like you and I may have turned off the lights and locked the door to the cheeseburger room. It was nice chatting with you and we'll keep in touch on other topics.

Go Broncos!

That's so funny! I grew up in Kansas and when I moved to Denver I was in awe of the mountains, yet I kept thinking "if only there was an ocean nearby, it would be perfect". Carol >>>>>
And that is why Maryland is such a nice state. We have mountains (well, pimples compared to the Rockies), real oysters, and the ocean.
What could be better?

Maryland has it all. ;->

What was that old slogan? America in miniature?