Shallow Thought Wednesday
It's Shallow Thought Wednesday again. Although on this blog, one could argue that every day is shallow thought day.
As faithful readers know, on Wednesdays (until he gets bored) Multimedia Editor and Resident Cheeseburger and Wings Expert John Lindner comes up with a topic that the rest of us can take off from.
I think you'll welcome this opportunity, because I know you can do better: ...
From John:
I know one food joke. Or I can remember one. Maybe I know others and they’re hiding behind math and history lessons in the more recondite folds of my cerebral cortex.
A couple, each in their nineties, die and go to heaven. They’re led through the Pearly Gates, and through the most magnificent garden they’ve ever seen. After passing through a private arboretum, they are ushered into a spectacular mansion.
"This is your home," says the guide.
The man and woman look around, awestruck.
Eyes welling with tears, the old man looks at the guide and says: "But we can’t afford anything this grand."
The guide smiles and says "You don’t understand. It’s yours. Bought and paid for. Now, follow me, I gotta show you something I think you’ll really like."
The old man scowls.
The guide takes them to a balcony overlooking a golf course right out of the Garden of Eden. Even if you hated golf you’d take it up just to walk its verdant splendor.
"This," says the guide, "is one of your seven private golf courses. This particular one was designed by Bobby Jones and he can’t wait for an invitation to join you in a game on it."
Now the old man is fuming. He’s actually growling.
"Now," says the guide, "let me show you one other thing, and then I’ll let you explore on your own."
The guide leads them to a pair of doors which open wide as they near it.
On the other side of the door is a long banquet table flush with the richest delicacies imaginable along with the choicest wines, beers, liquors and post-prandial tobacco products.
"There will always be such food and drink on this table, always fresh, always the best."
The old man, tears freely running down his cheeks, throws up his hands and shouts "But we can’t eat this! Look at it! I can almost smell the cholesterol!"
The guide smiles. "Nope. You can eat anything and as much as you like with no adverse effects. They don’t call this ‘heaven’ for nothing."
Finally the old guy can’t stand it. He snaps. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"
His wife is shocked. "Dear, what’s wrong with you?"
The man, seething, points at her and shouts, "Dammit woman, if it weren’t for your stupid bran muffins we’d have been here thirty years ago!"
Comments
Why can't anyone eat only one green olive?
Because everybody figures the second can't possibly be as bad as the first.
Thank you. Much better. Although I would change it to Cheez Doodle. EL
Posted by: BawlmerBeav | March 26, 2008 8:23 AM
I can only imagine what you and John hath wrought with this thread. What were you thinking? A thousand posts of groaner jokes?
Okay, fine:
Moments before a famous Shakespearean actor was to perform Hamlet to a packed house in New York, he dropped dead. The house manager solemnly went onstage and announced, "We are sorry to bring you this news, but our performance tonight has been canceled due to the untimely demise of our featured performer."
From the back of the theater a voice cried out, "Give him some chicken soup!"
Startled, the stage manager cleared his throat and replied, "I apologize if in my grief I have not made my solemn message clear. The man is deceased."
Once again, but more emphatically the voice rang out, "Give him some chicken soup!"
Having had about enough, the manager bellowed back, "Sir, the man is dead. Giving him chicken soup couldn't possibly help."
To which the voice replied, "It couldn't hurt!"
Don't blame me. I had nothing to do with it. EL
Posted by: Piano Rob | March 26, 2008 8:50 AM
An Easter/food joke!
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Thank you. That's more like it. EL
Posted by: Borborygmus | March 26, 2008 8:55 AM
There's the story of the the two Russian immigrants who were living in New York and wanted to be as Americanized as possible.
While walking down the street they saw a hot dog stand, they looked at each other in dismay. "They eat dogs in America?",
"we must eat these hot dogs to be Americans"
So they get two hot dogs and go sit on the nearest bench and the one Russian unwraps the hot dog and says to his companion
"ugh..what part did you get?"
Posted by: Hue | March 26, 2008 9:10 AM
Why can you only get one egg for breakfast in France?
Because in France one egg is un oeuf!
This is one of the few comments I've edited. I added an e. I was trying to figure out what "one gg" was so I could get the joke -- I thought maybe it had something to do with computers. EL
Posted by: kimmer1850 | March 26, 2008 11:00 AM
Why can you only get one egg for breakfast in France?
Then again, the French largely don't eat eggs for breakfast. But why let that spoil a good joke? :-)
Posted by: Hal Laurent, VoR | March 26, 2008 11:32 AM
Dammit, Liz... I'm a server not a typist!!!
Hal, if you think that joke is good you're my new hero.
(Sorry, OMG)
I was just explaining why I edited you when I usually don't. EL
Posted by: kimmer1850 | March 26, 2008 11:52 AM
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him, "Hey, we don't serve your kind."
The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun-gi."
Posted by: duffster | March 26, 2008 1:35 PM
Okay, here's a real groaner.
A mushroom walks into a bar, and over the bar hangs a sign that says, "No Mushrooms Will Be Served". Well, the mushrooms decides to give it a shot anyway, and walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender points out the sign, and refuses service. So, the mushroom says to the bartender, "C'mon, let me have a beer...I'm a fun guy..." (You may have to say it aloud.)
Posted by: Dawn | March 26, 2008 1:39 PM
What's the differrence between broccoli and booggers?
Little kids don't like to eat broccoli.
Posted by: Donny B. | March 26, 2008 1:52 PM
my favorite joke:
why did the tomato blush?
because he saw the salad dressing
.... ;)
Posted by: amie | March 26, 2008 3:19 PM
In honor of John, here's my contribution (I'm a Mac person):
I have a Microsoft waiter
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
http://www.ahajokes.com/foo019.html
Posted by: EL | March 26, 2008 3:36 PM
EL - That was terrific! It's like a "Who's on First" routine. I think that would make a great stage routine and may just have to use it at one of my cabaret shows! Thanks!
It's not quite so funny when you live through it every day at work. :-) EL
Posted by: Piano Rob | March 26, 2008 3:47 PM
A classic, shamelessly ripped off from Pulp Fiction:
Three tomatoes are walking down the street - Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato, and Baby Tomato. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets angry, squishes Baby Tomato and says "catch up." (say out loud for maximum impact, groan, and go get yourself a 5 dollar shake)
Posted by: Dr. Erlenmeyer Cantaloupe | March 26, 2008 4:30 PM
There are two traditional British food jokes, short enough to be cartoon captions:
First one
Diner, to waiter:" Waiter, if this is tea, bring me coffee; if this is coffee, bring me tea."
Second one:
Irritated diner: "Waiter, what is this dish that you have just served me?"
Waiter: "A piece of cod, sir."
Diner: "That passeth all understanding."
I never realized where the first one was from. My mother used to say it to waiters. EL
Posted by: John McIntyre | March 26, 2008 4:40 PM
Alright - you asked for it!
Diner: "Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup."
Waiter: "Shh, don't yell. Everyone will want one."
Yeah, THAT Henny Youngman!
Posted by: Mr. Old Fart | March 26, 2008 4:42 PM
Sorry, EL.
I wasn't yelling at you. Just making a Star Trek reference.
Thought it would be funny. Oh well, I've been wrong before!
Keep those jokes coming! I need a good laugh.
Oh good. I didn't think a Star Trek reference would go over my head, but it did. EL
Posted by: kimmer1850 | March 26, 2008 5:09 PM
A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen.
Posted by: Rosebud | March 27, 2008 7:25 AM
Question: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Answer: Pumpkin pi.
Posted by: Rosebud | March 27, 2008 7:29 AM
Ok, this is the last one from me:
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
(Hypothetical answers from various famous people).
(author unknown)
Ralph Nader
“Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.”
Pat Buchanan
“To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.”
Dr. Seuss
“Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!”
Bill Gates
“I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.”
Ernest Hemingway
“To die. In the rain.”
Aristotle
“It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.”
Karl Marx
“It was a historical inevitability.”
Grandpa
“In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.”
Saddam Hussein
“This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.”
Ronald Regan
“What chicken?”
Captain James T. Kirk
“To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.”
Fox Mulder
“You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?”
Sigmund Freud
“The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.”
Senator Lieberman
“I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.”
Jerry Falwell
“Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face?
The chicken was going to the ‘other side.’ That’s what ‘they’ call it -- the ‘other side.’
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s plain and simple as that.”
Einstein
“Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?”
Bill Clinton
“I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by ‘chicken?’
Could you define “chicken” please.”
Louis Farrakhan
“The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the ‘black man’ in order to trample him and keep him down.”
The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chickens crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Posted by: Rosebud | March 27, 2008 7:33 AM
kimmer: For what it's worth, I knew the reference immediately. Engage!
Posted by: Piano Rob | March 27, 2008 9:09 AM