Rapture 2011 -- a reader's Q&A
As devoted readers, you're probably woindering how Rapture 2011 -- coming this Saturday to a planet near you -- will affect your life. Here's a quick primer:
Q: Do I have to return my overdue books to the library today? A: Baltimore-area libraries are not making exceptions for the Rapture. If you're headed for heaven on Saturday, the libraries will have a hard time collecting fines from you. But as a good soul, you'll probably want to leave the books behind for the folks who are still stuck on Earth.
Q: I'm only on page 73 in "Ulysses," can I take it with me? A: If you're reading that blasphemous novel, you're not headed upstairs, so don't worry. You'll have plenty of time to finish. Those who are still plodding through "Gone with the Wind" can bring it along.
Q: If you go to a motel in heaven, is there a Bible in the nightstand? A: Oddly enough, no. But I'd like to think my favorite book will be waiting there.
Send me other questions and I'll provide the answers.
Photo of Damien Hirsh's painting, "Rapture."
Comments
Am I going to need reading glasses to read my books up in heaven? I'm presuming I'm going to need sunglasses to shield my eyes a bit from the shining of God, but what about reading glasses? Do they sell/supply reading glasse and/or sunglasses in heaven. I'm hoping for bifocal sunglasses like the ones from Out of the Blue Eyewear in Timonium.
Posted by: Mar | May 20, 2011 12:39 PM
What will happen to my beloved pets? Do dogs, cats, and goldfish have souls and/or go to, say, doggie heaven?
Posted by: Ralph | May 20, 2011 12:40 PM
Mar, there is a 24-hour CVS just in case you leave something behind during the Rapture.
Ralph, some businesses already are offering to care for your pets if you leave in the Rapture. (I hope they're getting paid in advance.) Animals have good hearts so they will be up there. No leashes in heaven!
Posted by: Dave | May 20, 2011 12:56 PM
Whew, thanks, Dave! That's a handy piece of information to have! We'll probably need suntan lotion, too...
Ralph, WBAL morning news interviewed a guy this week running a business staffed by atheists who were paid in advance to feed pets if they are left behind. Personally, I agree with Dave and they'll be coming with us.
Posted by: Mar | May 20, 2011 1:02 PM
will it hurt?
or will i ENJOY it!!??? =)
Posted by: FRUITYKIWIMONKEY69 | May 20, 2011 1:42 PM
FRUITY, with a handle like that, I have no doubt you'll enjoy it. It will be better than having the Orioles sweep a double-header against the Yankees.
Posted by: Dave | May 20, 2011 1:59 PM
I'm a lawyer and suppose I could just go look this up, but perhaps there is a real estate nerd or law student who can answer this without having to do the research. If I contract to buy a house for $100 (or some other undermarket number) from someone who thinks he is leaving us tomorrow, and he does leave us, are his heirs obliged to go to settlement? Alternatively, if he doesn't leave us tomorrow, can he get out of the contract?
Posted by: Nicole | May 20, 2011 2:27 PM
Who will write the first book on life after Rapture? Title? Will a movie be made of it? Who will play the leads?
Posted by: Joann | May 20, 2011 2:40 PM
Will my Kindle work in the afterlife?
Posted by: Gail Farrelly | May 20, 2011 3:08 PM
Nicole, based on the the legal theory of deus ex machina, the heirs must go through with the deal. If the seller doesn't ascend, he's stuck with the deal, as punishment for having an unclean soul. (p.s. I noticed that you didn't suggest that you might be included in the Rapture. Are you assumning that no lawyers go?)
Joann: Whatever the title, the movie had better be made quickly, because the folks left behind don't have much time left.
Gail: Heaven is a giant rechargeable pad, so no need to bring AA batteries or a cord.
Posted by: Dave | May 20, 2011 3:47 PM