Book love gone wrong
Recently on Read Street, folks have been describing their polygamous reading habits. I was shocked — shocked — to learn that some people read three, five, even 10 books at once. I’m the kind of guy who makes a commitment to a book and doesn’t abandon it when the next pretty cover happens by. I can imagine this scene, when a polygamist reader comes home:
"So where have you been all night? I’ve been here, with that Barnes & Noble bookmark stuck on page 135, just waiting for you to come back."
"Well, I ... uh ... I had to stay late at the office."
"Again? That’s the third night this week."
"Yeah, we have a big presentation coming up for corporate, so I’ve been reading tons of reports. Sales data, ROI analyses, territory realignments — that sort of thing. Very dry — nothing like you. But when I get home my eyes are just so tired."
"I guess that explains why we haven’t spent any time together all week. Can’t we curl up on the sofa for a half-hour? We have more than 400 pages to go. Wait! What’s that in your briefcase — is it the new John Grisham?"
"This? It’s a ... a ... a gift."
"For whom? All of your friends — and you — think Grisham has coasted since his first few books. Tell me the truth. What are you doing with The Associate?"
"OK. I might as well tell you. I’ve been cheating. But it’s not what you think. I never read books with your depth, your wit, your subtlety of language. Nothing comes close. I just need a break sometimes. A Grisham, or a Lippman. But that’s all, I swear."
"That’s all — hah! Don’t think I haven’t noticed before. I was just waiting for you to admit it. I’ve seen your iPod, with the Team of Rivals download. And the time you drove into the garage, with the David Sedaris CD blaring away — I could hear your laughter all the way upstairs on the nightstand."
"Goodwin? Sedaris? They mean nothing to me."
"This is some pathetic midlife crisis, isn’t it? Next thing, you’ll be hanging out with some young, sleek Kindle. That would serve you right. Do you think it will be around for you forever? Do you?"
"I don’t know what I think anymore."
"Well, think about this: While you were reading everything you picked up, your best friend came over and borrowed me. We’re already on page 476 — and it has been pure rapture. Now there’s an attentive reader. No interruptions for phone calls, no reading in front of the TV. I’m leaving, so we can finish — only 83 pages to go. Goodbye."
-- Will they reunite or is this the end of their relationship? Write your ending in a comment -- we'll pick one for a book giveaway.
Comments
As a book polygamist you're making me wonder if my books might be "cheating" on me. I could have sworn the new Kim Harrison was on my nightstand and I thought I'd left The Watchman in my backpack.
Could it be that my books are letting other people (gasp) read them when I'm not around?
Posted by: Darlene | February 1, 2009 8:28 AM
Wonder what Robert (the Single One) and Book have to say about this ...
Posted by: Dahlink | February 1, 2009 10:38 AM
Darlene, maybe you should hire a book p.i. to check it out -- your library might be able to recommend such a specialist. Or you might consider a hidden camera aimed at your nightstand while you're out of the house.
Posted by: Dave | February 1, 2009 12:33 PM
I think they're done. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right?
This is why I'm a book monogamist. ;)
Posted by: Kelly | February 1, 2009 2:30 PM
Wow. Now I'm wondering if my Kindle is a function of my midlife crisis.
Posted by: Claude | February 1, 2009 2:50 PM
I think the term should be polybibliotist... Do you read newspapers and magazines while you are reading a book? It's the same thing. I usually have a fiction, a poetry book, a science book, a spirituality book and others all on my nightstand. I am working my way through them all. And alternating with my handheld Sudoku. Been doing it for decades now....
Posted by: Karen G. | February 1, 2009 7:52 PM
Book here. I allow him 2 books at a time, one in the car as a dining companion and one at home. Any more and he forgets what he's reading. Sad, but true.
Posted by: Robert (the Single One) | February 1, 2009 8:03 PM
Book is a tough mistress.
I usually have 3 books going. A main read; the book that I keep in my desk for lunches when there is no to forage with and the paperback that I keep in the car to take into potential wait-forever situations.
Posted by: Eve | February 2, 2009 11:16 AM
Oh, Ms Eve, you have NO idea. I do admit I feel terribly alone without Book.
Posted by: Robert (the Single One) | February 2, 2009 5:04 PM
Reader (wagging his finger) speaking to book: "I didn't go all the way with those other books. If cheaters like Geithner and Daschle deserve another chance, then I deserve one too. Can I be faithful? Yes, I can!"
Posted by: Gail Farrelly | February 2, 2009 5:26 PM
Goodbye! Is that your final word?
"No it's not, but you wouldnt know my final word because you stopped reading me!"
But, you just can't leave me, GONE WITH The WIND IN The WILLOWS. You knew I had a wandering eye, a browser, why I was a cereal reader when I was 7 and just starting out. I would line the cereal boxes up FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, and read them as I ate. I often spill HARDTACK and COFFEE as I read today. You know I read the paper everyday, you didnt say GOODBYE COLUMBUS over that. So why now? I will be a Poe boy with LOST HORIZONS if I dont have you to LOOK HOMEWARD, ANGEL, when I need you the most. HOLES will be in my GRAVEYARD, BOOK if you leave.
I have taken my time with you because you are like a fine DANDELION WINE, that must be savored, taking out A WRINKLE in TIME. I would be a STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND, if I didnt finish you. I don't care that you will share with anyone who opens you look at your printing, and fondle your pages. That is what you are, ment to be shared. How can you deny others their use be it paper, libretto, poem or pixels on a screen. It is reading and it is our destiny together. Stay just a little bit longer and I promise I will finish you, or leave and I will find another. A lesser or perhaps one greater, for as it has been written so it must be.
Posted by: Paul O'Neil | February 2, 2009 9:45 PM
Very nice. I loved the intro, and there are some clever reader-supplied endings.
I'm definitely a book monogamist. But, that's why I have to take notes and write reviews, otherwise it's "out of sight, out of mind" and I'm on to the next conquest on my shelves!
Posted by: Dawn - She Is Too Fond Of Books | February 6, 2009 4:38 PM
Haha I love that scene - especially the book getting its own back!
I'm a monogamous reader, but I've found that while this avoids book/best friend cheating revenge it causes other problems. I seem to ignore non-fiction and just focus on novels (I read just 3 non-fic books last year). So I've decided I'm going to keep a non-fiction choice on the go in the house and keep a novel in my bag for my lunch break at work. It's ok though they know about each other, in fact they're lying on top of each other right now. Oh, yeah.
Posted by: Jodie | February 8, 2009 5:43 PM
I have to say that more often than not I'm monogamous. I don't like to cheat on the books that I read. Every now and again however, I do get curious and I'll bounce back and forth - but, I find it much more rewarding for me if I remain faithful.
Posted by: Samantha | February 8, 2009 5:44 PM